Dating your yoga instructor, commute-crush, Tinder-bae and that guy/gal you just met at the bar may sound like fun but it’s actually a logistical nightmare. Plus, if you don’t communicate like an overblown Ted talker then some feelings are bound to get hurt — yours included. And whilst most of us consider ourselves lucky to attract the interest of one romantic party (let alone multiple), this just means that if and when the situation arises, we are woefully unprepared.
Enter: Reddit’s latest AskMen masterpiece: “New to dating. What’s the etiquette on dating multiple women at once?” In this thread, the internet forum’s 1.1 million-strong community weigh in — upvoting and downvoting the smartest responses — to bring us the ultimate guide to dating multiple people at once.
At what point are you assumed exclusive? When should you ask if they are seeing other people? How do you tell a long lusted after friend that you just don’t think it’s going to work? Wonder no more: this is the etiquette to getting freaky without getting freaked out on.
“Essentially, I’ve been on a 1st date with 2 different women. They both went very well. I know this may seem like a stupid question to some of you, but can I date them both for now? Obviously after 1 date it’s nothing serious, but I’ve genuinely never been in this position and don’t want to f*ck up haha.”
This is the question that started the debate. The internet’s answers are below.
It’s Fine To Be ‘Seeing’ Multiple People At Once
One Redditor sums it up perfectly: “If exclusivity hasn’t been discussed, it’s generally okay to be dating multiple people… up until a certain point. For example, if you’re only like a few dates in with the girls you’re talking to, then no harm no foul (the girls are probably talking to other guys too).”
“A surprising amount of girls will be okay with you talking to other girls in the early stages.”
But You Shouldn’t ‘Seriously Date’ Multiple Partners At Once (Unless They Know About It)
“HOWEVER,” the same Redditor continued, “If you’re doing ‘coupley’ things with a girl like staying the night, spending extended periods of time together, meeting her friends, etc then you should either stop talking to the other girls or make it very clear that you’re talking to other people.”
“I know some people like to use the excuse of ‘B-but we didn’t agree to be exclusive! It’s not my fault I was f*cking other people even though we were spending 4 nights a week together, holding hands in public, and basically acting like a couple!’ — it’s best to be transparent and not lead other people on.”
If your partner is fine with you ‘seriously dating’ (or ‘seeing’) someone else at the same time that the two of you are ‘seriously dating’ then great: but you have to give them the chance to make that decision for themselves.
Transparency Is Your Friend
“Some people really do use it as an excuse to stretch boundaries,” another commenter added. “It’s almost expected to be talking to multiple people early on, but at a certain point relationships require communication and transparency.”
In The End, It’s All About Context — & Your Gut
Hemingway once said, “So far, about morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.” So trust your conscience, and even if you can ‘technically’ justify something to yourself, if you’re conscience pings, it’s probably not kosher after all…
Or, as one commenter puts it, there is “a certain line of no return (having sex, dating constantly for more than two weeks, etc…) that I would let the other know that I was going to pursue the other person.”
But of course, you have to weight this up with the fact that, when you are using things like tinder, dates are incredibly hit and miss and everyone is hedging their bets a little. So — essentially — if you think you might really care about someone, or have hit it off with them, it’s probably best not to start seeing their best friend on the side…
“Obviously, it’s not ‘cheating’ because you aren’t together, but emotionally if I was dating a guy and things were progressing great, then I find out he has been seeing someone else too… it would feel like a betrayal, so I’d rather be honest about what I want than get upset by behaviour that to them was no big deal.”
I rarely date three women at the same time. It stretches you thin, and after a while, you feel as if you’ve been swallowed up and spit out by the sea.
Dating three women at the same time is asking for trouble, like a squirrel spending too much time in the street. You could even do everything right and still find yourself all squished and shit.
So, I like to stick with two. Sometimes I’ll push, but usually it’s two. Two is a healthy number. It’s easier to process things in twos, probably because that’s the quantity so much of us comes in. Eyes. Ears. Arms. Balls.
Maybe dating two brings me some sort of whacked-out balance or something. I haven’t dated just one girl at a time for over a year.
I don’t know why I do these things. I just know that I do.
New York is a great place for this. It’s a little more expensive than, say, Boise, Idaho, but there are way more places to hide. I don’t know a thing about dating multiple women in Boise, Idaho or Birmingham or Phoenix or anywhere else. But if you want to do it in New York, I can offer some guidelines and pointers.
Let me clear some air before we continue with this, which is undoubtedly the douchiest post I’ve written yet.
One, I know this is the douchiest thing I’ve written yet, and it probably will be for some time. Two, I’m in no way saying you should date multiple women or should even want to. And three, by putting this in print, I’m not advocating in any way that I’m right or righteous in the least, nor am I trying to tell you this is what all the other guys are doing.
