How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

  • It’s pretty commonplace to overlook our partners’ flaws and to put them on a pedestal.
  • According to a new study, many people tend to overestimate how intelligent their partners are too.
  • Many people involved in the study estimated their partners’ IQ scores based on how happy they were in their relationship.

None of us likes to think we’re seeing with rose-tinted spectacles when we fall in love with someone, but it’s quite common to overlook a partner’s flaws and to idealize them as a person.

If you ever find yourself marveling at how “intellectual” your new-found love is, you’re probably not the only one.

According to a study published in Intelligence, you may be overestimating just how brainy your partner is.

We evaluate our partners’ intelligence based on our satisfaction with the relationship

Gilles Gignac from the University of Western Australia and Marcin Zajenkowski from the University of Warsaw used their experiment to demonstrate that most regard their partner as being of above-average intelligence.

The two researchers found that, in actual fact, people rate their partner’s IQ based on how happy they are in their relationship — the happier you are, the more “intelligent” you’ll rate your partner.

While many people assume that their partner is more attractive than themselves, many believe that their partner is as intelligent as they are — which, in turn, means you see yourself as being smarter than you actually are.

It’s not clear how significant the findings of the study are

The study involved 218 heterosexual couples who had been together for an average of six years — about a quarter of them were married.

The participants were asked to determine intelligence using IQ tests and evaluate their own intelligence and that of their partner on a scale designed by the researchers.

Most people overestimated their partner’s IQ by as much as 30 IQ points.

However, most of the participants also considered their own IQ to be above average.

Generally, most people intuitively look for a partner who is similar to them in terms of intelligence but — since the researchers only used written tests and no verbal tests, further studies will be needed to confirm the results are accurate.

SEE ALSO: Babies learn most of their vocabulary from their fathers, according to this study

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How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

Holiday family gatherings are right around the corner, which means you may soon find yourself face to face with that one kooky relative who believes that Obama is a Muslim, 9/11 was an inside job, or NASA staged the moon landing. Is there anything to do in this situation except change the subject and pour another glass of wine?

And how about the less loony but still substantive disagreements about facts? Is there any way to breach the divide if you’re faced with someone who simply doesn’t accept reality in some important way?

Most of us view these sorts of exchanges as hopeless causes, but not Ohio State University behavioral scientist Gleb Tsipursky. On the blog Relatively Interesting he offered an in-depth guide to dealing with denialism, whether it’s the outrageous political variety or a more day-to-day case of someone who refuses to pull their head out of the sand.

Facts don’t win arguments.

To kick off his useful post, Tsipursky points out that while conspiracy theories might be fringe examples, denialism itself isn’t at all uncommon. One four-year study that involved interviews with more than 1,000 board members, found that, when a CEO is ousted, 23 percent of the time it’s because he or she was unwilling or unable to accept some basic aspect of reality. When faced with threatening information, people often stick their heads in the sand.

Knowing that you have company in your misery might provide some comfort when faced with a reality denier, but how do you actually confront one? Tsipursky’s first and most important bit of advice is to forget facts. The problem is almost certainly one of emotions, not knowledge.

He offers a down-to-earth example to illustrate: “At a company where I consulted, a manager refused to acknowledge that a person hired directly by her was a bad fit, despite everyone else in the department telling me that the employee was holding back the team.” Why? “Facing facts would cause the CEO or the manager to feel bad.”

And because reality denial is more about identity than information, throwing facts at the problem usually backfires. “Research on a phenomenon called the backfire effect shows we tend to dig in our heels when we are presented with facts that cause us to feel bad about our identity, self-worth, worldview or group belonging,” Tsipursky warns.

A better way (sorry, it’s not easy).

So if facts can’t convince denialists to finally see the truth, what (if anything) can? Rational intelligence won’t work but emotional intelligence can. Your goal, according to Tsipursky, should be to make it possible for your friendly local denialist to switch teams without feeling the fool.

“Your goal should be to show emotional leadership and try to figure out what are the emotional blocks inhibiting your colleague from seeing reality clearly. To do so, use curiosity and subtle questioning to figure out their values and goals and how they shape their perception of self-identity,” he writes.

First, build trust. You may disagree entirely with your conversational partner, but try to convey to this person that you share his or her bedrock values. Rephrase what this person is saying so that he can see that you understand where he’s coming from. In the case of the CEO who refuses to acknowledge a bad hire, you might convey that you too worry about the cost of recruiting. If your uncle won’t believe in climate change out of economic concerns, start by explaining you are also worried about unemployment.

