How to be cocky

How others see you.

Posted Dec 19, 2016

THE BASICS

  • Cultivating Confidence
  • Find a therapist near me
  • “Where do you see yourself in five years?” asked the interviewer.
  • “I’ll have your job in three,” replied the millennial applicant.

This is a true story I heard from an attendee of one of my leadership seminars (“Human Connection Strategies for Busy Bosses.”) Confidence is a good thing, but this wasn’t confidence. It was arrogance. Needless to say, the applicant didn’t get the job. In fact, the interview ended right there: “Thank you very much. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

How can you have confidence without being seen as cocky or arrogant? It’s a balance many people struggle with, and it’s a challenge because most people have an incorrect view of what confidence is. They believe that a “confidence scale” would look something like the illustration below.

How to be cocky

Without confidence, you’re perceived as a “doormat.” But if you have too much, you’re seen as arrogant or at least overconfident. So the key is to have some confidence, but not too much.

Makes sense, right?

This is not how confidence works. If you think my little back-of-the-envelope doodle is an accurate view of confidence, you may be struggling at work more than you need to. First, get the idea of “overconfidence” out of your head right now. Overconfidence doesn’t exist; there is no such thing as too much confidence. Say this out loud until you believe it. The myth of overconfidence, and the fear of it, are the biggest killers of genuine confidence that I’ve ever seen.

Confidence and arrogance are different things altogether: They are not related to one another, and you can have one without the other. Is everyone who is confident also arrogant? Nope. Is everyone who is arrogant also confident? Not at all. Bullies are arrogant, but deep down we know they aren’t confident in themselves. That’s why they bully others in the first place.

The opposite of arrogance is not a lack of confidence. It’s deference. Here’s another quick doodle to illustrate this concept:

How to be cocky

The vertical line is how much confidence you have, and the horizontal line is how much deference you have. Each quadrant has a description of how others see you.

You can have as much confidence as you please, as long as you balance it with an equal amount of deference. Without deference, you’re arrogant (whether or not you have any genuine confidence).

As psychologists Adam Galinsky and Maurice Schweitzer write:

“Confidence and deference are not mutually exclusive, and it’s usually a lack of deference rather than excess of confidence that gets powerful people into trouble.”

Donald Trump, for example, is confident, but not deferential. Lincoln was both.

How to be cocky

The way to build deference is through perspective-taking. Seeing from another person’s point of view is essential. Had that job applicant thought about the situation he was in for just a moment, he would have realized how he sounded to the interviewer in the moment: “Have my job in three years? Hey, it took me 20 to get here and I’m not giving it up to some snot-nosed kid who thinks he’s king.”

How to be cocky

Apr 9, 2018 · 4 min read

Confidence is one of those horribly tricky things that everyone expects you to have, but no one wants you to have too much of it. It really is the Goldilocks of personal characteristics. Too little confidence and the world can walk all over you without ever giving you the opportunity to speak, too much and you’re just kind of an arrogant ass.

My environment and genetics have enabl e d and encouraged me to be a confident person. I’ve been called bossy and opinionated my entire life, and I’m so pleased to finally be wearing those labels as badges of honour. Too quick are we to accept other people’s criticism of ourselves. It took me a long time, and ongoing effort, to realise that I don’t actually want to waste my time worrying about whether or not people like me. I have far better things to do with my time. As do you my friend.

But where is the line? How does one become confident without being a jerk? I think that a lot of it is personal and comes down to the individual, but for the sake of the article let’s think generally.

Going with our Goldilocks metaphor let’s break it down into three steps.

You know that horrible little voice that loiters in the back of your mind and undermines everything you do? It’s that really annoying one that stops you from speaking up, even though you have something interesting to add to the conversation. Yeah… you should ignore that voice. It’s full of lies. You do have something interesting to say. Everyone does. You work really hard and have learned a lot and what you say has merit. In academia especially, when we tend to be surrounded by a dozen or more people who are far more intelligent and advanced in their field than we are, it’s so easy to let that voice convince you to be quiet. And while I do advocate for the importance of listening (see next point) that’s not to say that you shouldn’t speak up. Even if you’re the novice in the room you still know things! You’ve worked hard to get to that room and you do have something to add and bring to the table. So step right and plant yourself at that damn table and be a part of the conversation. The worst that could happen is you have a full blown panic attack and pass out in front of a room full of peers and superiors. But a cocky person can come back from that. You can come back from that.