In truth, I’ve never met another guy like me in my life (for better or for worse).
That new guy you’re talking to is probably looking for the same things you are. So, don’t mistake this as something representative of what all males feel or want.
But, if you met a guy like this or want to be one on your own, or if you’re bored or tired or in a rut, I sincerely suggest pushing your limits and seeing the world in twos. It may drive you wild. It may drive you insane. It may just work.
Life starts slowing down as you get older, and this is just how I like to keep it going fast. I can’t really dance around the topic any longer. I date multiple women at the same time.
This is how I do it:
1. Choose your date wisely.
Lately, I’ve been trying to date only girls who are new to New York. This is a very large and specific group.
Girls who are brand new to New York have convinced themselves they are ready for adventure, for wonder, for whatever. They go see comedy shows in Times Square. They give homeless people their change. They won’t eat the street food. They aren’t New Yorkers yet, and many of them won’t last long enough to ever be.
They’ve all seen too much "Sex and the City," and then they get here and spend every night binge-watching it because they don’t know anyone and won’t go out alone. They live in Gramercy for now, until they move to Alphabet City, then Bushwick, then BedSty. They can’t believe the rent.
Since I always view dating as a short-term endeavor, I try to make my dating as symbiotic an experience as it can be. Girls who are new to New York are looking for friends.
I’m there to be a friend, a tour guide, a dash of the local to make them feel like they’ve arrived and already belong. I’m their first New York story because I’m the only one in this enormous city giving them the time of day.
Soon, I’ll be their first New York screwup, and that’s a milestone they’d secretly been hoping to hit as well. After a while, they start to make some real friends. They start to get acclimated. They start to find ways to fill the days. I can fade away.
Girls who are new to New York don’t know what it’s like dating in New York. They’re spending so much time just trying to acclimate to the city, to the streets, to their new jobs and to all this newness hitting them like a bag of bricks in the face every second of the day that they won’t make serious demands on your time. And it gives you time to meet others.
They also don’t have those New York friends who already know you’re a dick.
2. Completely disconnect yourself from the outside world.
This one is probably the most important. Get off Snapchat. Get off Instagram. Get off Twitter, for your own sanity if nothing else. You can keep your Facebook for posterity’s sake.
Those other social networks will only get you in trouble if you’re dating multiple women (especially Snapchat).
Think about it: Snapchat is basically a built-in security camera to your life that we prance around like a projector. No, it isn’t good for everyone to know what you’re doing at this exact moment in time. No, you do not want to showcase who you are with right now and what kind of poorly made cheesecake you’re eating.
Only harm can come from Snapchat. It can only broadcast your own stupidity. It can only get you caught. Good God, it hurts just thinking about.
I invited some friends out for my birthday this year to a three-floor bar. I didn’t invite either of the girls I was seeing. But one was there, just a floor below me, the entire night. She doesn’t know I know this. But I know she thinks I went somewhere else because I told her so, and there isn’t a stupid Snap story circling to prove me wrong.
Think about if every text you received warranted a 360-degree view of you and your surroundings as a response. That’s Snapchat. You wouldn’t be able to get away with a thing, even if you weren’t doing anything wrong.
3. Take them to the same places.
This might seem counterproductive. Wouldn’t bringing all your girls to the same places result in them running into each other? Not if you choose your spots carefully.
Take the new to the city girls to bars you know they’d never go back to without you. Take them to Tuesday night bars with Tuesday night crowds, so on Friday, they bring their gaggle of girlfriends to the high-end Meatpacking places instead.
Also, you’ll have an intimate time with her at your bar because there will be no one else there, and if you’re lucky, she may even deem it “your place” in her head and not go back without you.
4. Make sure it isn’t your place, and then make sure you leave.
How many hordes of marriages have begun as one-night whatevers, turned into two-night affairs, turned to oh-shit-it’s-Monday-morning-and-I-haven’t-been-home-yet endeavors and snowballed on and on from there?
Make sure you are the one with the power to leave. Then, make sure you do. Don’t risk falling into a love trap by spending too much time with one person.
Dating Multiple Women: What Every Guy Should Know
Lots of guys like the idea of dating multiple women at a time – but many struggle to make it happen.
Some guys don’t do it simply because it doesn’t seem possible. They believe that no woman would be okay with that arrangement. They’re also afraid that if they ever tried something like that they’d be labeled “players” or “dogs”.
Others guys are able to date multiple women but think the only way to do it is by keeping it a secret. They’ll put all kinds of effort in to making sure no girl finds out about the others. It both creates unnecessary stress and is wildly unfair to the women. This kind of setup is destined for disaster.