Now, you’re all set for the real conversational ninja move — you need to show the other party that his beliefs are actually in conflict with his own values and goals, all without making him defensive. It sounds like a tall order, but Tsipurksy insists it is possible. Offering concrete examples of people who have changed their minds can help. So can suggesting that a person’s previous opinion was understandable given the information he or she had at the time.

Your goal is to get that reality-challenged CEO to see that while his worries about the cost of hiring someone new are valuable, he’s actually losing the company more money keeping on a non-performing employee. Your uncle needs to be nudged to see that, while you agree people matter more than penguins, climate change is horrible for both.

Will this work with a truly entrenched flat-earther? Is it worth the effort? The answer to both questions may frequently be no, but for less outlandish and extreme denialism, these steps could help you ease your batty aunt or stubborn colleague back into the world of reality, saving not only that person’s sanity, but your own as well.

By VEQUILL
Post date

How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

Nobody stays good in this world. Everyone has some merits and demerits. But you should not judge anyone on this, because if you are in a relationship then you have to adjust and sometimes compromise. If you want to keep your relationship strong and healthy you have to be intelligent and patient. No one is perfect in this world. You cannot keep lying about if your partner is not intelligent. one day everybody will know this fact that your partner is not wise as much as you are.

So to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent takes a big heart. If you want to stay happy in your relationship you have to look up to your partner and compromise.How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

Aspects of Relationship

To keep your relationship up to the pace you have to accept the weak points of your partner and try to improve them. you cannot just ignore them and move on because in future they will hurt you very badly. You should not try to criticize your partner just because of intelligence. It will create more problems then it solves.

You should not only look at dark sides of your partner. if you accept the fact that your partner is not intelligent and try to cover it by looking other beautiful aspects of your partner, you can create an example out of it.

How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

Trust over Intelligence

Maintaining a relationship is a great responsibility. You have to stay focus and be a leader for your partner. try to see other features of your partner except intelligent which is trust. Trust is an important factor in a relationship. If you do not trust your partner with the heart it will result in break up of your relationship no matter how intelligent your partner is. because only intelligence is not the key factor for a healthy relationship.

You should be true and faithful to your partner. never lie to your partner. it will remove all your previous mistakes and create a positive image of you.

How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

Stay Honest

To maintain a relationship, you have to stay honest with your partner. your partner should be aware of your past and future. Do not lie to your partner about anything because it will create doubts in the mind and can result in separation which you do not want. So stay honest and trustworthy. Never try to break your trust put by your partner just by lying because after that you would not be able to gain it.

You should not focus only on improving your partner intelligence, try to communicate with your partner honestly and sincerely. Discuss what you want to see in your partner as a role model.

How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

Role of Emotions

Emotions play a key role in a long-term relationship if you can maintain it and take it too far. Emotions have a great value in our daily life. It shows the character in you. You should be emotionally available to your partner instead of focusing just on intelligence. Because if you miss this part of your partner then you cannot continue your relationship whether your partner is intelligent or not. You have to run emotions over intelligence.

Your partner can be emotionally intelligent. You have to understand this ability of your partner because it can help to improve intelligence.

How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

Requirements of Partner

To stay intelligent is not the only requirement of your partner in a relationship. Your partner may be full of confidence and his ability to stay in people minds. People make mistake assuming that if your partner is not intelligent you cannot compete with the rest of the world. If you are in love with your partner then you have to let go of mistakes that your partner make and try to live a happy relationship just by forgiving mistakes.How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

I hope you find my article helpful if you have any further queries you can mention in the comment section down below, I’ll be humble to help you out. For other related articles, you can visit www.Tryarticles.com

By VEQUILL

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How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

Holiday family gatherings are right around the corner, which means you may soon find yourself face to face with that one kooky relative who believes that Obama is a Muslim, 9/11 was an inside job, or NASA staged the moon landing. Is there anything to do in this situation except change the subject and pour another glass of wine?

And how about the less loony but still substantive disagreements about facts? Is there any way to breach the divide if you’re faced with someone who simply doesn’t accept reality in some important way?