Step 2: Shut up and Listen

Now this is where the fine balance between confidence and arrogance comes into play. You must have the confidence to join the conversation AND the humility to know that you can’t carry both sides of it. To me, a true sign of confidence is someone who listens well and relishes in the power of silence. While you obviously have merit and value and deserve to be a part of the conversation, let’s be frank, you don’t know everything. You have a lot to learn from those around you. And there’s always going to be a benefit to shutting up and listening. There’s power in listening and there’s power in learning, and a true sign of confidence is someone who can listen and listen well. Confidence does not mean you have to be the person always speaking. It means you have confidence in your own stillness and you can stand there, listen with intention, and absorb what is happening around you.

Step 3: Be brave and be bold (and fake it if you need to)

Isn’t it lovely to read advice from someone who doesn’t know what they’re talking about? Congratulations if you’ve made it this far. It’s all fine and dandy for me to sit here and encourage you to speak up with boldness and listen with intent but, and I’m well aware of this tricky fact, it is far easier said than done. But that’s where the art of faking it comes in. I’m pretty sure that everyone has days where that little voice wins and you feel completely horrid and useless. But those are the days where it’s imperative to lean into the cockiness. The days where you feel like hiding are the days were it’s vital to stand up tall. Sometimes it will work, sometimes it won’t. But you will fool the fools because no one can hear that inner voice except you. And you have far better things to do with your time than listen to it.

So listen to Marie Curie instead:

“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained.” -Marie Curie

How others see you.

Posted Dec 19, 2016

THE BASICS

  • Cultivating Confidence
  • Find a therapist near me
  • “Where do you see yourself in five years?” asked the interviewer.
  • “I’ll have your job in three,” replied the millennial applicant.

This is a true story I heard from an attendee of one of my leadership seminars (“Human Connection Strategies for Busy Bosses.”) Confidence is a good thing, but this wasn’t confidence. It was arrogance. Needless to say, the applicant didn’t get the job. In fact, the interview ended right there: “Thank you very much. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

How can you have confidence without being seen as cocky or arrogant? It’s a balance many people struggle with, and it’s a challenge because most people have an incorrect view of what confidence is. They believe that a “confidence scale” would look something like the illustration below.

How to be cocky

Without confidence, you’re perceived as a “doormat.” But if you have too much, you’re seen as arrogant or at least overconfident. So the key is to have some confidence, but not too much.

Makes sense, right?

This is not how confidence works. If you think my little back-of-the-envelope doodle is an accurate view of confidence, you may be struggling at work more than you need to. First, get the idea of “overconfidence” out of your head right now. Overconfidence doesn’t exist; there is no such thing as too much confidence. Say this out loud until you believe it. The myth of overconfidence, and the fear of it, are the biggest killers of genuine confidence that I’ve ever seen.

Confidence and arrogance are different things altogether: They are not related to one another, and you can have one without the other. Is everyone who is confident also arrogant? Nope. Is everyone who is arrogant also confident? Not at all. Bullies are arrogant, but deep down we know they aren’t confident in themselves. That’s why they bully others in the first place.

The opposite of arrogance is not a lack of confidence. It’s deference. Here’s another quick doodle to illustrate this concept:

How to be cocky

The vertical line is how much confidence you have, and the horizontal line is how much deference you have. Each quadrant has a description of how others see you.

You can have as much confidence as you please, as long as you balance it with an equal amount of deference. Without deference, you’re arrogant (whether or not you have any genuine confidence).

As psychologists Adam Galinsky and Maurice Schweitzer write:

“Confidence and deference are not mutually exclusive, and it’s usually a lack of deference rather than excess of confidence that gets powerful people into trouble.”

Donald Trump, for example, is confident, but not deferential. Lincoln was both.

How to be cocky

The way to build deference is through perspective-taking. Seeing from another person’s point of view is essential. Had that job applicant thought about the situation he was in for just a moment, he would have realized how he sounded to the interviewer in the moment: “Have my job in three years? Hey, it took me 20 to get here and I’m not giving it up to some snot-nosed kid who thinks he’s king.”

We all know people who sing their own praises at every work or social opportunity. You may sometimes wonder if they know something about self-confidence that you don’t. Perhaps their annoying habit is a sign that they’ve discovered some secret to waking up every day feeling ready to conquer the world. Truly, the line between self-confidence and arrogance can seem finer than it really is.

Cocky or Confident?

Cocky people do have confidence, but it comes from a different place than true self-assurance. Arrogance is one result of building self-esteem from outward sources such as financial privilege or constant praise. However, yank the external support system away, and the person’s sense of self-worth goes with it.