But dating multiple women at the same time is possible in a way that’s both respectable and stress-free. Here are a few keys on how to do it:
Be open about your situation
The most important part about dating multiple women at a time is making sure each girl knows the situation. It’s only fair the girl understands what she’s getting into. Also you won’t end up wasting your time and energy keeping secrets that could eventually ruin the relationship.
Tell her early
Let these women know as early as possible that you’re not looking to be exclusive. Telling her you are just looking to have fun and date around on the first date is going to have a drastically different effect than telling her this after six months of dating. Sharing your expectations as soon as possible will prevent a lot of drama down the road.
Now some guys might object to these points, thinking “no girl is going to be okay with this”. But that very attitude will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is why you must have the right attitude about the situation.
The right attitude
The fact that you want to date multiple women may be a deal breaker for some – but you’d be surprised how many girls are cool with it. And believe it or not your attitude about the situation will help determine whether or not she’s okay with it.
If you go into this thinking “I hope I can get away with this…” then she’s going to be wary about it. She’ll feel like you’re more interested in having lots of women than in spending quality time with her. If she has the impression that she’s nothing more than a number to you, she’s not going to stick around.
The attitude you want is: “this is who I am, this is what I want, take it or leave it”. Women respect a guy who knows who he is and goes after what he wants. That kind of confidence will only make you more attractive.
But more importantly, having the attitude that this arraignment is perfectly okay sets the tone for her. It gives her the chance to follow your lead and allows her to think that it’s no big deal.
You may find that some girls even embrace the fact that you’re seeing other women. She’ll welcome the challenge of beating out other girls in order to win your affection. Others simply won’t care. They’re just looking to have fun themselves, so won’t be concerned about what you do on your own time.
Dating a bunch of women at a time can be a great experience that benefits everybody involved. But in in order to do it you first have to be able to attract and connect with the women you meet. For guys eager to take their dating life to the next level now, check out a live AoC bootcamp in LA.
I'll start by saying this is NOT dating someone while you have a serious girlfriend. What I mean is going on dates with multiple women without appearing like you're just playing them or trying to only get laid. I somehow went from having zero romantic interests, to having 3 separate girls constantly asking me to go on a date all within the span of 2 weeks and I don't know how to handle it. I've gone out with one already and we planned a second date, but I'd still like to meet the other 2 to determine if there's the potential for anything serious. What's your guys' experience with just being upfront in situations like this? Because I realize this is obviously the best way to go about it
I was in the same situation. You don't mention the other women, and end it early with the ones who won't work. I was dating 3. It's expensive and time consuming, but don't waste their time. Like don't date all 3 for several months. Try to have one you want to commit to by about a month in. End it with the other two at that point. That's what I did, it's been great!
For anecdotal reference; I set up dates via hinge with two girls in a week. After
3 weeks, a third girl piqued my interest. After going on two dates with her I knew she and I had way more potential. So I ended things with the other two and have been happily dating the last one seriously for
DO NOT RECOMMEND. So stressful. Tried dating 3 at once and lost my mind a few weeks in. Scheduling, $$, worrying about them catching stronger feelings. nope nope nope.
$$? You paid for all the dates?
I LOL-ed at ‘lost your mind’. Not in a mean way. Just found it funny.
This! I was about to say my mental state could handle it, my bank account however is a different story.
Same here. There was one point in my life where I was seeing 4 different women on a semi-regular basis. They all generally hung out in the same places, and there were so many times that I narrowly missed one of them running into each other we were out together.
Everything was above board and they all knew it wasn't an exclusive thing, but still. That shit's a scheduling nightmare with a lot of potential for things to get uncomfortable.
I think there's two different way to think about this though. Were you trying turn all three of these women into some sort of a long term but not serious relationship? I could see that getting dicey.
However, I wouldve figured dating 3 girls is kind of natural for an attractive single man. To me it was kind of a part of the natural turnover, when I was single, at any one point I was dating 3-4 girls, sexually active with 2-3, with a near constant turnover of 2-4 week relationships. They could really best described as flings. Every once in a while you meet someone awesome though, and you want to see if it'll go somewhere, so you go exclusive.
Dude it's alot less complicated than you're making it. Date all three of them, don't tell them unless it comes up.
When it comes up, most of the time it's very natural, if it comes up then that probably means you're getting kind of serious with one of them and y'all are thinking of being exclusive anyway. Most of the time it's come up in my life we were both in the same place anyway, that being we really liked each other and wanted to see where it was going exclusively.
Rarely a girl is just a jealous nutjob and asks on the first date or something, in which case be honest but it's probably best to cut her loose anyway. I've never had that end well when I kept that dating these girls.
Realistically, most attractive women are probably dating, or at least "talking to", several different guys at one time so it's no different.
Dating over the last year has been hard, period. As bars and restaurants closed, singles flocked to parks to see if their dating app crush could be the one. In 2021 there are no dating rules and it’s usually the best policy to follow your gut but when should you stop dating multiple people? Dating two people at once can get really messy, especially when feelings are involved. I asked the experts for some advice.
