How to get closure

How to get closure

Do you know how it feels when your relationship ends without a proper closure? It is like dying with an unfinished business. Your soul has no peace. What about being left behind without the chance to ask why or say goodbye? It is like being a kitten left along the street to get lost.

Self-pity, bitterness, and anger are among the main emotions evoked in this kind of ending. Asking yourself if you are that easy to dump is a natural reaction too. Do not let them destroy your self-image.

Here are 14 ways that can help you let go and move on from an unclosed relationship that has clearly ended.

1. Demand for closure.
You were the other half of that relationship. Therefore, you have the right to demand for an explanation for its sudden ending. Try talking your ex into settling issues in a civil way. Assure him/her you will not insist on getting back together. All you need is to understand things and little respect.

2. Stop reaching out if there is no response.
If in spite of your effort to reach out your ex ignores or even avoids you, then stop. Leave a little pride for yourself. Stop running after the person, because it only makes you look pathetic. You have already done your part.

3. Give yourself some space.
At this point, everything seems confusing. There are questions unanswered, and you are torn between hoping and hating. Have a break. Take a vacation and do a self-retreat. For sure, you cannot avoid crying and pondering about what happened, but at least try to relax and quiet your mind.

4. Avoid too much thinking.
Do not overthink the situation. It will stress you out. Look for some things to keep your mind busy. Concentrate on your work or other activities. Find a new hobby or rediscover an old one. Distract yourself from depressing thoughts.

5. Be open to the possibility of reconciliation.
Since your relationship has ended without a formal closure, you can consider the possibility that your ex is just confused at the moment. S/he just probably needs space. Do not close doors yet as there could be a second chance for the two of you.

6. Do not hope too much.
Nevertheless, do not be too hopeful about getting back together. Unless it happens, there is no guarantee of it. Yes, it is good to leave some hope in your heart, but too much expectation may only lead to disappointment.

How to get closurePhoto by dima_goroziya

7. Decide to let go.
Letting go means struggling no more and allowing yourself to go with the flow. Just be open to possibilities and be ready for them. S/he may come back or not. Your relationship may have a second chance or not. You cannot control your ex’s heart. Just let loose and wait for the circumstances to make things happen.

8. Do not take all the blame.
The worst thing about breakups without closure is that those who are left behind think something is wrong with them, so they are easy to throw away. Please be easy on yourself. You may not be a perfect partner and you have flaws, but still it was not right for your ex to take you for granted. Do not think it was all your fault. S/he had a part in this mess.

9. Know you deserve to be respected and treated better.
In connection to number 8, you have to see your worth as a person despite your imperfections. One reason that should motivate you to move on is your right to be respected as an individual, which your ex did not honor. You deserve a partner who will treat you better.

10. Do not let it hinder you from living a productive life.
Your world should not stop revolving just because you have been left with no goodbyes. Do not wait for closure before you decide to live a normal life again. Instead of waiting for his/her calls, concentrate on being productive.

11. Forgive even if there are no apologies.
Do not wait to receive apologies before you forgive your ex. What if s/he does not come back to say sorry? Would you forever hold on to your grudge and bear its weight? You can never totally move on. You cannot truly be happy. Therefore, decide to forgive him/her for your own sake.

12. Allow yourself to explore.
The closure you long for might never come. Waiting for it for a long time could make you waste opportunities to be happy and find love again. You have the right to love and be loved, so open yourself to other people. Meet new friends, and allow yourself to date. Who knows you could be meeting the one really for you.

13. Wish him/her the best despite what happened.
You know you have moved on if you can already hope for good things for the person who hurt you. Part of forgiving your ex is praying s/he finally finds true happiness as you find yours.

How to get closurePhoto by IniRiske

14. Pray for a chance for closure in the future.
I remember having a big fight with a person in my past, and we separated ways without the chance to settle the issue. Soon, I was finally able to forgive him, but it was not enough for I knew I had to apologize. I did not know how to do it, because we lost contact, so all I could do was pray for that chance. After two years, we bumped into each other in the mall. We only had less than a minute to shake hands and say sorry because of the busy Christmas season—but it was all that it took to completely remove the burden from my heart.

Prayer works. Pray for that closure to come your way at the right time.

It is hard to let go of a relationship without closure. However, it is harder to hold on to a love that may be long dead already. Set yourself free from uncertainties. If that love is meant for you, someday it will come back. If it is not, then something better is on its way.

Closure isn’t always what you think it is.

How to get closure

Many of my clients feel stuck because they don’t have closure. They can’t move on. They can’t be present in new relationships. They dwell and wish they could go back in time and make different choices. They hold on to what was with two hands and by doing so, they are not able to move on with their lives.

