How to be a nice guy

Most women claim to want the guy who is sensitive, emotionally fluentВ and intimate. Yet, when it comes down to it, women consistently chase after the “bad boy,” the guy who is narcissistic, self-absorbed and avoids all forms of intimacy as if theyВ were infectious diseases.

A woman’s dating preference is the ultimate paradox.

The thing is, while we’re constantly on the lookout for that super sweet, caringВ guy who will make a great companion, we’re actually attracted to the guy who ignites passion within us.

Nice guysВ are just boring.

It’s a giant catch-22, isn’t it? We want to have serious relationships with good,В sweet guys, but we want to make babies with aggressive assh*les.

There’s just something so satisfying about taking the jerk home from the bar who’s spent most of the night intellectually challenging you in a heated verbal debate.

He needs to be brought down a notch. He’s absolutely infuriating!В And isn’t that so f*cking sexy?

What it all comes down to is biology. We are literally, scientifically geared toВ want assh*les.

While women claim to want “the nice guy,” we’re genetically hard-wired to want to procreate with the alpha male because he hasВ stronger sperm.

There is an actual “Nice Guy Paradox”

In two studies highlighted in “Sex Roles, A Journal of Research,” the “nice guy paradox” is explored.

This nice guy stereotype contends that women often claim they want a nice guy, a man who is sweet, kind and sensitive, and yet, when it comes down to it, she rejects this man for one with “other salient characteristics” like a hot body or an ultra strong personality.

Both studies found that “nice” qualities were more desirable for long-term relationships while physical attractiveness prevailed in terms of sexual relationships:

Niceness appeared to be the most salient factor when it came to desirability for more serious relationships, whereas physical attractiveness appeared more important in terms of desirability for more casual, sexual relationships.

A study in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy focused on university women and their perception of the “nice guy” stereotype:

More than one half of the women agreed that nice guys have fewer sexual partners, however, more than one half also reported a preference for a nice guy over a bad boy as a date.

As hypothesized, women who placed a lesser emphasis on the importance of sex had fewer sexual partners, were less accepting of men who had many sexual partners and were more likely to choose the nice guy as a dating partner.

So when it comes to sex, women are more inclined toward the fiery, passionate qualities they attribute to the “bad boy” or the alpha male, but when it comes to dating and serious relationships, women claim to want a “nice guy.”

Girls like to have someone around to whom they can express their feelings, but women are sexual creatures, so when it’s time to jump in the sack, we want a guy who is going to lay it down.

This means even though we ladies claim to want serious relationships with good guys, we end up going for the guy who’s no good for us.

So it’s sex that ultimately drives a woman into the arms of the alpha assh*le. What a tangled web we weave, no?

We just don’t learn our lesson

A study fromВ researchers at Hartpury College in England,В of 146 British women, ages 18-24, found that even the most seasoned daters still tended to fall for men who expelled narcissistic qualities.

The narcissistic male does not make a good partner, but even experienced females do not realize this.

These women even often ended upВ marriedВ to narcissists. In a tragic twist of fate, the assh*les are now breeding assh*les. Oy vey.

The tests are tried and true; women habitually chase these d-bags, despite how many times they have their hearts broken.

It’s like we just can’t help ourselves. We want those arrogant dicksВ who make us somehow feel alive.

We love the danger

We choose assh*les because of the danger factor involved in dating guys who areВ strongВ and conceited.

We know they’re wrong for us, they’ll never treat us the way we think we deserve to be treated, and instead of running for the hills, we jump on for the ride. Damn you, biology!

Nice guys are boring

No woman wants to be with a man who doesn’t know how to assert himself. Whether we want to admit it or not, we want excitement in our relationships. We want a powerful, aggressive man.

This can be a difficult thing to admit as a strong, independent female, but it is, nonetheless, true.

Women don’t want to be with someone who is all calm seas and clear skies; we crave constant challenges in everything we do.

When it comes to love, we choose the guy who satisfies that desire. The nice guy may seem great on paper, but he turns out bland in real life.

We want a project

Women like to “fix men.” A nice guy doesn’t need any taming. He’s already solid on the homefront. He isn’t intense or severe.

As often as we ladies say those chaotic personality traits aren’t what we’re looking for in a boyfriend, they are. Just look at history.

When a woman is faced with a “bad boy,” she automatically findsВ the challenge to tame himВ alluring.

His vanity is all at once angering and intoxicating. If she can bring him down to earth, it would be the ultimate accomplishment.