Dating over the last year has been hard, period. As bars and restaurants closed, singles flocked to parks to see if their dating app crush could be the one. Aside from the added complications caused by coronavirus, there are other dating dilemmas to deal with. One that can be tricky to manage is when should you stop dating multiple people? I asked the experts for some advice.
It’s pretty normal to speak to a few people at one time if you’re single. Hell, you may even be organised enough to go on multiple first dates in one go. Whatever kind of relationship you’re looking for, apps have opened up endless possibilities and in the past year they have been one of the few ways to meet new people and make new connections. But if you’ve found someone during lockdown once you’ve found someone you like, when should you cut the others out?
Dating Multiple People: The Pros
Research reported by the BBC highlighted that singles had more to consider over the last year when it comes to meeting up with people and it’s changed people’s attitudes towards casual dating. Dating and relationships coach Annie Lavin also told the Irish Times that she’s witnessed many people skipping past those early stages of flirtation on dating multiple people and moving into relationship status very quickly. But online dating expert Benjamin Daly believes, so long as you’re being safe, it’s good to date around.
“It’s similar to finding a job – you’re putting yourself out there, seeing what’s available, until you eventually find someone or something worth committing to,” Daly tells me. For him, it’s all about efficiency: “The dating cycle from matching to chatting to the first date and even second date can take up to a month. If you realise by the second date that you’re not compatible, you’ve invested a lot of time and will have to start again. That isn’t an efficient use of time.”
Behavourial psychologist Jo Hemmings agrees that dating around is a good idea, but for a slightly different reason. "It’s using it as an opportunity to not only find someone who feels right for us, but also as a way of learning something about ourselves and our own wants and needs,” she explains.
Dating Multiple People: The Cons
However, not all experts are in agreement. Sex and relationship expert Gillian Myhill, for example, believes that, if you’re sharing your time out, "it can be difficult to know who is the right person." Myhill explains: "Speaking from my own experience, I would say that it certainly does slow the progression down."
It’s good to know all your options but the grass isn’t always greener. Just because you can date multiple people for a prolonged period of time doesn’t mean you should. Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist and Psycho-Sexologist Kate Moyle notes that communication breakdown can be a major issue. "Problems occur when one partner is under the impression you’re just dating each other and this is where the biggest amount of upset occurs. You need to make sure that you’re all on the same page,” she says.
Moyle also tells me there can be more than emotional problems to contend with when you’re being intimate with multiple people. She explains: “if you’re having sex with multiple partners then contraception that protects against STIs is essential as they can easily be transmitted between partners.”
When Is A Good Time To Become Exclusive?
If you’re ready to settle with one person, it’s no small matter of working out if they want the same thing. But Myhill says conversation is key. “As both partners become more serious about each other, this is typically around the three month mark, the conversation should be had – at that point both partners should agree to the type of relationship they are seeking from each other,” she tells me.
If you’ve dated someone for three months you usually know whether you’re into them, but as Moyle explains, issues can still arise. “There’s a trigger or fear of loss of a relationship which means that a partner will throw themselves into committing to it fully. Some relationships are open to having multiple partners and work well this way, but they work with organisation and rules," she says.
The reality is, while three months may be long enough to know you like someone, if it takes you a longer or shorter period of time to get there then that’s totally fine. There’s no set-in-stone rules in modern dating.
How To Ask A Partner To Be Exclusive
Once you’ve sorted things out with the other people you’re dating, it’s time to tell your SO. But going exclusive is a two way conversation – it only works if your partner feels the same. If they’re not quite ready to quit the dating game Moyle says, “you have to make a decision about whether this is acceptable for you or not. It’s about the rules and boundaries that you set between you.”
While dating in 2021 means doing things your way it also means there’s no cut and dry time to make things exclusive with someone. However, if you start to get the fear that being without them would suck then it’s probably time to have a conversation about your feelings.
And How To Let Other Partners Know It’s Over
While the very nature of seeing multiple people means there’s more people to check in with, ghosting is still not polite. You may have decided to see one or more people exclusively but that doesn’t mean that you should drop out of your other dates lives with no explanation. “We live in a world of online dating and most people out there have received ‘hey how are you’ messages from previous matches long after the time of completion. I think it’s important to update people,” says Myhill.
“Be polite and respectful when ending it with others,” adds Daly, “if you haven’t made any commitments [. ] you’ve done nothing wrong calling off.”
Every guy’s dream is to date a lot of girls at one time. In fact, a lot of men’s fantasies is to simply have sex with more than one woman at once.
A lot of men think this is almost impossible to do, but it’s not. In fact, it’s actually straight forward.