Most of us view these sorts of exchanges as hopeless causes, but not Ohio State University behavioral scientist Gleb Tsipursky. On the blog Relatively Interesting he offered an in-depth guide to dealing with denialism, whether it’s the outrageous political variety or a more day-to-day case of someone who refuses to pull their head out of the sand.

Facts don’t win arguments.

To kick off his useful post, Tsipursky points out that while conspiracy theories might be fringe examples, denialism itself isn’t at all uncommon. One four-year study that involved interviews with more than 1,000 board members, found that, when a CEO is ousted, 23 percent of the time it’s because he or she was unwilling or unable to accept some basic aspect of reality. When faced with threatening information, people often stick their heads in the sand.

Knowing that you have company in your misery might provide some comfort when faced with a reality denier, but how do you actually confront one? Tsipursky’s first and most important bit of advice is to forget facts. The problem is almost certainly one of emotions, not knowledge.

He offers a down-to-earth example to illustrate: “At a company where I consulted, a manager refused to acknowledge that a person hired directly by her was a bad fit, despite everyone else in the department telling me that the employee was holding back the team.” Why? “Facing facts would cause the CEO or the manager to feel bad.”

And because reality denial is more about identity than information, throwing facts at the problem usually backfires. “Research on a phenomenon called the backfire effect shows we tend to dig in our heels when we are presented with facts that cause us to feel bad about our identity, self-worth, worldview or group belonging,” Tsipursky warns.

A better way (sorry, it’s not easy).

So if facts can’t convince denialists to finally see the truth, what (if anything) can? Rational intelligence won’t work but emotional intelligence can. Your goal, according to Tsipursky, should be to make it possible for your friendly local denialist to switch teams without feeling the fool.

“Your goal should be to show emotional leadership and try to figure out what are the emotional blocks inhibiting your colleague from seeing reality clearly. To do so, use curiosity and subtle questioning to figure out their values and goals and how they shape their perception of self-identity,” he writes.

First, build trust. You may disagree entirely with your conversational partner, but try to convey to this person that you share his or her bedrock values. Rephrase what this person is saying so that he can see that you understand where he’s coming from. In the case of the CEO who refuses to acknowledge a bad hire, you might convey that you too worry about the cost of recruiting. If your uncle won’t believe in climate change out of economic concerns, start by explaining you are also worried about unemployment.

Now, you’re all set for the real conversational ninja move — you need to show the other party that his beliefs are actually in conflict with his own values and goals, all without making him defensive. It sounds like a tall order, but Tsipurksy insists it is possible. Offering concrete examples of people who have changed their minds can help. So can suggesting that a person’s previous opinion was understandable given the information he or she had at the time.

Your goal is to get that reality-challenged CEO to see that while his worries about the cost of hiring someone new are valuable, he’s actually losing the company more money keeping on a non-performing employee. Your uncle needs to be nudged to see that, while you agree people matter more than penguins, climate change is horrible for both.

Will this work with a truly entrenched flat-earther? Is it worth the effort? The answer to both questions may frequently be no, but for less outlandish and extreme denialism, these steps could help you ease your batty aunt or stubborn colleague back into the world of reality, saving not only that person’s sanity, but your own as well.

It’s probably safe to assume that the person you’re currently sleeping with slept with someone else before you, but learning about their sexual past can be a tricky issue. In fact, they might have slept with someone else immediately before sleeping with you, if you’re not monogamous.

It might also be safe to assume that they perfected that move you like so much with someone else. Or that they realized they were into light spanking with yep, you got it, that Brazilian ex who “helped the flower of their sexuality blossom.” (P.S. puke)

How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

Some of us – my partner included – don’t worry much about what, (or who) came before us. She says infuriatingly reasonable things like “It’s none of my business,” or “It had nothing to do with me.” Comments to which I soundly reply by walking away indignantly and cracking open my copy of When Things Fall Apart.

For others – myself included – hearing about our partner’s sexual past can be difficult, bringing up feelings of fear, insecurity, and a desire to pierce our eardrums with the nearest Q-tip.

You’re not cold, overly rational or avoidantly attached for not having feelings about your partner’s sexual biography, and you’re not weird, broken, or needy if you do.

According to a Russian proverb, “jealousy and love are sisters.”

I suggest you make them sisters who see each other a few times a year and laugh about old times, instead of sisters who share a bed and wear each other’s clothes.