I ask them what they need to get closure and it’s always something from their ex. An apology. An explanation. Ownership. Things they have no control over.

So they wait and want. And most of the time, never get. So things are never closed and they don’t allow themselves to move on. This keeps them stuck. Angry. Resentful. But more importantly, not present, which means they are loving with their past and not giving their new relationship a fair shot.

Here’s the truth. Closure doesn’t involve anyone else but you.

After my divorce, I didn’t feel like I had closure. I needed an explanation. I needed answers. I needed her to understand. I needed to apologize. I needed her to apologize. I needed her to not hate me. All things that never came. And because of this, I felt stuck. I felt like I couldn’t move on. It consumed me. I thought about it constantly.

Nearly a decade later, I finally got an in-person meeting with her. Something I’ve always wanted. I thought, “Now I can finally get closure.” Not quite.

We didn’t talk about the past. At all. All the things I wanted to get off my chest so I can have “closure” stayed locked inside. The conversation just didn’t go that way. I felt like she had two hands on the conversation wheel and just decided to ride shotgun. I didn’t want to make things worse.

So it turned into a casual hang, like when you meet up with an old friend you drifted from and ask how their parents are doing. Lots of small talk. Forgettable things. All I remember was telling her I had to put my “hair away” — I was rocking a man bun at the time. Then coming back from the restroom, grilling some Korean barbeque, taking a sake shot, and exchanging a platonic, heartfelt I’ll never see you again so have a nice life hug.

A week later, I wanted another meeting. She drew a hard line. We exchanged some emails and I learned that she still had a lot of feelings about what happened. I don’t think things were closed for her either. I don’t know. But I respected her boundary.

We haven’t talked since. And probably never will.

So how do I find closure?

This is about the point when people book a session with me and ask me that exact same question.

Here’s the answer and something I must remind myself of as well.

Closure is an inner-self journey. It doesn’t require the other person. It requires you to find peace on your own. And the way you do that is on you. It’s not contingent on someone else giving you something. And like any journey, it’s not a straight line. It’s wild and messy. Up and down and sideways and not a one-size-fits-all.

First, you have to reframe. You are not “closing” something. Because the truth is, things may never be closed. The word closed feels very cut and dry, black and white. But nothing about relationships, including expired ones, are that binary. They are multilayered and complicated. There are a lot of gray and feelings that may not make sense. You may think you have healed and moved on and out of nowhere feelings come back up. That’s just how we are as humans. It doesn’t mean you’re going to go back to your ex but feelings and memories are never really “closed.” They come and go like the tide. But eventually, fewer new feelings and memories are created.

So instead of desperately trying to put everything into a box and closing it , tell yourself you need to heal.

Wanting to heal is very different than wanting to close. Healing brings it back to you. Closing seeks something from someone else. Healing takes the pressure off and allows patience with the self.

Okay, so how do you heal?

1. Healthy boundaries.

If you keep peeling scabs, the wound will never heal. No check-ins and coffee dates with the hope of a second round. No FaceTime, no texts, no drive-bys, and no more following on social media. Healthy boundaries means cutting the cord. Completely.

Okay, now that I said that. I also want to say every situation is different. If you have both been drifting for a long time and breaking up just made it official on paper, maybe you guys can hang once in a while. Maybe you can check-in and follow each other on social. Maybe you won’t sink into yesterday and what happened. Maybe there is peace. Well, if that’s the case, you guys already have some form of closure. So you have to decide what healthy boundaries look like.

Or what if you guys are raising a child together? There may not be coffee dates but you have to engage with each other. There’s no way around that. Sure, but boundaries are still imperative. You have to decide, what is healthy for you? Not what you want. Or what he wants. What’s the most healthy for all of you guys, including your child?

Healthy boundaries also include mental and emotional ones. Not just physical. Stop thinking about him and what happened. Stop playing back movie trailer best-of moments that trigger more and more emotion every time you play them back. Stop dwelling on things and what could have been. This is the harder boundary to draw. Because we’re in our heads constantly. It’s not just a decision. Drowning in our thoughts is a virus with a daily outbreak.

2. Get a life.

You may already have one. But chances are that life revolved around your relationship. It’s time to put all your energy back into you. “What does that even look like?” you may be asking, since many of us haven’t done that in a very long time. Or ever.

Well, it’s time to ask yourself what that looks like. But more importantly, what action steps are you going to put behind building a better life? Otherwise, you’ll just be thinking about it. Get out of your head and go get a life. Do everything you’ve wanted to do but didn’t have time for. Or were afraid to. Write a book. Learn to paint. Dance again. Start a business. Go somewhere alone. Fail at something.

Remember, the more you work on your life, the more you’ll bring to the table in your next relationship. If you don’t, your inability to create a meaningful life for yourself will be what ruins it.