Now, I’m not talking about manipulation and lying to a girl. That isn’t right. Unless you like the sort of drama that comes when you lie to a girl, then I highly suggest you don’t do this. A lot of pain will come with the pleasure, I can guarantee it.
Be Honest, Don’t Lie
So you’ve got to be upfront about your intentions. I suggest that when you start dating a girl, you say something alone the lines of this:
“You’re a great girl and I’d love to continue dating you right now, but I’m not looking for anything exclusive at this point. If you want to try dating other dudes while you’re with me as well, I’m totally cool with that.”
Now, one of two things will happen. The first scenario is that this chick will totally dig you for saying it, and will try and win you over.
This is when you know you’re in the clear. This is awesome if you want to date multiple women at once.
Or situation two:
She’ll get completely turned off by the notion of you dating other women while you’re with her. She’ll either just completely ignore you and scram or she’ll just want to just be friends.
I’m going to assume that this chick will be okay with you dating other girls for now (after all, you two just met, right?). So go ahead and date other women while you see this girl. However, don’t rub it in your face that you’re going out to meet other girls.
Better To Keep Quiet Unless She Asks
Unless she asks you specifically, don’t even mention the other girls yet. For all you know, she’s dating other guys too, so don’t worry about it.
Also, it helps if you make sure that both of these girls are from two completely different social circles. In fact, you don’t want them talking to each other. This is completely horrible and bad… and you don’t need to be a human geneticist to realize this.
Thirdly, you’re going to want to use the same jokes, buy them the same presents, and do everything the same. You’ll want to minimize the risk of you getting caught.
Don’t mess this up. So if you decide to buy a gift for one girl, buy the same one for the other girl too. You’ll thank me later for this.
Plan, Plan Plan!
Fourth, keep your plans hidden. Don’t tell her or show her your schedule. That #$* is private information! You’ll also want to keep tabs on your weekly plans. Stay on top of that stuff! You don’t want to double book.
Make sure that when you plan your outings with your respective lady friends, you don’t want to go to the exact same place over and over. Switch it up. That way, you’ll reduce the risk of a mutual friend seeing you with a bunch of different girls! Not good!
Finally, you will inevitably meet a girl that I call a Backstopper. These girls will confront you about your relationship with her and ask you about the “other girls” that you’re dating.
Be truthful with what you’re doing. If you’re not interested in being exclusive with her, then gracefully let her go.
Don’t push your luck, sir. You’ve already been lucky enough to date multiple women at once already!
Derek Lamont, BSc, is an experienced dating coach and veteran pickup artist. In addition to helping men around the world attract women, he’s also the author of an award-winning seduction system. Through his best-selling Online Pickup Secrets program, Derek has helped thousands of men from around the world use online dating and social media websites to find love and live “happily ever after”.
Dating multiple people, or having an alternative relationship, sounds like a great option if you have feelings for more than one person. But there are important things to consider, like brushing up on what’s important in a relationship and how to deal with the green-eyed monster, jealousy. The most important thing is to be open and honest with the people involved.
This can help if:
- you have feelings for more than one person
- you’re thinking about an open relationship
- you want to know more about open relationships.
Do you have feelings for more than one person?
It’s not uncommon to be attracted to more than one person at the same time. But whether or not you act on those feelings won’t only affect you. If you want to date more than one person, make sure that everyone involved understands this and is okay with it. Also, be sure beforehand that you can handle it. Think about whether you’re ready for the difficult emotions and situations that come with dating multiple people.
Is it cool to date more than one person at a time?
If you’re dating someone, and you haven’t talked about the rules of engagement (including how exclusive you will be), don’t assume that they’ll be okay with you dating someone else at the same time. Many people won’t like it. Not knowing whether it’s okay with your partner, or hiding what you’re up to, is a recipe for emotional disaster for everyone involved.
Here are some ideas for when you first start dating someone, but you’re not sure you’re ready for an exclusive relationship:
- Talk with the person about what your expectations are, and what is or isn’t okay for both of you.
- Agree on what you want your relationship to involve.
- Check in with each other if your feelings change, or if something new comes up, so that you can know for sure you’re both still cool with what you’re doing.
Even if your partner is okay with you dating other people, really think about whether you are cool with it. You shouldn’t date more than one person at a time if you’re:
- likely to feel jealous
- insecure about how your partner feels about you
- unable to deal with difficult emotions
- unable to cope with stress and unhappiness.
Things to consider if you have an open relationship
Our actions affect others
Think about how your actions or choices – particularly your sexual choices – will affect your partner and the other person involved. Will they hurt or embarrass them, or create any sort of emotional conflict? It’s important to protect your partner’s and your own emotional health and wellbeing before anything else.