Here are some suggestions to help you do that:

1. Set ground rules for sharing: Ask yourself what about your partner’s history is relevant to your relationship today? Revealing your STI status, health concerns, past trauma, or ways your like to be touched is important. But is it necessary to spill every single bean? Ask yourself if what you’re sharing serves the essence of what you’d like to communicate (i.e. I’m kinky, I’m afraid, I’m confused etc). I doubt that you’ll ever find yourself on a game show where knowing the nickname your girlfriend gave to her ex’s penis comes between you and the grand prize.

2. That they are even telling you about their past is a really good thing. They’re making themselves vulnerable enough to communicate with you and trusting that your relationship is steady enough to withstand it. Thank your partner for being open with you, and if you’re sharing, try to be sensitive to how your partner receives the information.

3. Remind yourself that their physical relationship with you is probably better because of their relationship with someone else. With experience, we grow more in touch with our body, we realize what feels good and what doesn’t, and we learn to lock the door to our office (sorry everyone). Be grateful for this.

4. Focus on your sexual future together instead of your sexual past. Remember, there is nobody else just like you. The chemistry you share with your partner is unique and stands alone. It’s a waste of time and energy to compare yourself to anyone. So unless you’re into freaky paranormal phantom sex, throw those ghosts out of your bed and move on.

5. Guess what: The jealousy, anger, insecurity, resentment, and fear that you may feel, stem from YOUR fantasies of your partner’s past, and YOUR relationship to those fantasies. Believe it or not, your feelings have much more to do with you than with your partner. So if you have a problem with what they did between the sheets circa 1994, it’s ultimately your problem to take care of.

Do let your partner in on how you’re feeling, but the worst thing you can do is lash out, blame, shame, or make them responsible for your feelings.

This is the thing – while your partner’s past had nothing to do with you, if it’s coming up now, it is affecting you both right now, and how you respond to it will affect your relationship today.

Retroactive jealousy is a common topic of conversation between couples in my psychotherapy practice. As a Gestalt Therapist, I like to ask:

a. How is the past present? That is, how are you using yours/your partner’s past to influence your current relationship?

b. What’s it like for you to hear about your partner’s sex life before they met you?

c. Are you using it to create distance between you?

d. Are you using it to scare yourself?

e. Are you seeking validation from your partner? Or can you allow it to be something that brings you closer?

I suggest you share the answers to these questions as well!

How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

Share the post “When Sharing is Scaring: How to Deal with Your Partner’s Sexual Past”

How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

Pilar Dellano

Pilar is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who is passionate about helping her clients make conscious contact with themselves and others. She specializes in relationships of all kinds, is sex-positive, queer & kink friendly. LMFT #90934

Love in fact, does not conquer all. It’s a common misconception that if you love someone, everything else will work itself out, but love alone is not enough.

Acceptance is what will get you through to the other side. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that you can choose it for exactly what it is. Because when you do choose it for what it is and what it isn’t, it brings something entirely new into your world.

Once there is acceptance, you bring peace and change to your energy, and from there anything you create with the person you love is possible.

That’s not to say that you must accept everything in your relationship. You shouldn’t accept any abuse, physically or emotionally, and you must establish your deal-breakers along with making sure you are compatible, have similar core values and a vision for your future.

However, there are things you must accept in the one you love and in your relationship in order to bring peace into your life.

Here are 20 things you must accept for your relationship to succeed:

  1. Accept the things you cannot change.
  2. Accept that you cannot fix your partner.
  3. Accept that your partner is not perfect.
  4. Accept that not everyone will behave as you do.
  5. Accept that just because they don’t behave like you, it doesn’t make them wrong.
  6. Accept their flaws.
  7. Accept love as they are able to give it to you.
  8. Accept that you love them.
  9. Accept that we all experience things (including love) differently.
  10. Accept that sometimes they can be a bit of a mess.
  11. Accept the mess in the sink.
  12. Accept that they are human and will make mistakes.
  13. Accept their apology.
  14. Accept your differences.
  15. Accept that everyone has a past.
  16. Accept that they cannot read your mind.
  17. Accept that they can’t live up to an expectation you don’t communicate.
  18. Accept that you are not always right.
  19. Accept that there will be good and bad times.
  20. Accept them.

What you resist will persist and will drive you absolutely crazy. By accepting, you are opening up a space for something completely new to happen in your relationship. Can you accept the challenge?