You build true self-confidence from within and project it to the world. Confident people have a realistic picture of their own traits and abilities and trust themselves enough to respond to life authentically. They learn from failure rather than letting it define them, and they forge ahead a bit wiser.

A hallmark of the genuinely self-assured person is the ability to admit to a mistake without excessive apologizing or rationalization. A cocky colleague, on the other hand, is more likely to pass the buck.

Four Ways to Tell the Difference

1. Style vs. Bling Addiction.

True style is personal and has little to do with trends. Confident people enjoy what they have without defining themselves by their possessions. These are the folks who survive disasters with a strong and giving spirit. Their sense of self remains constant even if they must physically rebuild.

Arrogant people are more often emotionally devastated by material losses and may struggle harder to define their core values in the face of adversity. Not everyone who flaunts “stuff” is cocky, but ostentation suggests a distorted self-image.

2. Active Listening vs. the Monologue.

That person who insists on holding court in any gathering is probably a frightened jester rather than a monarch.

Arrogant people need to validate their belief of being better than others and are constantly looking for opportunities to sell themselves.

If you like yourself as you are, you free up energy to be genuinely interested in other people. You engage in active listening and ask sincere questions. In turn, people will respond positively to your attentiveness.

3. Ambition vs. Ruthlessness.

Ambition is not a crime. Confident people relish achievement and contributing their talents to the world. They don’t feel threatened by others’ successes and instead try to learn from them.

Cocky people need to believe that they are on top even if reality says otherwise. This can lead to unnecessarily manipulative or callous behavior as they focus on defending a power base at all costs.

4. The Human vs. the Greek God.

As a self-confident person, you accept that you are just a human being. You are intrinsically no better or worse than anyone else. In addition to your successes, you have flaws, failures and really bad hair days or even years. You treat yourself with compassion while taking responsibility for your choices, and you learn from misfortune and mistakes.

Arrogant people can’t risk the fragile persona crumbling in the face of defeat and run from criticism. They tend to go to extremes of either deflecting blame onto others or condemning themselves for being only human.If you wonder about your own cocky moments, you are probably in the ballpark of self-confidence.

Truly secure people evaluate their own behavior and face their doubts. By letting go of fear, you set yourself up for success.

Last medically reviewed on December 26, 2012

How to be cocky

We likely know arrogant or cocky people in our lives, and we may throw around the word “narcissistic” when referring to them. But there’s actually a pretty significant difference between arrogance and narcissism, and it’s definitely worth acknowledging.

While there are cocky, arrogant traits that fall into both camps, experts agree that a narcissistic person will be way more toxic to be around. “There is definitely cockiness in narcissism,” mental health counselor Erin C. Parisi, LMHC, CAP tells Bustle. “Both seem pretty full of themselves, both probably like attention . But the major difference, that absolutely makes narcissism more of a problem than just cockiness, is the empathy piece. Someone who lacks empathy, has little compassion for others, and can’t see things from another point of view,” may meet criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

But it’s important not to diagnose anyone, since experts say many people have some of these traits, to one degree or another. “Keeping in mind all traits fall on a spectrum of severity, a person can be ‘a little’ cocky or arrogant, or ‘very’ cocky or arrogant,” Parisi says. “Same is true of narcissism. Some people could technically meet criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder but don’t have severe interpersonal problems, while others repeatedly end up in legal trouble.”

The two can seem similar, but NPD can greatly impact the sufferers life, as well as the lives of the people they meet. By recognizing what NPD might look like, in comparison to arrogance, you can help protect yourself from getting caught up in a toxic situation. Here are a few ways experts say arrogance differs from narcissism.

An Arrogant Person Might Exaggerate Their Abilities

We all know that arrogant person who tends to exaggerate what they can do. “Cockiness tends to be focused on abilities,” licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula tells Bustle. An arrogant person may play up what they can do, and show off a bit.

She says arrogant people might say things like, “I have never spent more than 30 minutes preparing for a test, and I always rock the A.” Or something like, “I show up to marathons hung over all the time and I still beat out everyone in my running club.” It might be annoying, but their impact on others generally stops there.

A Narcissist Will Exaggerate Their Abilities To Make You Feel Bad

Narcissists are also arrogant when it comes to their skill level, but to a dysfunctional degree. “A cocky person can actually have empathy — the person who doesn’t prepare for the test may actually take the time to help someone else with it (they are cocky about their own performance, but could help someone else study),” Durvasula says. “A narcissist would be cocky and not think about how it affects someone else when they say those things, and would say those things to get validation or envy from other people.”