3. Love back bigger.

This doesn’t mean to initiate round two. This doesn’t mean to engage again. By bigger, I mean love beyond everything that has happened. Love beyond what he did to you. Beyond your ego, your pain, and your anger. Why? It will help you let go, heal, and move on. If you can see him as a person, struggling and going through his own journey like everyone else, that he is just human, and like every human, does things that don’t make sense, and that he has a story like you do, it will be easier for you to accept. To no longer blame. Hold. Hate. Or want.

4. Repeat.

Because healing isn’t a one-time thing. It takes time. The repetition of all of the above plus time is what will get you to heal your heart and move on with your life.

Be patient with yourself. Know that it’s a process. And maybe one day, when you’ve gone on your rebirth journey and have built an amazing life, one that you’re proud of because you worked your ass off for it and became a different person on the way, you will look back and see how the break up was the catalyst for it all.

These actions can help you move into your future.

The ending of a significant piece of one’s life — a relationship, job, stage of life, or way of thinking — may be difficult and even painful for many of us. Something that you once counted on as very important to your life is over and done.

Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was. Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what’s finished to something new. In other words, closure describes the ability to go beyond imposed limitations in order to find different possibilities.

So how do we do it? What are the essential ways to find closure from the past?

1. Take full responsibility for yourself.
It’s ultimately up to you to take the necessary actions to help move you forward. Have conversations with yourself, both asking and answering your own questions in a form of a “self-dialogue.”

  • What or whom are you holding onto? Why?
  • Does holding on truly make you happy, or are you hanging on to a situation the way it once was, or the way you wished it had been, instead of how it actually turned out?
  • Are you using this “holding on” as an excuse to stay stuck and unresolved? In other words, is dwelling in the past taking you away from moving toward your future?
  • Are you trying to avoid dealing with loss and the void that loss creates?
  • If you’re willing to let go, what does that really mean? What will you have to do?
  • Are you afraid of not knowing what the outcome will be?
  • Ultimately, what do you believe will happen to you if you let go?

Being as honest as you can be will pay off in the long run. The pain, hurt, anger, and disappointment will diminish once you’ve cleared the way to a better, more realistic understanding of the situation.

2. Grieve the loss.
Take plenty of time to do this. There is no set amount of time and no prescribed way; it’s totally up to each person to find that for themselves. Don’t let anyone tell you to “just get over it.” However, grieving should not go on for years. That’s just being stuck, still heavily invested in the past.

Prolonged or incomplete grief may contribute to making poor choices in the future. The ability to trust, to be honest, and to be yourself is essential for a new, healthier relationship or situation to present itself to you. “Unfinished business” must be completed and resolved before you move on.

3. Gather your strengths.

  • Focus on the positives. Make a list of your talents, gifts, and assets.
  • Surround yourself with people who know you well, encourage and support you.
  • Shift the emphasis to what you need, what makes you happy. Don’t worry about pleasing others.
  • Assess where you can make positive change in your life.
  • Define and affirm what you’re able to do something about now.

4. Make a plan for the immediate future.
Determine what’s most important for you moving forward. If necessary, reorder your priorities to allow you to explore different possibilities and opportunities that may present themselves to you. Try some of these on for size. It doesn’t matter if they don’t work out, just that you tried. The important thing is to take action in order to make things happen. If you can’t find a path, make one!

5. Create a ritual.
Believe it or not, performing a ritual is a powerful tool to help gain closure. Beyond thinking and talking, and thinking and talking some more, ritual is driven by intention and action. A “symbolic enactment” allows you to utilize your creativity and intuition in order to bypass the intellectual, logical part of your brain.

For example, when a relationship is over, what do you do with all of the meaningful items and objects, such as letters, pictures, etc., that were part of the relationship? A “fire ceremony” is a way to consume the past, but any number of rituals that you personally create can provide symbolic finality and closure.

Finding closure allows you to move into your future, unencumbered and optimistic. And hopefully, you’ll find that when all is said and done, you will have learned something valuable from all of the significant events and people in your life — even if they didn’t work out the way you thought they would.

How to get closure

Getting closure after divorce will almost inevitably take longer than expected, but there are steps you can take that will get you a little closer.

Below, experts share their best advice for moving on.

1. Recognize that there’s no time table for moving on.

There is no “right” time for closure. If you try to rush the process, you may end up short-changing yourself, said Triffany Hammond, a life coach based in the greater Denver area.

“Healing happens in layers, which means there’s no deadline by which you ‘should have’ healed,” she told HuffPost. “Go easy on yourself; piling on guilt and self-loathing slows down the healing process, making it harder to put your divorce behind you.”