David is a publisher and entrepreneur who tries to help professionals grow their business and careers, and gives advice for entrepreneurs. Read full profile

How to be a nice guy

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You don’t need anyone to tell you how important it is to read between the lines and pick up on all those subtle signs that say the person you’re with is a good guy. But, how do you really know he’s a keeper? Should you take things with him to the next level? Maybe even to marriage? Here are15 tell-tale signs that indicate your man is a great guy and you should probably hold on to him with everything you’ve got.

1. He is your biggest fan (arguably at par with your mom).

You are a priority in his life and he’s always looking out for you. He supports you and your dreams, encourages you when you are feeling down, and uplifts and keeps you focused on the positive side of life. He is just there for you.

2. He initiates and holds intellectually stimulating conversations with you.

That’s because he doesn’t like gossip or mediocre, empty rhetoric like who’s wearing what and where. Instead, he initiates meaningful conversations that stimulate your mind, such as new ways to look at a situation or make an impact in your own and other people’s lives.

3. He listens to you.

He’s actually your go-to person whenever you want to talk to someone or just share an experience you’ve had, such as an experience about work, about a feeling, about anything. You used to call your friend(s), now you don’t feel the need quite as much because you are satisfied after you talk to him.

4. He lets you vent.

Sometimes you just want to voice your anger and or frustrations and have someone there with you who understands where we are coming from. A great guy is patient and stays put with you as you vent without getting annoyed or upset. The only thing that upsets him is that you are frustrated and he wishes you were not.

5. He speaks his mind – and does so coolly, calmly and respectively.

You see, a great guy has got high self confidence. He knows his own self-worth and doesn’t agree to everything you say. He has a mind of his own and is more than happy to let you have it. However, he speaks his mind in a cool, calm, collected and respectful manner.

6. He admits he’s wrong when he’s wrong.

It’s not in him to shift blame or try to maneuver out of a situation when he knows he’s clearly on the wrong. He simply admits when he’s wrong, apologies when the situation calls for it and tries to make amends. He knows to err is human and mistakes are learning opportunities that help you do things in a better way next time. There’s no shame in that.

7. He is passionate about his job and more than capable of motivating himself.

This is not to say that a man who is not passionate about his job is a bad guy. But, a great guy has figured out what he wants in his life and does it passionately. If he’s stuck in a job he doesn’t like, he’s working towards getting where his heart really lies and motivates himself throughout each step of the way. In other words, he has something else besides you he is passionate about.

8. He takes care of himself – mind, body and soul.

It’s difficult to care for others, if you can’t even care for yourself. A great guy knows this and does what he must to keep himself in good shape, physically, emotionally and spiritually. He might workout to take care of his body, read books to take care of his mind and go to church or meditate to nourish his soul (or spirit). Whatever it is, he takes care of his whole self (mind, body and soul) and ensures he is a well-oiled machine inside and out.

9. He surprises you with sweet words and/or acts of love every now and then.

Although he’s always loving and kind to you, sometimes he does things that take you by surprise and leave you muttering, “Awww! That is so sweet, honey.” He might tell you, out of the blue, you are the most beautiful woman on the planet on a day that you didn’t even put on your makeup or make you breakfast-in-bed. Those seemingly little, unexpected acts of love tell you he truly cares and wants to make you happy.

10. He genuinely cares about your friends.

Your friends know a thing or two about you that he doesn’t and they have helped you get through some difficult situations when he wasn’t around. So, yeah, he cares about your friends too. So much so, that he might asks how one of your friends he’s not heard about in a while is doing or even suggest you go spend time with that friend who’s having a bad day or sleep over at her place if she is going through a really tough time in her life.

11. He treats other people with kindness and respect.

How he treats other people (especially when no one is looking) is a sure sign of what kind of person he really is. If he treats people with respect and is kind and compassionate, he’s a catch. If he is dismissive, rude or even uninterested in the people around him, run! Any negative attitude and energy you notice will likely be directed at you when all the lovey-dovey feelings he has for you wane – and the feelings do wane naturally with time.

12. He’s got his act together and doesn’t need you to babysit him.

Everybody plays the cards they are dealt. Nobody is perfect. Great guys have their own issues too. He might go out clubbing with the boys and get drunk, but he will still get himself home safely. He doesn’t need you to watch him so he doesn’t do something stupid, carry him home after a drinking spree, or worse help him foot the bills because he is paying child support somewhere. He’s got all his stuff under control.

13. He is in good terms with your family, and has made sure you’ve met his.

It just makes sense to him that he should know and at least be civil with your parents and other family members, and for you to know and do likewise with his, including any siblings, grandparents, nieces and nephews. After all, you can’t quite know where you are going together unless you both know where you are coming from.