Always be respectful of others’ feelings and choices
If you’re not sure of how someone feels about you, ask them. Never make assumptions. If someone loves you, then they will want for you to be happy. But you can’t force someone to accept, and be happy about, something they really don’t like.
Don’t do anything you aren’t sure that both of you are okay with. If you or your partner don’t feel safe or happy, be open and honest about it, and work with them to resolve the problem.
Learn to recognise and deal with jealousy
The word ‘jealousy’ describes a mixed bag of horrible feelings, including:
- feeling insecure, or fearful that you’ll be abandoned
- feeling left out, or that you’re not good enough
- worrying that someone doesn’t love you or isn’t attracted to you.
Usually this feels so bad, we’ll do anything we can to avoid it. One way we do this is by blaming others and their actions for how we are feeling.
However, rather than blaming your partner or letting them blame you, recognise that jealousy is a sign that you need to talk with them about what’s happening. It might feel dumb to talk about your emotions, but you’ll both feel happier after you’ve done so, and you’ll have a better idea of what your real feelings are. Most importantly, jealousy is never an excuse for anyone to be mean, hurtful or abusive.
If your partner’s actions are causing you to be unhappy, and you’ve exhausted all other options (talking openly and honestly with them, and seeking help), then you should end the relationship. Dating is supposed to be enjoyable.
What can I do now?
- Be up-front and honest.
- Don’t assume you know how people feel.
- Find out more about consent.
Explore other topics
It’s not always easy to find the right place to start. Our ‘What’s on your mind?’ tool can help you explore what’s right for you.
On TikTok, New York City has been flooded with warnings about a man named Caleb after it was found that he had been dating several women simultaneously.
The man has been accused of dating multiple women and later ‘ghosted’ them. Ghosting is Internet slang for ending a relationship and stopping all communication without an explanation.
The man is also called “West Elm Caleb”.
According to The Independent, the West Elm Caleb saga began last Tuesday when TikTok user Mimi Shou posted a video in which she spoke about being ghosted by a man named Caleb. She soon noticed that several women in the comments section asked if she was talking about “West Elm Caleb”.
Turns out, she wasn’t. Mimi Shou was actually ghosted by another man named Caleb (talk about coincidence!). However, she decided to look into “West Elm Caleb” to see if he was dating multiple women at once. After finding out that several women had spoken about matching with Caleb on the dating app Hinge before being dumped by him, she posted a video warning women to stay away from him. Meanwhile, another TikTok user, Kate Glavan, started getting tagged in Ms Shou’s video.
In the event you’ve somehow avoided West Elm Caleb TikTok, this is a good starting point: pic.twitter.com/SUiE22nA2w
— Jenna Amatulli (@ohheyjenna) January 19, 2022
“I never would’ve known the guy I was seeing was West Elm Caleb without TikTok,” Ms Glavan said. She also shared a video in which she posted messages she had received from other women warning her about the serial dater.
I don’t think I’ve seen anything unite as many 20-something women in nyc like the exposing of West Elm Caleb. the chokehold he has on my TikTok timeline right now is wiiiiild pic.twitter.com/A92k44wmpY
— Jenna Amatulli (@ohheyjenna) January 19, 2022
It was also found how another woman, named Kelly, was with Caleb on Saturday morning – hours before he went on a date with Kate Glavan.
Kelly, who goes by the username @kellsbellsbaby on TikTok, said that she met Caleb on Hinge. According to Today, she said he “randomly stopped texting” her after dating her for six weeks.
The hashtag #WestElmCaleb, meanwhile, gained popularity as more and more women spoke about dating him. According to E! News, by Wednesday, videos tagged with #WestElmCaleb had been watched more than 5.4 million times on the video sharing platform.
You have the opportunity to meet new people with every swipe on dating apps. And with a seemingly endless supply of potential partners, more people are dating multiple people at once. But is this the dating strategy that you should take? When it comes to dating, it’s important to understand whether seeing multiple people is right for you or not. Whatever method you choose, remaining optimistic and open-minded to all possibilities throughout your dating journey can make the experience fun and productive. Whatever your dating choice, be sure to choose the right path for yourself.
Dating multiple people certainly has its appeal, as there are many benefits to taking this kind of approach. According to behavioral health specialist Cessel Boyd, “The ability to explore your options is one of the largest benefits associated with dating multiple people. The dynamic of each relationship will be inherently different; in many cases, this allows for people to have fun, learn more about themselves, and discover what they do and don’t want in relationships.”
Read on to discover the various advantages and disadvantages of keeping your options open.
Pros of Dating Multiple People
Expanding Your Dating Network
One of the benefits of dating multiple people is opening yourself up to meeting more potential romantic partners. This approach enables you to make the best use of your time by meeting various people in a shorter period of time. Since dating is a numbers game, going out with multiple people in a given timeframe can help you find someone of interest sooner since you’re not limiting yourself. Internationally-recognized relationship expert and bestselling author Susan Winter says, “Each time you go out with someone new, you’re automatically racking up information on your preferences. And dating by the numbers makes you more comfortable with the ‘meet and greet’ process.”