2. Give yourself permission to feel sad.

It’s important to cycle through all of your emotions: sadness, disappointment, guilt, total rage — but only up to a point. The goal should be to process and release those emotions, not dwell on them in an unhealthy way, said Chelli Pumphrey, a counselor based in Denver, Colorado.

“Cry. Get angry. Feel the loneliness,” she said. “Be present with your pain so that you can eventually release it. Ignoring emotion gives fuel to your pain and deepens the wounds over time.”

3. Forgive your ex.

Extend forgiveness to your ex not for their sake, but for your own.

“You probably need to forgive your partner for not living up to who you wanted them to be, among other indiscretions,” said Alicia H. Clark, a psychologist based in Washington, D.C. “What’s even more difficult is forgiving yourself for your mistakes. Self-forgiveness helps you get to the bottom of why your relationship failed and prepares you for your next relationship.”

4. Accept that you may never get an apology from your ex.

On the other hand, you may never receive the apologize you need from your ex, said Vikki Stark, a psychotherapist and the director of the Sedona Counselling Center of Montreal.

“Many people get stuck psychologically longing for an indication that their ex recognizes the pain they caused,” she said. “You may need to accept that your ex has moved on and will never make that acknowledgement.”

5. If you have children, envision your future relationship with them.

If you have kids, tell yourself you’re picking up the pieces and coming out stronger post-split to be a better parent to them. To start, ask yourself a simple question: When my kids look at me, do they see someone who can’t put their bitterness behind them or someone who’s standing strong on their own?

“If you can’t let go, you’re compromising your well-being and your children’s well-being,” said Elisabeth J. LaMotte, a psychotherapist and founder of the DC Counseling and Psychotherapy Center. “If you harp on the past and cling to a relationship that has ended, your children will pick up on it and it will cause them unnecessary stress and pain.”

6. Grieve the end of your marriage.

We have rituals and ceremonies for most big life events (funerals, weddings, baptisms) but not for divorce: Give your marriage a symbolic send-off, whether you get friends together for a lighthearted divorce party or settle on something more somber, Pumphrey suggested.

“You need to give yourself a clear message that you’re saying goodbye,” she said.

7. Ditch the marriage highlight reel.

While you don’t want to deny the memories you share as a couple, dwelling exclusively on the good times (and forgetting the negative moments) is sure to slow down the healing process, said Clark.

“Recognize these thoughts for what they are: rooted more in fantasy than reality,” she said. “Instead of fighting to accept today’s realities, embrace them along with the possibilities of a tomorrow that is now more in your control than ever before.”

8. Don’t let obsessive thoughts about divorce clutter your mind.

Sure, it’s a tall order, but try to shift your thoughts elsewhere whenever you start to replay scenes from your divorce, Stark said.

“When you hear yourself going over and over the injustices of your divorce, you need to say to yourself, loud and clear, ‘Stop it!'” Stark said. “Your focus needs to be your own life now — focus on developing that.”

9. Write your own happy ending.

Divorce is ultimately a chance to redefine who you are, Pumphrey said: You’ve been given the opportunity to write your own life narrative, a la Cheryl Strayed and her Wild journey or Elizabeth Gilbert and her Eat Pray Love trip.

“Instead of being angry at your spouse, which only leaves you feeling disempowered, try to find the silver lining in the experience of divorce and reframe your story,” she said.

How to get closure

Whether you’re the one who got dumped or you’re the one who called it quits — mutual or not — getting over a breakup and moving on isn’t the easiest. Especially when things seem so abrupt, when it’s all said and done, the end of a relationship can leave you hanging in a not-so-comfortable limbo. It’s much of the same way with any big transition in your life. Closing the chapter to something you’ve grown so familiar with and to which you’ve become so connected takes more than just acknowledging that it’s over. Sure, you know you’re done, but it may be hard to feel like it’s done. Something’s missing and incomplete in the picture. The parting gift just doesn’t look right and ready without that final ribbon snugly tied on, you know?

If you’re following my metaphoric flow here, that pretty little ribbon we may be looking for is just a little bit of closure. How poetic, right? Closure means finality, and letting go of something that once was, psychiatrist Abigail Brenner, M.D explained to Psychology Today. And that’s the key — coming to terms and letting go. But as much as we may want to just move the heck on already, it’s hard to know where to even start resolving anything for that closure we need. Here are seven healthy ways that can help.

1. Acknowledge & Embrace

I’m not saying you have to literally call up your ex and hug it out, though you totally can if that’s your thing. But you have to embrace it all for what it is. Acknowledgement that it’s over and done with is necessary, but useless without truly accepting it. Brenner described the process of closure beautifully, “Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what’s finished to something new. In other words, closure describes the ability to go beyond imposed limitations in order to find different possibilities.”