14. He keeps his apartment neat and tidy.

It doesn’t have to be sparkling clean, but his apartment is not a garbage dump. In fact, he doesn’t even have to have his own place, but any where he lives is clean, tidy and orderly. A neat and tidy house reflects positively on his character and mental state.

15. He doesn’t want to, but he is not afraid to lose you.

Yep, that’s a good thing because it means he is not needy or clingy. He’ll give you your space when you need it and allow you to pursue your own passions because he wants you to give him his space, as well. He’s a great guy!

How to be a nice guy

How to be a nice guy

Charlotte Andersen

Despite whatever you’ve heard, nice guys do not finish last. Real men with hearts of gold come in all shapes and colors and should be treasured wherever you find them — and there are plenty of legitimately nice guys in the world. But sadly there are a few self-proclaimed woman-saviors that end up ruining the fun for everyone.

Take this guy for instance: An anonymous man decided he needed the ladies in his hometown to know that a) they have terrible taste in men and b) should be dating him instead of the “scum” they’re currently with. So he taped up a letter all over town detailing all his concerns. Unfortunately while he might truly be an honorable gentleman (maybe? hopefully?), his note didn’t make him sound like a nice guy at all.

A 100% non serial killer thing to do is just print this up and put it up all over town with black duct tape pic.twitter.com/jlFV7Yaeoc

— Hi it’s Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) March 11, 2016

It reads “OK, ladies. I get it. You don’t want a pleasant evening chat. You don’t want a gentleman to walk you to your car. You don’t want a friendly dude to help you carry your groceries… or hold open the door… or crush the life out of other men that would do you harm. Fine – fear the good guys… I guess we’ll have to just suffer through watching you get broken over and over by the scum you think you love. But I want you to know – it’s not easy and it hurts to see you fall. Give the good guys a chance to help you be less afraid of the world.”

Kind of terrifying, no?

There are so many red flags in this letter. The first of which is the fact that he’s a self-proclaimed “good guy” who’s obviously doing something not good. The logic gets worse from there. Let’s break it down, shall we?

Signs that “nice guy” is actually a total creeper

1. He has to tell you he’s a nice guy

Good guys don’t walk around telling you how good they are and just expect you to take them at their word; they show you.

2. He expects to be rewarded for his good deeds

OK, sure, we all like to be appreciated when we do something nice for someone. But just because a guy buys a lady dinner doesn’t mean he is owed sex afterward. Good deeds are only good if they don’t come with strings attached.

3. He threatens to “crush the life” out of other people

Killing people, or even just threatening to, isn’t cute and it definitely isn’t nice. Nor is being jealous of your relationships with other men.

4. He won’t accept no as an answer

Whenever I hear “Why does she keep turning me down?” I always want to say “Why do you keep asking?” Accept her decision and I promise she’ll let you know if she changes her mind.

5. He demands a reason for rejecting him

Ladies, you don’t owe anyone an excuse — made up or legit — for why you don’t want to go out/give out your number/hook up/become Facebook friends. Besides, excuses often don’t work as creepy guys will just see it as a challenge to overcome.

6. He makes everything you do about him

Don’t want to go on a date? It’s because you hate him, not because you’re busy. Don’t smile when he holds open a door for you? It’s because you hate him, not because you’re tired after a long day. Don’t feel like chatting when some random approaches you in a dark grocery store parking lot for a “pleasant” evening chat? Obviously you’re a man-hating feminist ball-crusher taking advantage of his kindness. Obviously.

7. He turns on a dime

A friend was recently asked for her number by a guy at the gym. While he seemed really sweet when he was chatting her up, when she said, “No, thanks”, the dude yelled, “Well you’re a fat whore anyhow” before stalking off. There’s nothing nice about calling someone a bitch, insulting her appearance or threatening her after she turns you down. That’s just being two-faced.

8. He assumes you need or want his help

Help is nice, don’t get me wrong. But a guy should ask first if you’d like assistance, not assume you need to be rescued.

9. He thinks he knows what you want better than you know what you want

“You don’t really want to order the salad do you?” “You want long hair, it’s much prettier than short hair.” Or, of course, “You only think you love him. You really love me.”

10. He tires to make you feel guilty

His problems with women? Not your fault.

11. He makes fun of other women

A true nice guy will be nice to all women, regardless of whether or not he wants to sleep with them. If he’s only nice to girls he wants to bang, then he’s just an opportunist in nice guys’ clothing.

12. He creates a threat so he can save you from it

True story: I once had a date tell me, “I could totally rape you right now and there isn’t anything you could do about it… good thing I’m a nice guy.” Um, nope, now you’re officially a creeper. Also, let me out of the car now.