Keeping Dating Light and Fun
If you’re someone who isn’t looking for a serious relationship, then dating multiple people at once can help prevent things from getting too serious. A recent report based on a national, random sampling of nearly 5,000 adults in the U.S. from the Pew Research Center showed that 50 percent of single people are not interested in a committed romantic relationship. Further, if you’re someone who tends to fall hard and fast for someone, then dating multiple people at once can help prevent you from falling into this dating trap and prematurely devoting yourself to someone before you have talked about being exclusive.
Dating at Your Own Pace
Dating multiple people enables you to date on your terms. For instance, you get to decide how many people you want to see in a given week and how active you are on a dating app. If you’re recently single and looking to date again, then dating multiple people at once can help you see who’s out there while remaining comfortable at your own pace. Frederic Neuman, M.D., says, “In order for dating to be successful, it has to proceed through stages. No one has given a label to these different stages. We think of the whole business as more or less continuous. Still, certain things have to happen at different times. There is a natural pace to a dating relationship. That pace is determined by cultural factors. What happens when is determined by what is expected from couples at the particular time and place in which they live.”
Cons of Dating Multiple People
Preventing Yourself From Connecting With Someone on a Deeper Level
If you're wondering if you should date multiple people at once, it's important to understand that this dating method may end up preventing you from finding the relationship you're seeking. If you're dating various people, this may keep you from opening up and really getting to know someone on a deeper level because you're not fully giving your all to this person. Specifically, if you're unable to give your time to a potential partner and don't put much energy into cultivating a relationship with them, then you may end up sabotaging any future relationship because you're not establishing the necessary foundation on which your connection can develop.
Loren Soeiro PH.D. ABPP says, “The apps connect their users to an apparently bottomless list of dating possibilities, making it seem as though there is always someone better for you than the person you’re dating, or even just meeting, right now.” Thus, you are less likely to want to truly connect with the person in front of you because you feel like the next best thing is always around the corner. Accordingly, Soerio adds that “With such a preponderance of options, maybe it doesn’t seem worth it to treat any one person as a real priority. A scientist at the Kinsey Institute once even described internet dating as the second most significant event in the evolution of human reproduction in human history.”
Turning off Potential Partners
Importantly, if you’re dating more than one person at a time, you may end up causing a budding relationship to end because the person you’re with may want exclusivity. For instance, if you’re dating multiple people, a person you may really like may choose to cut your relationship short because they want your undivided attention and don’t like that you’re playing the field while the two of you are trying to build a connection. Scott M. Stanley PH.D. explains, “In some couples, one partner is substantially more committed than the other. We call these Asymmetrically Committed Relationships (ACRs). No one who is looking for lasting love wants to find themselves in an ACR, but we suspect it has become increasingly easy to land in one.”
Experiencing Dating Burnout
Rather than being a fun way to meet new people, dating more than one person at a time can start to feel like a chore or even a second job. If you're trying to meet as many people as you can, this kind of dating overload can actually cause you to want to give up on dating altogether, especially if the people you're dating don't turn out to be of interest to you. Dating a large number of people at one time can cause you to believe that dating leads to disappointment because you're putting a lot of time and effort into meeting someone special and getting nothing in return.
Caitlin Cantor LCSW, CST, CGT says, “If you’re using dating apps in hopes of finding a lasting relationship, the never-ending flow of new matches and the speed at which you can connect with them can be overwhelming. If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing dating burnout. When you have dating burnout, you become less emotionally available. You go on countless dates, but you don’t feel much for any of them. You wonder if it’s the people you’re meeting, or if you’re no longer capable of having feelings at all. Your self-worth is shaky, and you feel hopeless, sad, and helpless. Dating feels more like a chore than an exciting opportunity.” Practice being patient to achieve your goal.
The Dating Takeaway
After weighing the different pros and cons of dating multiple people at once, it's up to you to decide how you'd like to approach dating altogether. When it comes to putting yourself out there and finding that special someone, you should always listen to your gut—and your heart.
How To Be A Player: The Fast Track To Attracting Multiple Women
Dating is one of the hardest things in the world. You have to put yourself out there, and tolerate rejection.
You experience successes along the way, sure, but generally, dating successfully yields a lot of failure. However, being a player is a totally separate way to go about your social life.
Let’s be honest, being a player can get you into trouble if you do it with the wrong women.
However, this isn’t an article about whether or not you should be a player—that’s up to you. This is an article on how to be a player. Whether or not you want to follow through, is up to you.