And of course, during the delicate time of a fresh breakup, you’ll have your doubts, fears, second guesses, and hopes inevitably pop up and make it difficult to firmly close that door. But no one said it was going to be easy.

2. Grieve

You need to feel the feels to get to that healthy place of finalized acceptance. As Joshua Duvauchelle wrote for Livestrong, gloss is for lips, not past experiences. Though it can be tempting to gloss over the pain and lessen it through distractions, minimizing it all for the short term doesn’t allow you to properly heal during the long term. You need to be able to give yourself the freedom to feel the full extent of your emotional spectrum and avoid falling into the trap of denial. Because until you’ve felt it all out, you won’t be able to get to that next step.

Think about it this way. If you still have left over feelings of anger or sadness buried beneath the “everything’s fine” smiles, you’re not leaving much room for genuine happiness to grow later on. Face it, embrace it, and give it a tear-stained kiss goodbye.

3. Forgive

Forgive yourself, forgive your ex, forgive the situation for just not working out. Because holding on to any feelings of resentment and toxic grudges will make it very hard to move on to a healthy and happy place. As Kaylee Scafe wrote for the Huffington Post, there is nothing more unhealthy for the soul than letting anger add up to the point that it overpowers the love inside of you. Forgiveness acts like a trigger to move forward. By letting go, you’re at peace to be yourself and get to where you want to be rather than being held back by the paralyzing negative.

4. Apologize

It’s especially tricky when you hold any portion of responsibility to account for the breakup. If you’re doing the breaking up, or something you did led to it, apologizing helps both parties get closure. It sucks, especially when you may feel like you have nothing to apologize for or whatever occurred was totally justified. We all know apologizing is difficult because you’re essentially admitting to some sort of fault and when is that ever fun? But in doing so, you’re simply helping things settle peacefully. It’s easier to walk away from something resolved and accounted for rather than lingering, bitter conflicts that may come back to haunt you.

5. Ceremonies, Rituals, & Symbols

Hit up your local bookstore and dig up some books on witchcraft and black magic to look into some spells that will help you get that closure. Just kidding. But really, a little imagination can go a long way here. As suggested on relationship website All Women Stalk, having a little symbolic ceremony can help you more easily visualize the process of moving on. By making it a seemingly more tangible thing, it can seem real, comforting, and more possible overall. Some ideas discussed were outlining everything you feel, every thought that crosses your mind, everything you want to say, and putting it in a letter, a journal, or, a common psychotherapeutic technique, talking to an empty chair and imagining the person is there.

6. Focus On The Positives

Everything in life is about perspective. And what’s beautiful about that is that it’s all up to you. You have that control. Livestrong’s Duvauchelle suggested to shift your perspective on the relationship in a positive space. Focus on all of the good that relationship brought to you and value that time and those moments. Because anything you look back on that made you smile should not be considered a regretful waste of time, even if you’re strongly feeling the pain of its absence at the present moment. Of course, I’m not suggesting you play out a sappy montage of your relationship on a loop in your head and viewing it as something you won’t ever get back. Rather, look at it as something great that happened and that’s now put you in an exciting place for new things.

So taking it a step further, focus on all of the positive things this change in your life can offer you, because there is always something. New opportunities, chances, and people come into your life all the time. So look at it all as a stepping stone to the next amazing thing.

7. Create A Plan To Move Forward

As pointed out in an article for Her Campus, it’s important to note that closure doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re ready to date again, just that you’re ready to move forward. This is the important part of getting over a breakup that will open you up to new relationships down the road. Once you’ve felt the feelings and confronted the situation from all angles you could, create a plan for yourself that will help you move forward rather than dwell on the past. Duvauchelle suggested to simply let yourself do new, exciting things that help you discover there’s more to life than what that past relationship meant. This is the final step to tap into in order to ensure you’ve truly gained that closure in a healthy way.

People view closure differently. Some say you don’t need it to heal while others swear by it as the only way to move on. However it is that you deal with reconciling the end of a relationship or some period of your life, the most important thing is to focus on staying healthy and positive for yourself. To wrap this up with more glorious metaphors, you’re the one holding the ribbon and standing in front of the door, so you have the ultimate power to decide what to do and how to do it. Remember that.

Getting closure from a psychopath is a feat not many can achieve for it is an unrealistic accomplishment considering the facts. You have a better chance at spotting a shooting star, remembering to make a wish and that wish actually coming true.

However despite the near impossible odds, there really is a way to get closure from a narcissist or psychopath. It’s just not the type of closure you are used to or the one you feel you deserve.

Well first of all, what exactly is closure?