13. He’s offended when you’re cautious of him

Women aren’t “afraid of the world” nor do we “fear the good guys.” We’re afraid of men in general — because we have to be. We turn a guy down and risk getting shot, stabbed, burned by acid, punched, mass murdered, raped or “just” publicly humiliated. Of course it isn’t all men or even most men but a true nice guy will understand why you might be wary at first.

There’s at least one in every workplace. The “nice” employee who always treats everyone with respect and kindness. Yet, this is often the person who also gets no respect from co-workers nor does he or she get any true career satisfaction. In fact, so-called nice employees are often those who get walked on by other less nice employees and management. If you’ve found yourself in this position, then it’s time for a new attitude and the respect you deserve.

How to be a nice guy

Being nice at work – is it really worth it?

Do You Know What You’re Worth?

It’s one thing to be well-regarded by peers; it’s another to become a doormat. Oftentimes, employees who fall into this trap do so of their own accord. Generally, it’s out of a need to be liked by others in the workplace. But over time, an employee who is used to always saying “yes” and being sweet to everyone else becomes resentful of the less than respectful behaviors of colleagues. Likewise, the employee’s supervisor may not see leadership qualities in an employee who cannot stand up to others – meaning there are lost opportunities for career advancement.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. find out what it means to me.

It’s a basic human need to be part of a group, but it’s also a strong need to be respected by peers. Being respected can create a sense of being needed and valued by others. At work, being respected also means being heard, validated, and looked up to as a skilled professional. While some think respect has to be earned, actually all employees are worthy of respect from their co-workers, bosses, and even customers. No one can be happy or productive when subjected to disrespect all the time at the office. This is why niceness has to go!

Are you too nice?

Maybe you are not sure if you are being overly nice while at work. There’s a good chance that simply by reading this article, either you or someone you know is used and abused by co-workers.

It’s time to ask yourself: Is your need to be nice is truly serving your goals in your career, or making your life a living nightmare?

If you are too nice, you may find yourself continually taking on tasks of others and being afraid to say “no” for fear of rejection. You may feel underappreciated and that your manager never recognizes the work you do. You may even make personal and professional sacrifices just to make others happy. Being disrespected at work means no one values your opinion or even asks you what you think.

How to stop being so nice and gaining respect at work.

In order to regain the respect you need in your job, you don’t have to go to extremes. It’s a matter of transforming your attitude and your self-esteem. Here are some tips for being overly nice and getting back the respect you ought to have at work.

#1 – Respect Yourself First

If you want to get respect from others, you need to understand what it means to practice self-respect. Take the time to create more work-life balance that includes plenty of self-care and being nice to yourself. Stop the conflict between what you want to do and what you are stuck doing at work for others. Learn to speak affirming words over yourself.

#2 – Demonstrate Respect and Assertiveness to Others

People learn by example. This means you will have to teach them all over again what respecting you and others looks like. Start by demonstrating respect and assertiveness to your manager, your co-workers, and your customers without all the sugary talk and overtly nice behavior. Just be professional and direct.

#3 – Learn to Say “No” Sometimes

Being nice is often caught up with being a pushover when it comes to work tasks. Try this: next time a co-worker asks you to do one of their tasks, let them know that you have a lot on your plate already and when you get your own tasks completed and IF you have time, you can help. Otherwise, advise that there may be someone else who can get to it sooner.

#4 – Sometimes Less Becomes More

When it comes to dealing with difficult co-workers who try to walk all over you by demanding you do things for them or show you little to no respect, it’s time to cut them off. Never let anyone take advantage of your sunny personality by being rude, obnoxious, or aggressive. Simply, hear them out, and then in a professional manner let them know you no longer tolerate unprofessionalism around you and will only take on tasks that relate to your job as assigned by your immediate supervisor.

As you put these methods into practice, you can expect to feel a certain degree of guilt and worry for a little while. This is completely normal because you are learning new ways to handle things. There’s nothing wrong with being nice and being cordial towards your colleagues, but there should always be limits to this. Take the time to carefully weigh each and every situation you encounter at work and decide for yourself if being too nice is hurting your chances of career success.

Tell Us What You Think

Do you get the respect you so deserve at work, why or why not? Talk to us on Twitter and share your experiences!

Most women claim to want the guy who is sensitive, emotionally fluentВ and intimate. Yet, when it comes down to it, women consistently chase after the “bad boy,” the guy who is narcissistic, self-absorbed and avoids all forms of intimacy as if theyВ were infectious diseases.

A woman’s dating preference is the ultimate paradox.