Want more like this? Follow YourTango on Facebook for more brave personal essays, real talk about relationships, and hilarious articles!

Ravid Yosef is a Dating/Relationship Coach working with clients in Los Angeles and virtually around the world. Download her free eBook “Is He Realtionship Material?” to learn all the signs to look for before you commit.

This article originally appeared on YourTango.

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Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She’s also a psychotherapist, the author of the bestselling book “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,” and the host of The Verywell Mind Podcast.

Do you know someone who never seems to be able to control their emotions? Perhaps they are constantly doing or saying the wrong things, at the wrong time. Or maybe they’re always judging others, but have a hard time accepting criticism. If this describes someone you know, chances are high that this person struggles with low emotional intelligence.

What Is Low Emotional Intelligence?

Low emotional intelligence refers to the inability to accurately perceive emotions (in both yourself and others) and to use that information to guide your thinking and actions.

Emotional intelligence (sometimes referred to as “emotional quotient” or “EQ”) is essential to basically every aspect of life. In fact, many experts now believe that EQ may actually be more important than IQ in determining overall success in life. As such, having low EQ or low emotional intelligence can negatively impact not only your interpersonal relationships but also your mental and physical health.  

When someone has a low EQ, there are many ways it can present itself. Below are nine classic signs of people with low emotional intelligence.

How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

They Always Have to Be ‘Right’

You probably know someone who always seems to get into arguments with others. Friends, family, co-workers, and even random strangers find themselves embroiled in disputes with these argumentative individuals.

People with low EQ will often argue a point to death while refusing to listen to what anyone else has to say. Even if you provide them with proof that they are wrong, they will argue that your facts are wrong.

They have to win at all costs and find it impossible to simply “agree to disagree.” This is particularly true if other people are critical of how the individual does not understand what others are feeling.

How to accept the fact your partner is not intelligent

Some problems in relationships can be tackled as a couple: Not spending enough kid-free time together? Call a babysitter. Prioritizing screen-time over quality time? Kindly escort your cell phone out of the bedroom.

Other problems are a lot harder to solve. Below, marriage therapists share eight weighty relationship problems that just can’t be fixed.

1. You have contempt for each other.

Make no mistake: If left unchecked, finger-pointing, sarcasm and contempt will chip away at the foundation of your marriage, said Bonnie Ray Kennan, a psychotherapist based in Torrance, California. (Contempt is so bad, renowned marriage researcher John Gottman has identified it as the single best predicator of divorce.)

“This kind of behavior creates a culture of disconnect,” Ray Kennan explained. “If one or both partners are unwilling to soften the marital conversation and stop fighting, the problem will get worse until there is no coming back.”

2. Your partner is needlessly argumentative.

There will be times when your opinion on an issue is so starkly different from your spouse’s, you’re downright shocked. Let it be and agree to disagree. As a couple, you need to recognize that no one wins when one of you always has to be right, said relationship coach Lisa Schmidt.

“It’s a problem if one or both partners provoke arguments and then look for reasons to not forgive the other,” she said. “What makes it worse is when the inability to forgive is followed by a refusal to discuss the issue further.”

3. There’s chronic infidelity.

Being in a relationship with a serial cheater is nothing short of exhausting. The relationship can be repaired, but only if the unfaithful partner is honest about what happened and fully prepared to leave the affair behind. If not, heartbreak is inevitable, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a psychotherapist and the author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love.

“People vary in how willing they are to put up with this,” she said. “Many eventually give up on trying to fix the relationship; they simply decide they have had enough broken promises. They realize that enough is enough.”

4. Your partner is distant or secretive about where they go when you’re not around.

While time apart is essential in any relationship, what your partner does with their free time shouldn’t be some great mystery. There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy, said psychologist Susan Heitler.

“Too much secrecy can leave you feeling abandoned emotionally as well as physically, even when your partner is home,” she said. “A marriage needs sharing and openness.”

5. You have incompatible sex drives.

Don’t shortchange yourself: For most people, a mutually fulfilling sex life is incredibly important in a long-term relationship. That’s exactly why you should establish your sexual compatibility early on, Heitler said.

“If your spouse has zero interest in sharing sexual pleasures but you treasure your sexuality, your partner might end up feeling less interesting to you. And you may begin to feel that a marriage without sex is unacceptable. “

6. Your partner pushes you away.

We all have attachment styles that affect our behavior in relationships. If you feel comfortable being close and intimate, but your partner has an avoidant and dismissive attachment style, it’s going to be difficult for you to bridge that gap, said Marni Feuerman, a couples therapist based in Boca Raton, Florida.