Closure is when both parties can honestly say they parted ways from each other and achieved some sort of finality from the relationship. There are no loose ends or reasons to look back anymore.

Among normal healthy human beings, even when a marriage or relationship is severed in bad terms, BOTH parties need that sense of closure in order to move on with their lives and they both tend to help each other achieve it.

Since there was actually love in that relationship, it’s not difficult to give each other the closure and blessings along their way.

But this is not something that’s achievable when dealing with a psychopath and they know this too well so they use that need against you.

If you truly want to get closure from a narcissist or psychopath ex there are a few things you will need to understand.

  1. The psychopath narcissist will purposely rob you from closure as yet another form of torture and punishment for any type of narcissistic injuries they experienced while in relationship with you.
  2. You will be mocked for asking such things from them and will look weak in their eyes.
  3. Whatever type of closure or explanation you expect to get from them will be a word salad of confusing and trauma infusing lies that will only hurt you deeper.
  4. The psychopath will test you and manipulate the situation to where instead of you wanting closure, you will want THEM back in your life.

If the narcissist feels that you are ready to move on they will make it a point to prove to you and to themselves that you still NEED them. This is how they test your will and resolve.

At this point you can expect another layer of manipulation and dark negotiations which will blind side you and set you back so far it will feel like you are starting over.

In order to pass the psychopath’s test, one has to maintain the course and not only avoid asking them for closure, but avoid communicating with them as much as possible. Once the relationship is over, NO CONTACT must be established.

Remember your psychopath ex has already groomed their new victim, long before the two of you broke up. They are not sad, lonely or despaired at the severing of your relationship and chances are, you were unexpectedly discarded.

So what type of closure from a narcissist can we truly expect to receive?

The only real closure you expect to get from a psychopath or narcissist is the closure you make for yourself by understanding and accepting that you were dating or married to a monster and that relationship was never real.

This may not be the answer you were hoping to hear but it’s the one that will speed up the healing process and give you back the honor, self respect, and validation you deserve for surviving such a nightmare.

This piece of information has been vital for many victims and serves as the turning point where one finally lets go of their tormentor and closes off the doors to them forever.

This is why it’s imperative that we continue to educate ourselves on how these predators operate, understand their disorder, and learn to recognize their behavioral patterns.

Only then can we build the strength and confidence we need to protect ourselves from these toxic individuals and begin taking back our lives!


Narcissist abuse is a perpetual nightmare not many can wake up from. The anxiety, trauma and PTSD can last a lifetime if one does not properly cut ties with their psychopathic tormentor and follow through with a specific plan for recovery.

However, this path can be a mystery to most victims of narcissists who’ve been discarded and dismantled. That’s why I’ve put together a step-by-step guide that will show you how to take the first step in establishing boundaries between you and your abuser. Study this guide carefully and do exactly what it says, especially if you have been recently discarded and left to rot by your narcissist ex.

These were the first instructions my mentor gave me back when I too was in hell; gasping for air from the suffocating panic and bed ridden anxiety my psychopath ex had left me in. I followed his guidance to the tee and instantly felt life breathing back into my soul… as will YOU when you follow these easy steps.

The information in this guide is crucial to your mental health and recovery. Do not hesitate or risk another minute of your life drifting into oblivion at the hands of a psychopath narcissist.

Get your Free 22 page Ebook now by simply filling in your name and email address below.

One Reply to “How to Get Closure from a Narcissist or Psychopath EX”

I am newly/quickly divorced from a narcissist. Only three months separated. She and her children from a prior marriage, moved into a new apartment and the next door neighbor guy had a kid and is going thru a divorce as well. She is already in a relationship with him.
I was her fourth marriage (and divorce) and her 6th adult relationship that I know of.
I was unsure of divorcing and started to back peddle which only fed her ego. She loved constantly telling me she was no longer in love with me. Just two weeks prior to separating she told me she was still in love with me. Admitted later to lying so she didn’t hurt me.
You described her almost perfectly in you description of a female narcissist.
With her- She’s beautiful, but does not go for good looking people. In fact- when we met I was morbidly obese. She acted like she was madly in love. I have an outgoing personality and a lot of friends and I feel that’s what attracted her as she has no friends at all.
She has the fake boobs and dresses like a knock out.
She is mean as hell to workers in a store- on the phone or whatever encounter she has, if she is not satisfied or getting what she wants. She is so aggressive, almost to the point of being a bully. I would try to explain to her that shes killing the messenger but it didnt matter.
I’m an emotional wreck. Heart broken, lonely for her,my anxiety is through the roof and definately struggling with PTSD. I have been completely ghosted. and all for a person I was miserable with!

“How have you been processing everything?”