The thing is, while we’re constantly on the lookout for that super sweet, caringВ guy who will make a great companion, we’re actually attracted to the guy who ignites passion within us.

Nice guysВ are just boring.

It’s a giant catch-22, isn’t it? We want to have serious relationships with good,В sweet guys, but we want to make babies with aggressive assh*les.

There’s just something so satisfying about taking the jerk home from the bar who’s spent most of the night intellectually challenging you in a heated verbal debate.

He needs to be brought down a notch. He’s absolutely infuriating!В And isn’t that so f*cking sexy?

What it all comes down to is biology. We are literally, scientifically geared toВ want assh*les.

While women claim to want “the nice guy,” we’re genetically hard-wired to want to procreate with the alpha male because he hasВ stronger sperm.

There is an actual “Nice Guy Paradox”

In two studies highlighted in “Sex Roles, A Journal of Research,” the “nice guy paradox” is explored.

This nice guy stereotype contends that women often claim they want a nice guy, a man who is sweet, kind and sensitive, and yet, when it comes down to it, she rejects this man for one with “other salient characteristics” like a hot body or an ultra strong personality.

Both studies found that “nice” qualities were more desirable for long-term relationships while physical attractiveness prevailed in terms of sexual relationships:

Niceness appeared to be the most salient factor when it came to desirability for more serious relationships, whereas physical attractiveness appeared more important in terms of desirability for more casual, sexual relationships.

A study in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy focused on university women and their perception of the “nice guy” stereotype:

More than one half of the women agreed that nice guys have fewer sexual partners, however, more than one half also reported a preference for a nice guy over a bad boy as a date.

As hypothesized, women who placed a lesser emphasis on the importance of sex had fewer sexual partners, were less accepting of men who had many sexual partners and were more likely to choose the nice guy as a dating partner.

So when it comes to sex, women are more inclined toward the fiery, passionate qualities they attribute to the “bad boy” or the alpha male, but when it comes to dating and serious relationships, women claim to want a “nice guy.”

Girls like to have someone around to whom they can express their feelings, but women are sexual creatures, so when it’s time to jump in the sack, we want a guy who is going to lay it down.

This means even though we ladies claim to want serious relationships with good guys, we end up going for the guy who’s no good for us.

So it’s sex that ultimately drives a woman into the arms of the alpha assh*le. What a tangled web we weave, no?

We just don’t learn our lesson

A study fromВ researchers at Hartpury College in England,В of 146 British women, ages 18-24, found that even the most seasoned daters still tended to fall for men who expelled narcissistic qualities.

The narcissistic male does not make a good partner, but even experienced females do not realize this.

These women even often ended upВ marriedВ to narcissists. In a tragic twist of fate, the assh*les are now breeding assh*les. Oy vey.

The tests are tried and true; women habitually chase these d-bags, despite how many times they have their hearts broken.

It’s like we just can’t help ourselves. We want those arrogant dicksВ who make us somehow feel alive.

We love the danger

We choose assh*les because of the danger factor involved in dating guys who areВ strongВ and conceited.

We know they’re wrong for us, they’ll never treat us the way we think we deserve to be treated, and instead of running for the hills, we jump on for the ride. Damn you, biology!

Nice guys are boring

No woman wants to be with a man who doesn’t know how to assert himself. Whether we want to admit it or not, we want excitement in our relationships. We want a powerful, aggressive man.

This can be a difficult thing to admit as a strong, independent female, but it is, nonetheless, true.

Women don’t want to be with someone who is all calm seas and clear skies; we crave constant challenges in everything we do.

When it comes to love, we choose the guy who satisfies that desire. The nice guy may seem great on paper, but he turns out bland in real life.

We want a project

Women like to “fix men.” A nice guy doesn’t need any taming. He’s already solid on the homefront. He isn’t intense or severe.

As often as we ladies say those chaotic personality traits aren’t what we’re looking for in a boyfriend, they are. Just look at history.

When a woman is faced with a “bad boy,” she automatically findsВ the challenge to tame himВ alluring.

His vanity is all at once angering and intoxicating. If she can bring him down to earth, it would be the ultimate accomplishment.

I’ve had an affinity for assholes since my first boyfriend at 16.

He would ignore my calls and cheat on me, then we’d argue and make up.В This hopelessly obsessive love cycle repeated until we were both too exhausted to care about each other anymore.В And even when it was over, it still felt like love.

Maybe my daddy issues are the reason why I have a thing for bad boys. Or, perhaps that first relationship conditioned me to believe unstable passion is the only type of love I deserve.