Creating envy is a narcissist’s MO, and if there’s anything they can do to knock others down, they’ll go for it. “It shows a lack of insight or care about how [their] words and attitude affect other people,” Durvasula says, “Which is what narcissism looks like.”

A Cocky Person Will Want Things Done Their Way

It’s fine to have your own way of doing things. We all do. But cocky people will generally think their way is the best way. And that everything they want should be done within their expected time frame.

And yet, they do have their limits. “An arrogant individual could think they are better than others, but still understand that not every single desire they have should be met right now,” Caleb Backe, a health and wellness expert with Maple Holistics, tells Bustle. A cocky person may sigh, or become slightly annoyed when things don’t go their way. But they can handle it.

How to be cocky

  • About
  • Cocky’s History
  • Request Cocky

General Information:

When available, Cocky makes public appearances for community and/or private parties upon request for the Columbia and the surrounding areas. Cocky appearances for businesses are reserved for our sponsors only.

Please note that Cocky is unavailable during the dates of June 15 – August 1 of each year.

*OUTSIDE APPEARANCES ARE DETERMINED AROUND THE USC AND ATHLETIC SCHEDULE AND ARE SUBJECT TO BE CHANGED AND/OR CANCELED IN THE EVENT OF A CONFLICT WITH A USC AND/OR ATHLETIC EVENT.

Providing availability, Cocky makes appearances inside the Columbia area at the following rates:

  • PRIVATE PARTIES = AS OF SEPTEMBER 1, 2015: $200/event with a one (1) hour time maximum per event
  • COMMUNITY EVENTS = $50/hour
  • SCHOOL APPEARANCES INSIDE REGULAR SCHOOL HOURS= No cost if inside Columbia area
  • MILEAGE FEE = 50 cents per mile roundtrip
    *As of August 1, 2015, all off-campus appearances (10 miles or more from USC Campus) will be charged an additional mileage fee.

Hotel Accommodations:

Hotel accommodations will be requested in addition for any appearance outside a 90 mile radius of USC Columbia campus (zip code 29208) with the below start times:

Appearances with a start time of or before 8:00AM (hotel will be requested for the evening prior to appearance)

Appearance with a start time of or after 8:00PM (hotel will be requested for the evening of appearance)

An important life skill.

  • EMAIL
  • SHARE

How to be cocky

Derek St. Hubbins, the front man of British rockers Spinal Tap once said that there was a fine line between clever and stupid. The same could be said about the line between confidence and arrogance. And it’s a line that can become quite blurry for a lot of guys. Not enough confidence and you look weak, but carry yourself with too much and you can come off as a cocky SOB that no one wants to deal with.

“Finding the right amount of confidence can be tricky for many men,” says Dr. Gilbert E. Franco, a professor of psychology at Beacon College in Leesburg, Fla. “Many want to be confident, but do not know how. Some men may have not had confident male role models; others may be experiencing inner factors such as depression or anxiety.” Understanding how to act confidently without coming off as arrogant is an essential skill, one that can help with relationships with coworkers, friends, and family. It’s also something that can be hard to recognize. Here, then, are some tips on how to act assuredly and not give off the vibe of a cocky a-hole. The world could use fewer of those.

Make Eye Contact

Sure, this might seem like confidence 101, but there’s a right way and a wrong way to handle it. People tend to either opt for no eye contact or too much, both of which are wrong when it comes to displaying confidence. When greeting someone, look them in the eye, shake hands and smile. Don’t get into a staring contest, though. Keep your eyes engaged but not locked in.

Try Not to Talk About Yourself Too Much

No one likes a braggart. But chances are they also aren’t particularly thrilled about hearing about all your accomplishments. At least not to the exclusion of everything else. Let your accomplishments speak for themselves. If you’ve done enough that’s worth noting, people will want to talk about it. “A confident person is secure to the point that they do not brag about themselves or their accomplishments to others,” says Franco. “Instead, they behave in a way where other people talk about you and brag about you.”

Take an Interest in Other People

When you’re having a conversation with someone else, ask questions about them and listen, truly listen, to their interests and engage with them. People will appreciate your interest and, even subconsciously, recognize that you’re confident enough to not have to make it all about you. “The cocky man wants to spend the conversation talking about himself in order to boast,” says Patrick Kenger, a Men’s Image Consultant for Pivot Image Consulting.