Breakups can feel like a big explosion scene in an action flick. They often happen so fast, with so many moving parts. When you stand back and watch it all, totally bewildered, you might find yourself wondering what the actual heck just happened. No matter how long you were dating your old flame, if you’re looking to better understand why you split, then these questions to ask your ex for closure may really come in handy.

Whether you and your ex had been fighting nonstop for a while or you thought you were going to be together forever, calling it quits with someone can cause 50 shades of confusion. But as Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, previously told Elite Daily, creating a sense of closure can be especially important. This is especially true when you’re not sure why your ex broke it off, or you didn’t want your relationship to end. “Getting ‘closure’ means getting information, getting questions answered, and then pulling all that information together to create a narrative that makes sense to the individual,” Dr. Klapow shared.

At any stage of a breakup, if you’re looking to get to the bottom of things, here are 20 questions to ask your ex boyfriend or girlfriend to get some closure.

If You’d Like A No-Contact Break

Abstaining from contacting your ex can be one of the best ways to find closure. When you give yourself time to be on your own, that’s when you can fully analyze the relationships you’ve been in and give yourself time to heal and focus on what’s important: i.e., you. “Not everyone has the foresight to do this, but a no-contact period is a great idea because it keeps former partners from slipping back into a quasi-relationship, which only makes things confusing and hurting both parties further,”clinical psychologist Erika Martinez previously told Elite Daily. “It can be an important agreement, especially in cases when either partner isn’t 100% sure whether they want to end the relationship but need some space from the relationship to process.”

Christie Federico, a relationship and sexual empowerment coach, agreed, telling Elite Daily that having a no-contact period with your ex can help you avoid the drama. “Often it’s harder to detach from a partner when we’re still in touch with them. If the communication remains the same, it can feel as if nothing has changed and it can leave us hopeful of a chance at getting back together, which may not be a healthy idea,” she warned. “Having distance can help us gain clarity around the relationship.” If you know that this is something that you want to do, then here are some questions to ask your ex.

  • I need to process that we’re no longer together. Can we take a break from talking and texting every day?
  • I need to find closure in my own way, so how about we unfollow each other on social media?
  • We still have mutual friends — can we try not talking to them about us?
  • Do you have anything else you want to say to me before we break it off?
  • Before we stop talking to each other, was there anything you learned from our relationship?

If You’d Like To Stay On Good Terms

Maybe having a no-contact period with your ex isn’t for you. Not everyone wants to go cold turkey, especially if you and your ex had a beautiful friendship. If you would like to stay on good terms with your ex, then try taking advice from breakup coach and host of the breakup BOOST podcast Trina Leckie. She previously told Elite Daily that “it’s best to just be honest and say you would like to remain friends” with them. But if you do that, then you have to be sure that this is the route you want to take.

After all, your ex did breakup with you for a reason, and being in close proximity to them might not always be the best thing for your health. “You need to ask yourself why you would even consider being friends with them,” Leckie advised. “Why would you want to? It’s important to forgive in order to free yourself of carrying so much weight and toxic energy around, but that doesn’t mean you need to have them in your life going forward.”If you’re sure that you want to stay on good terms with your ex, then try asking them these questions.

  • Moving forward, what do you need from me?
  • What positives did you take away from our relationship?
  • Are you interested in staying friends?
  • How do you feel about us now that everything is said and done?
  • Can I still ask you to hang out, or do you need to take some time and space?

If You Want To Know Why Things Ended

It’s completely normal to feel confused after a breakup. When someone changes their mind about spending forever with you, you’ll probably wonder what went wrong. And sometimes, that might awaken some deep insecurities that you never knew you had. If you want to know why your relationship ended, try asking your ex these five questions.

  • Can you walk me through what happened, from your perspective?
  • I have a lot of questions about the way things ended, so can we set up a time to talk about it?
  • Could we have done anything differently?
  • What type of relationship are you looking for in the future?
  • What made you want to give up on us?

If You Want To Make Sure They’re OK

Your ex broke your heart, but you still want to make sure that they’re OK. Don’t worry — this doesn’t sound as usual as it seems. When you’ve been with someone for a long time and shared countless memories with them, it might be a little hard for you to disregard them and pretend like they don’t exist. Making sure that your ex is OK after a breakup only shows how much you cared about them and want them to succeed. Not all breakups have to end with both parties being petty, especially if both you and your ex fought for the relationship to work. If you want to make sure that your ex is good, try talking to them about your relationship and why it went sour — but remember not to dwell on the negatives because your main focus should be your ex’s self-esteem.

  • Do you feel comfortable talking about why it ended right now, or do you need time to process?
  • How have you been processing everything?
  • Do you feel like you’re healing from our breakup?
  • Did you feel seen in our relationship?
  • Did the breakup change the way that you see yourself?