AВ nice guy’s compliments pale in comparison to the rush of pursuing a guy. I crave the thrill of the chaseВ and winning him over.В Sure, it may take a GPS and a black light to figure out his feelings, but the cat-and-mouse game isВ exciting.В The man-eater in me feasts on it.

That is, until I opened up myself to a good guy.

For so long,В I was emotionally allergic to the nice guys. I found them to be boring doormats. They wereВ merely play things when I needed attention.

They’re practical, safe dudes who won’t put you in your place when you need it. They were never wild-hearted enough for my restless spirit, and could beВ clingy orВ obnoxious. Plus, doesn’t it always seem nice guys have their shit together a littleВ tooВ much?

Still, by giving the nice guy a real shot,В I not only learnВ how wrong I am about them, but alsoВ how emotionally f*cked up I am.

Lesson 1: I can be pretty mean at times.

Being nice isn’t really a chore for me.В I’m kind-hearted and considerate, unless I’m on the fence about a guy. Then,В I’m ice cold and distant.

For example, the one guy in my life I’ve deemed “the good guy” tried to visit me one weekend. Typically, an impromptu decision to visit the person you like is a kind gesture, but I was furious about him showing up when I wanted to nothing more than sleep.

Instead of seeing his visit as a pleasant surprise, I saw it as some intrusion and infringement on what I wanted.

Yep, I was a bitch. After my initial rage wore off, IВ realized he didn’tВ need a behavioral adjustment. I did.

Though I’m not 100 percent riding the nice guy bandwagon, I need to dial back the bitchiness when it’s unwarranted.

Lesson 2: I have to warm up to the idea of love.

Once upon a time, I would have enjoyedВ the instantaneous love I watched in “The Wedding Planner.”

But, I’ve had that, and most often it leads to a lot of sex and not much else. That’s whyВ I’m freaked out by nice guys who tend to lay their emotions on too thick, too soon.

The incessant compliments and adoration only make me want to flee to the nearest exit.В RushingВ from dinner dates to weekend tripsВ will make me shut down emotionally. I need time to process my attraction before I can warm up to a guy.

I want the love I have for my partner to grow at a slowВ pace in order to ensure we truly get to know each other.

Slow and steady wins my heart.

Lesson 3: I have a fear of being really, really happy.

Somewhere along my dating journey, I learned never to get too comfortable in relationships.В Will bae piss me off and make me hate him? Will he hurt me once I finally feel vulnerable?В Even though things are good, I can’t just enjoy the ride because I’m painfully waiting for the ride to break.

I’m terrified that I’ll get hurt by him or a curveball life may throw at us, so I keep a safe distance.

Every day is a battle to learn how to just be in a good situation.

Lesson 4: I’ve buried a lot of my past.

You don’t realize how emotionally damaged you are until someone takes a genuine interest in you. Nice guys will do that, and it’s frightening.

My “good guy” and I were recently talking about our families, discussing where we came from and how we grew up. The conversation had turned one-sided when I started asking more questions than answering his.

I was blocked off. There were a lot of things I wasn’t ready to share and had no intentions to further down the line.

Let’s just say, I called my therapist shortly afterward.

Lesson 5: I don’t practice what I preach.

My girlfriends can always count on me for solid advice, like “don’t be afraid to give great head” and “don’t date sh*tty dudes.”

I would never advise the girls in my squad to compromise their happiness for a f*ckboy.В However, I don’t take my own advice. For years, myВ friends begged me to date a guy with a legal job or to give the good guy a real shot. And, until recently, I fiercely ignored them.

Still, I think about running backВ to my asshole exes, to what’s familiar,В instead of sticking it out.

Lesson 6: I have no clue what I want.

I’ve been getting “good morning” texts since I had a Sprint flip phone. What’s different now is that the good guy genuinely wants me to wake up on a good note.

Some days I’m thankful for that. Others, I’m annoyed someone cares that much. It sounds crazy, I know. But, there are days don’t want to be considerate of a guy’s feelings just because he cares about mine.

He’s also the exact opposite of my type. He’s everything I didn’t know I would need emotionally.

So, did I have my type all wrong? Can I not even trust my own taste in men these days?

For now, we’re seeing where things go. Who’s to say dating the nice guy will lead toВ anything more than a few fun months? This is uncharted territory for me and I don’t know what the future holds. I’m just thankful this process is allowing me to face the woman in the mirror.

There’s at least one in every workplace. The “nice” employee who always treats everyone with respect and kindness. Yet, this is often the person who also gets no respect from co-workers nor does he or she get any true career satisfaction. In fact, so-called nice employees are often those who get walked on by other less nice employees and management. If you’ve found yourself in this position, then it’s time for a new attitude and the respect you deserve.