Relax Your Body

Just as poor posture can convey weakness or discomfort, having a rigid, inflexible body type can convey the wrong message and make you look not only arrogant but standoffish. Having your arms and legs crossed might give you the illusion of confidence, but most people can see through the smokescreen. Just relax and take charge of your personal space. “The confident man appears relaxed,” says Kenger. “The cocky man appears like he’s being ‘tough.’”

Own Your Wardrobe

Dress well, yes, but don’t feel as though you have to be a slave to whatever trend the fashion world is following at the moment. If you are comfortable and relaxed in what you are wearing, then that will come across to the room much more so than the guy who is quite obviously trying to appear fashion-forward. “The confident man knows how to dress well, but he wears what he likes and actually thinks about his taste rather than just following the herd,” says Kenger. “I would strongly encourage men to develop more of their own personal style as a means of communication a sense of confident individuality.”

Carry Yourself Accordingly

Arrogant people tend to try and control a room by being the loudest person there. They draw attention to themselves and put others down in an effort to build themselves up. Those with natural confidence, however, earn a good reputation by not feeling the need to brag or boast. “The biggest factor, I believe is body language,” says Ryan Ewalt, a personal trainer who has worked with NFL players. “They walk into a room and know that they belong, there is no insecurity. They compete with themselves. Cocky individuals seem to measure their worth based on how they stack up to others.”

Be Secure in Your Talents

Many people who come across as overly confident are actually deeply insecure. Their arrogance stems from the worry that they don’t know as much as they should and are terrified of being found out, a psychological affliction known as Imposter Syndrome. You have talents, so use them. Invest in your skills and bring them to the fore so that, when you find yourself in a social situation, you can be confident in what you’re bringing to the table. Says Anne Brackett, CEO of Strengths University.“Being confident is understanding who you are and who you aren’t. So stop worrying about being perfect and start being you.”

  • Best PUA Training| Uncategorized| Cocky Funny

Cocky Funny

Cocky and Funny, or C/F for short, is a style of pickup developed by David DeAngelo. For many years it was the core of his system, and it still plays a large role in what he teaches, although he’s broadened his approach in recent years.

Nevertheless, cocky/funny is an incredibly powerful tool used to generate large amounts of attraction with women. The idea is to keep a woman off-balance while simultaneously hitting all of her attraction switches related to confidence. You stay unpredictable, fun, and challenging.

The key to cocky/funny pickup is to be both cocky and funny, simultaneously. It is not about being cocky one minute and funny the next, it is about being both, all the time. Many guys who experiment with c/f material struggle because they alternate. If you’re just being funny, you’re being a clown – and women may like clowns, but they don’t sleep with them. If you’re just being cocky, you’re being a jerk.

Signs of effective cocky/funny material are a woman hitting you while laughing, or smiling while saying, “I can’t believe you just said that!”

Good examples of cocky-funny lines are: “I realize you’re probably shy because you get no attention from men whatsoever, so I decided to come over and pay attention to you.” Or, if she says something clever, say, “Congratulations, that’s 5 points right there – and you needed them since you were at -16 before.”

But more than a series of lines, cocky/funny is an attitude – it’s an attitude that says you don’t take anything she says or does too seriously. It means never giving her questions a straight answer, and never giving her a moment to catch up. If she asks you what you do, you come up with the most absurd thing that you can think of, and deliver it with a straight face. Be a lion tamer. Be an astronaut. Being cocky and funny means being willing to run with whatever pops into your head.

Often a woman will challenge you after you say something cocky and funny, to see if you’ll pull back, say you were just kidding, or make some other display of weakness. If she seems shocked, don’t apologize, rather, just look her evenly in the eyes and say, “Yeah, I said it.” And smile.

Other aspects of cocky/funny include:

The “I’m messing with you,” vibe. The whole concept of teasing is connected to cocky/funny. But think about how you relate to your friends, how you might just say absurd things as if they were completely true. How absurd a story can you get her to buy?

Speaking the unspoken. This is a very powerful tool. Call direct attention to the subtext. For example, if she’s hitting you, being fake-mad the way women tend to do when you’ve done cocky/funny material, just call her on it. “Oh, you like me. Look at you, hitting me like you’re a 3rd grader.” Any time she’s engaging in behavior which suggests she’s into you, point it out and tease her about it.

Add these tools to your toolbox, and you’ll find yourself generating more and more attraction.