Knowing how to pick up women is the first step. If you can’t confidently go into a bar, coffee shop or mall and pick up one girl, you can’t expect to juggle three or four at a time.
If you haven’t mastered cold-approach pick up yet, stop reading and sharpen those skills.
If you think you’ve mastered the art of cold-approach pick-up, read on. However, I can’t stress enough; you must be prepared for the consequences of hooking up with, or dating multiple women at a time.
How To Get A Woman To Like You: Why It’s Not Important For Being A Player
Being a player means being a little closed off emotionally. In fact, the less emotional connection you have with a woman the better in this scenario. It reduces the risk of her getting the wrong idea.
The last thing you want is a woman thinking you’re in an exclusive relationship when you’re being a player.
Try to keep things casual if possible. The more of an emotional connection you create, the bigger the risk is for a dramatic situation.
Experienced players know how to avoid topics like relationships, while still keeping women interested in them. The bottom line is this: if the sex is good, she will stick around.
As a guy you may not realize it, but it’s almost impossible for girls to find a guy who knows how to please them sexually. If you can do that and avoid any talk of a relationship, you’ll have a girl who sticks around for sure. Getting her to like you on a personal level isn’t as important, because most of these arrangements are short lived.
As a player, you want to keep a woman interested but for the right reasons. You want her to look to you for fun, and not necessarily emotional investment.
If you can do this, you can have three or four women in your life and they may not even care that you’ve created this level of abundance for yourself.
How To Meet Women: The First Step In Becoming A Player
As the old saying goes, you have to walk before you can crawl, and the same rule applies to dating.
If you can’t confidently walk into any social situation and leave with at least a phone number, your dreams of becoming a player might have to take a back seat for a while.
Before you continue imagining yourself with dozens of women around you, see if you can do the following things confidently, and consistently:
- Get women attracted to you
- Socialize on a regular basis
- Please women sexually
- Tolerate rejection
Not every woman is going to be attracted to you, so it’s especially important that you learn to tolerate rejection. You should also make it a point to network, and socialize as much as possible.
This will keep your social skills sharp, so you can always be ready to pick up women.
Opportunities present themselves at every corner, so being socially ready is a must. You have to always be ready to flirt or even get laid, if you get especially lucky when you least expect it.
Becoming a player, believe it or not, is hard work, and if you want to do it, you’ll have to sacrifice some other things.
How To Get Laid As A Player
Contrary to what you may think, getting laid as a player involves keeping that side of your personality quiet. A girl will sleep with you if she thinks it’s worth her time and her effort.
Remember, women get hit on constantly, so you have to find a way to stand out without seeming like a player.
That being said, some women find a man who sleeps with a lot of women attractive. They won’t admit it, but here’s a dose of reality. If you want to get good at sex, you have to do it a lot.
Women know this better than anyone, but don’t want to feel like they’re sleeping with someone who gets around too much.
In the beginning you should treat every interaction more or less the same. You’re using it as an opportunity for a girl to get to know you as a man. This is all it really is.
As a refresher, a first encounter with a woman should meet the following criteria:
- It should be fun
- It should be paced appropriately
- It shouldn’t be stressful for either party
- You should find a way to stand out
If you can meet these criteria with multiple women at a time, you’ll have no problem getting two, three, four or even five women attracted to you in no time.
The first phase is the same, no matter what your end game is.
How To Spot A Player: Learning By Example
When you get into game, you’ll find that there’s always something to be learned by watching someone else who’s been doing it longer.
Being able to spot a guy, or identify someone who has multiple women around him at all times, can drastically improve your game.
A player is usually the kind of guy that doesn’t show off about the amount of women he’s sleeping with, or brag about how often he does. He’s happy to dole out advice, but doesn’t do so unless he’s asked.
He’s confident, self-assured, and doesn’t have to do all that much work to get women interested in him. If you can spot a guy like this, try and befriend him.
Spend some time around him, and try to learn through his example. Navigating the dating scene can be rough, but if you have a mentor it’s a little easier.
Just Flirt. A Lot.
Being a flirtatious person is the icing on the cake. You have to learn to flirt in such a way that you don’t even realize you’re doing it.
After a while, you won’t even realize that you’re seducing a woman or making her attracted. It’ll just happen.
Like most aspects of game, you want to get to a point where things just happen. You don’t want to be doing too much because that ends up looking needy, or desperate.
When you internalize game, and make it a part of your personality, you don’t have to try.
By making it a point to flirt a lot, you get yourself in the headspace you need to be in to flirt effectively in any situation.
If you can flirt with multiple women a day, you’ll end up attracting more. As long as you’re not a creep, that’s just basic probability.
As I said in the beginning of this article, being a player is a risky aspiration, and isn’t going to happen overnight.
Know the potential consequences, and be patient. If being a player is something you want, eventually you’ll get there.