How to be a nice guy

Being nice at work – is it really worth it?

Do You Know What You’re Worth?

It’s one thing to be well-regarded by peers; it’s another to become a doormat. Oftentimes, employees who fall into this trap do so of their own accord. Generally, it’s out of a need to be liked by others in the workplace. But over time, an employee who is used to always saying “yes” and being sweet to everyone else becomes resentful of the less than respectful behaviors of colleagues. Likewise, the employee’s supervisor may not see leadership qualities in an employee who cannot stand up to others – meaning there are lost opportunities for career advancement.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. find out what it means to me.

It’s a basic human need to be part of a group, but it’s also a strong need to be respected by peers. Being respected can create a sense of being needed and valued by others. At work, being respected also means being heard, validated, and looked up to as a skilled professional. While some think respect has to be earned, actually all employees are worthy of respect from their co-workers, bosses, and even customers. No one can be happy or productive when subjected to disrespect all the time at the office. This is why niceness has to go!

Are you too nice?

Maybe you are not sure if you are being overly nice while at work. There’s a good chance that simply by reading this article, either you or someone you know is used and abused by co-workers.

It’s time to ask yourself: Is your need to be nice is truly serving your goals in your career, or making your life a living nightmare?

If you are too nice, you may find yourself continually taking on tasks of others and being afraid to say “no” for fear of rejection. You may feel underappreciated and that your manager never recognizes the work you do. You may even make personal and professional sacrifices just to make others happy. Being disrespected at work means no one values your opinion or even asks you what you think.

How to stop being so nice and gaining respect at work.

In order to regain the respect you need in your job, you don’t have to go to extremes. It’s a matter of transforming your attitude and your self-esteem. Here are some tips for being overly nice and getting back the respect you ought to have at work.

#1 – Respect Yourself First

If you want to get respect from others, you need to understand what it means to practice self-respect. Take the time to create more work-life balance that includes plenty of self-care and being nice to yourself. Stop the conflict between what you want to do and what you are stuck doing at work for others. Learn to speak affirming words over yourself.

#2 – Demonstrate Respect and Assertiveness to Others

People learn by example. This means you will have to teach them all over again what respecting you and others looks like. Start by demonstrating respect and assertiveness to your manager, your co-workers, and your customers without all the sugary talk and overtly nice behavior. Just be professional and direct.

#3 – Learn to Say “No” Sometimes

Being nice is often caught up with being a pushover when it comes to work tasks. Try this: next time a co-worker asks you to do one of their tasks, let them know that you have a lot on your plate already and when you get your own tasks completed and IF you have time, you can help. Otherwise, advise that there may be someone else who can get to it sooner.

#4 – Sometimes Less Becomes More

When it comes to dealing with difficult co-workers who try to walk all over you by demanding you do things for them or show you little to no respect, it’s time to cut them off. Never let anyone take advantage of your sunny personality by being rude, obnoxious, or aggressive. Simply, hear them out, and then in a professional manner let them know you no longer tolerate unprofessionalism around you and will only take on tasks that relate to your job as assigned by your immediate supervisor.

As you put these methods into practice, you can expect to feel a certain degree of guilt and worry for a little while. This is completely normal because you are learning new ways to handle things. There’s nothing wrong with being nice and being cordial towards your colleagues, but there should always be limits to this. Take the time to carefully weigh each and every situation you encounter at work and decide for yourself if being too nice is hurting your chances of career success.

Tell Us What You Think

Do you get the respect you so deserve at work, why or why not? Talk to us on Twitter and share your experiences!

How to be a nice guy

How to be a nice guy

“What’s wrong with being a nice guy?”

If this is your reaction, that’s already a sign that you should read this article. After going through Dr. Robert Glover’s book ‘[easyazon_link identifier=”0762415339″ locale=”US” tag=”w0f8f-20″]No More Mr. Nice Guy[/easyazon_link] ’, I found out being a nice guy can destroy your dating life or relationship with your spouse.

Are You A Nice Guy?

If you’re curious as to just how much of an impact the nice guy trait has on your success, keep reading. Here are the top ten signs that you are a nice guy, and what to do about it in order to ensure your success.

1. Nice Guy or A**hole Seems to Be the Only Two Options

Usually, nice guys are too rigid with their perspective. They don’t see anything wrong with being nice and think that if you’re not nice, you have to swing to the opposite end of the extreme and become extremely rude.

The truth is that there is a full spectrum of options between these extremes. You can be nice, but still have a backbone, set boundaries, and say no to requests.