“It can be maddening to be with someone who is highly avoidant,” she said. “In fact, it can turn a normally calm and self-assured person into a bundle of neediness.”

She added: “It chips away at your self-esteem to be with someone who shows you no affection or compliments, engages in mechanical sex and has no desire for closeness with you.”

7. Your partner is truly a narcissist.

If your partner truly has narcissistic personality disorder (as opposed to someone with narcissistic traits), maintaining your relationship is going to be an uphill battle, said Carin Goldstein, a marriage and family therapist based in Sherman Oaks, California.

“It is not uncommon for the narcissistic partner to sometimes throw a bone here and there, giving the other partner hope that they’re finally beginning to evolve in a way that will save the relationship,” she said. “Unfortunately, it’s usually just crumbs. Most of the time, they criticize you for making their life miserable.”

8. You can’t open up to each other.

You need to feel comfortable laying bare your problems and frustrations with your partner. It’s problematic if one of you prefers to keep your emotions bottled up, said Marie Land, a psychologist based in Washington, D.C.

“If you’re not expressing your feelings, you may start to feel anxious or disappointed in the relationship,” she said. “You don’t want to end up distancing yourself from your partner, giving up on them prematurely, or feeling straight up depressed about the state of the relationship. That’s exactly how you’ll feel if one or both of you don’t express what you’re feeling.”

We’ve all been there — you meet someone new, start dating and everything’s going great, but before long, you end up finding out about his or herВ romantic and/or sexual history.

Some people are able to just brush off revelations their partners once enjoyed threesomes or recently brokeВ up with the loveВ of their life.

Other people — like me — find that it’s more difficult to get over their partner’s romantic and sexual past with other people. Emotions aren’t always perfectly logical, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. If this particular problem keeps you up at night, know that you are not alone.

“It is not at all unusual to wonder about your partner’s previous romantic and sexual history,” Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, a licensed clinical psychotherapist, tells Elite Daily. “We all need reassurance that we are The One. But wonder is different from worry and anxiety.”

There are a variety of reasons you might be feeling conflicted over your significant other’s past, according to Dr. Wish. “You might be picking up subtle but important clues from your new partner that his or her heart is elsewhere,” she says. If your partner gets emotional or upset when talking about their ex, or is still in regular contact with their ex, you might feel particularly triggered over this issue. Not every partner who maintains a friendship with their ex is cause for concern, of course — sometimes, a friendship really is just a harmless friendship — but if your partner seems very defensive or protective of their connection with an old flame, that might create the potential for you to worry about your relationship.

It’s also possible that “your hurt, disappointment, and fears from your previous relationships can intensify your worry,” Dr. Wish points out. If you’ve been burned before by an ex who was still hung up on their ex, you might be more careful about sussing out the truth about your new partner’s headspace this time around.

To combat these stressful feelings, Dr. Wish advises keeping a journal in order to better understand how you behave and think in romantic relationships. She suggests exploring your mindset by writing out answers to the following questions:

  • What was going on in my life at the time I met this person?
  • What attracted me to this person?
  • Do I get trapped in this same love pattern often? How would I describe this pattern?
  • How would I rate my urgency to find a partner?
  • What can I do to “read” people better?

In addition to journaling, or if journaling doesn’t provide the emotional relief you seek, Dr. Wish suggests seeking the help of a therapist who can help you untangle these emotions.

It’s also worth considering your own romantic and sexual past. If you’ve dated or slept with other people, and you’re now fully excited about and focused on your new partner, isn’t it possible that your new significant other feels the same way about you?

Personally, I used to feel anxious and jealous when I thought about my girlfriend’s dating history. I spent a few months exploring how to change my mindset — for me, that involved some meditation and some brainstorming about how I wanted to spend my time. Ultimately, I was able to overcome those thoughts, and eventually, my girlfriend and I got married.

As uncomfortable as these feelings of jealousy, anxiety, or insecurity may be, there’s so much joy, connection, and intimacy to look forward to if you’re able to focus on what you have in front of you. With some effort, you can get there.

Additional reporting by Hannah Orenstein.

This article was originally published on Aug. 25, 2016