There are many different ways to get closure after a relationship has ended, and there’s no wrong way to do it. However, it’s best to think carefully about which route you want to take, because remember: your mental wellbeing should always be top priority.

Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show

Christie Federico, relationship and sexual empowerment coach

Trina Leckie, breakup coach and host of the breakup BOOST podcast

Editor’s Note: This story has been updated by Elite Daily Staff.

This article was originally published on 11.04.19

It’s hard to gain relationship closure. In fact, it can be one of the most difficult things you may ever do.

The strange thing about closure is that it sometimes comes long after the relationship is over, and yet, sometimes, even before it ends. The truth is, you can usually see where your relationship is headed, and you just don’t know what to do or what to feel.

You know when it’s time to move on, but you just don’t know how to make that happen. I’ve been there, and it’s heartbreaking.

Why it’s so important to move on

Moving on is important because you cannot live in a fantasy world forever. When relationships end, most of the time, there’s no going back. Relationships and closure help you heal before starting new healthy relationships if a partnership is still your desire.

Hey, some even choose to stay single for a while, heal and also discover who they are and what they want out of life. But none of this self-discovery and healing can come if there is no closure with the relationship.

Getting the closure you deserve

As I stated before, ending a relationship with the appropriate closure is important. Although this process may indeed be painful, it’s necessary to start over new. So, in case you don’t know how to do this, I will offer a few suggestions. Here’s how to get closure.

1. The last talk

If you’re mature enough to handle this, then talking about the reasons is important. If the breakup was calm, then the other party may be willing to explain what happened from their side. Being able to talk through this process is a great advantage to moving on.

Make sure, however, that this talk isn’t going to lead to false hopes from either side.

2. Separate locations

Another thing you must do to ensure closure is to move to another place. If you’re married or live together, you will be more prone to get back into a relationship that isn’t good for you if you remain too long.

When you’ve decided that it’s over, the relationship must have total closure. This means, if you eat, sleep, and exist in the same home, one of you has to move out.

3. Set and keep boundaries

If you must have some contact, such as contact because of shared children, then you must set firm boundaries. Setting these boundaries and keeping them, allows you to attain total closure to the relationship.

You can agree to meet in certain places other than your home or you can agree to act a certain way when you have to meet. Either way, setting boundaries will help you find the end you need.

4. Get support

Some people aren’t able to accept closure without support from friends and family. I know that many have said that it’s up to you to accept things, but after a terrible breakup, being on your own is not a good option.

It’s just too unfair and painful. It’s just important that you do not keep your emotions inside. Talking to someone helps you hear the words coming out of your mouth and helps you process this truth.

5. Change scenery

After a painful breakup, relationships need closure, even if it means changing your surroundings. Sometimes, in order to accept what’s happening to you, a breath of fresh air or a different location may calm you.

It can also help you realign your focus and understand your goals. Clearing your mind by going somewhere new also helps you see that your worth doesn’t depend on another person. You can go places, attain goals and definitely feel good about yourself as well.

6. Holding on to self-worth

Sometimes breakups happen out of the blue. You may think your relationship is doing fine, and then suddenly, your wife is asking for a divorce or your boyfriend is asking to part ways. This can be the most shocking experience for anyone.

When you have no explanation of why you’ve been left, then your self-esteem may take a hit. Here’s what you need to do in order to find closure. No matter how emotional you may be, you have to hold onto your worth. Remember, as I also spoke of before, that your worth is not governed by another person.

No matter what they do, or even if it makes no sense, you still have to believe in yourself. Get closure, by holding on tight to the great person you are. It takes some work, but you can do it.

7. Get rid of reminders

This might seem cold, but when a relationship is in need of closure, you must get rid of gifts, cards, or letters you’ve received from your ex. These sentimental reminders will only keep you locked into the past, and the past is what you’re trying to get over.

So, pack up those things and either put them away or just get rid of them. This will help so much with that closure you seek.

8. Professional help

If all else fails, you should seek professional help. Seeking the help of therapists and counselors provide so much room to bounce your emotions off another person. This is not only another person but someone who has dealt with these issues before with other people.

They are trained to give the best options and advice for gaining closure. And sometimes, this doesn’t even have to be the last resort. It may be wise to seek help in the beginning so you can stay on track.

Relationship closure is necessary

You cannot keep living in the past and wondering what went wrong. You cannot work and rework all the mistakes you or your ex made during the relationship. When it’s over, it’s over. Although some people do work things out and stay together, many do not. When this happens, there must be relationship closure.

So, if your suffering from the loss of love or marriage, I urge you to seek closure. As hard as it may be, it has to be done. When you walk out of the dark and back into the light, you will understand why it didn’t work out.