2. You Give Expecting to Get Something in Return

Nice guys have what Dr. Glover calls “covert contracts.” They are false belief systems about how the world works. Any gift they give isn’t truly selfless. They come with an unstated expectation that it will be paid back.

When it is not, which it often isn’t because the other party isn’t aware of this contract, they become resentful or frustrated.

Don’t expect people to do things for you without you having to ask just because you did the same for them. People have their own obligations.

To solve this, improve your communication with your others. Don’t take someone out for dinner expecting that they’re now obligated to have sex with you.

That’s not how the real world works because relationships aren’t transactional like that; instead, they’re moments to connect with actual human beings. If something is bothering you, clearly let others know. You don’t have to hide it.

3. You Believe that if You’re Nice, Everyone Will Love & Desire You

When I was in high school, a kid in my class told me he hated me. I was devastated for days because I was nothing but nice to him. How and why should he hate me? He seemed to just hate me for the fun of it.

I learned that you can’t please everyone and you’ll just hurt yourself trying to do so. Being a good guy alone doesn’t mean that the world owes you anything. Nor does it mean that the heavens will part and you’ll just get everything you want in life.

4. You Believe that if You Do Everything Perfectly, it Will Be Smooth-Sailing

Nice guys have a fixed mindset. They hide their mistakes and shortcomings because they think they have to be perfect. They rely on external validation rather than having internal self-esteem.

Their worldview is often torn apart when they do everything “as they should” and still face trials and tribulations. Everyone will face unexpected problems in life. The world brings forth many disasters out of your control, like life-threatening illnesses, car accidents, or terrorist attacks.

Even on the person-to-person level, you can do everything “right” for your partner but she may not reciprocate or an illness may still plague her. You have to know when to move onto healthier relationships and be more realistic.

5. You Avoid As Much Conflict As You Can

Does this sound like you?

You don’t like fighting, arguing, or anything violent. You think the world can be a lot more peaceful so you avoid anytime of debate or conflict.

Nice guys avoid all conflict, but this extreme behavior leads to undesirable events. Sometimes, healthy debate is important for a healthy relationship. If you never push back or voice your opinion, the relationship is completely one-sided, which can lead to nothing getting resolved.

6. You Seek External Validation & Approval

Nice guys rely a lot on what the world tells them. If everyone thinks they’re awesome, they’re happy. If not, they’re crushed.

The problem with this model of the world is that you can’t always control external circumstances and they may be false representations of you as a person. Just because you aren’t doing well with women doesn’t mean you aren’t a good person.

Nice guys can quickly create toxic false assumptions about who they are.

7. You Have Toxic Shame You Try to Hide

Nice guys harbor deep insecurity or embarrassment. It could be anything from the religious implications of their behavior or their insecurities with how they’re different from others. Attempts to cover up this shame can play out in bizarre, unhelpful ways.

8. You Have Few or No Friendships With Other Masculine Men

Nice guys often had a upbringing that affected their behavior. Perhaps, they were brought up in a modern city that didn’t have a male rite of passage like most tribes used to. Or their father abandoned them at an earlier age.

Without a strong masculine tribe and friendships to learn from, nice guys adopt feminine behaviors that aren’t seen as attractive.

9. You’re Scared to Ask Others for a Favor Without Doing Anything in Return

Nice guys are often scared to death of asking someone do something for them if they can’t return the favor. Dr. Glover challenges you to ask three people to do something you could do yourself. If this feels like pulling teeth, it’s a red flag you’re a nice guy.

If so, start asking people on a frequent basis.

10. Everything Seems Fine to Others Until You Burst Like A Pressure Cooker

A nice guy will hold in negative events without letting anyone know so it builds and builds. Eventually, he bursts out in rage or frustration, which confuses people around him because they don’t see it coming.

It’s important to articulate what’s bothering you so others know. Work on saying “No” to requests. Nice guys always feel obligated to accept all requests from friends and family, which isn’t seen as attractive or the best use of his time.

Summary

Here’s a quick recap on the 10 signs you’re a nice guy, and how this could be destroying your success:

  1. Nice guy or a**hole seems to be the only two options
  2. You give expecting to get something in return
  3. You believe that if you’re nice, everyone will love & desire you
  4. You believe that if you do everything perfectly, it will be smooth-sailing
  5. You avoid conflict as much as you can
  6. You seek external validation & approval
  7. You have toxic shame you try to hide
  8. You have few or no friendships with other masculine men
  9. You’re scared to ask others for a favor without doing anything in return
  10. Everything seems fine to others until you burst like a pressure cooker