While you might think that you’re mature beyond your years, living with mom means that she has the final say in what you do and where you go. If you want to go out with your friends, but your mother says “no,” you can consider taking steps to change her mind.
Explore this article
1 Set a Goal
Before you bust out with, “But, mom everyone else is going,” set a realistic goal for the conversation. While the over-riding goal is for your mom to let you go places, make your discussion objectives more specific and more manageable. Create a list of goals that gradually build up to the main idea of going out with your friends. For example, the first goal is for mom to understand that you feel like she doesn’t trust you and the second goal is for her to really hear you when you explain that you’re responsible.
2 Listen Up
Discussing whether mom will or won’t allow you to go places isn’t a one-way conversation. Expecting mom to listen to you without giving her the same courtesy back isn’t likely to get you the results that you want. While you might want her to listen without talking, she’s going to have plenty to say on the subject. Listen to what your mother is telling you before you start whining that she isn’t fair. Instead of arguing, make counterpoints in a calm tone that specifically focus on what she says to you. For example, if she says that she doesn’t want you going to the post-homecoming party, tell her that the host’s parents will be there chaperoning.
3 Whine Down
When you speak to your mother in a respectful tone, she’s more likely to listen to you than if you whine, according to the article “Talking to Your Parents — or Other Adults” on the TeensHealth website. Stop yourself from complaining that mom’s rules are unfair or blaming her for your lack of social status. Put yourself in control over your emotions, and calm your whining or complaining behaviors. A mature approach shows mom that you’re ready for more responsibility, possibly leading her to believe that you can handle going out with your friends.
4 Just the Facts, Mom
Asking mom to let you go out without providing any details is a surefire way to get a swift “no.” Take the opposite approach and offer up all of the facts that you can about your social situation. For example, if you want to go to a local band’s concert with your friends, tell your mom what the venue is, where it is, what times the show starts and ends, who you are going with, how you will get there and home and how much it costs. It’s likely that your mom just wants to protect you. Giving her the details helps her to feel safer about where you are.
You’ve been texting your friend all week, planning a great night of fun over at her house this weekend. That’s the easy part. Now you have to convince your parents to let you go over there. If you’re lucky, you already have open lines of communication with your folks. In any case, think about how to approach the subject at a time and in a way that maximizes the chances they’ll be receptive to your request.
Demonstrate to your parents that you are responsible, trustworthy and mature enough to handle additional freedoms and privileges. Do your chores around the house without being asked, keep up your grades in school, follow house rules and come home from activities on time. This type of behavior makes it more likely your parents will be willing to listen to your request to go to your friend’s house because you’ve already demonstrated you are making good choices and being responsible. On the flip side, if you’ve just gotten in trouble with this same friend, had problems at another friend’s house or shown poor judgment in another area, it’s probably not the best time to ask for permission to go to your friend’s house.
Approach your parents at a time when they are relaxed, not busy with other important activities and have the time to talk — if they’re in the middle of a huge project or have just walked in the door after a long day at work, that’s not a good time. Talk to them when you’re doing the dishes together after dinner or relaxing in the family room later on. Don’t jump right into begging to go to your friend’s house. Instead, calmly point out recent positive developments in your behavior and ways you’ve shown greater responsibility. Thank them for the privileges you have recently been given. Then lead into the subject at hand: Tell them you have gotten to be good friends with Susie and you’d like the opportunity to spend more time together.
Present a specific request, such as asking if you could please go over to Susie’s house Friday evening to watch movies together, or on Saturday afternoon to hang out, give each other mani-pedis and cook dinner together. Be prepared for the questions you know they will ask, such as whether her parents will be there and what movies you plan to watch. You will improve your chances of getting to go if you have had your friend over to your house before so your parents will have had the chance to meet her and get to know her.
Remain calm if they say “no” at first. Calmly ask what concerns they have about you going over to your friend’s house. Ask them respectfully what type of things you could do to help them feel more comfortable with allowing you to go to Susie’s. For example, suggest she could come over to your house this coming weekend for a movie night or a family meal so your parents could get to know her and see that you and your friend can be trusted to follow the rules and get along with the family. Such steps might help change their initial “no” to an eventual “yes.”
Having sleepless nights? Thinking of the best way in convincing your parents to let you travel the world? 10 years ago, I was in your position, and here are some of the ways on how I did it.
Reader Mail: Hi Trisha! I’m 30 years old and I still live with my family. It’s not really my choice but as you know, our culture is used to living with their parents up until you are married and have kids. I am single, without children and I really want to travel while I am young and able.
The problem is every time I try to bring it up to my parents, they always have a reason and forms of discouragement. Hence, my plans always get postponed. My question is: as a Filipina, what is the best way in convincing your parents to let you travel the world? How did you do it. Was it hard for you?
– Eileen, Philippines
For the benefit of our foreign friends, let’s give a brief explanation of why we have to ask our parents permission to travel the world or leave even if we are already adults.
In the Filipino culture, family is the most important unit. We are more often required to attend birthdays of extended families, go to mass (if we are practicing Catholicism), etc.
Even if you don’t know which relative’s birthday is it, being absent in such a gathering is a mortal sin. Family affects the environment of the young Filipino people that we are almost expected to live the way they want our lives to be.
I’d like to avoid the word “controlled” because we are not prisoners of our own parents. It’s just that, there is no right age to be free from that parenting.
I am not saying this applies to all Filipino families but a majority of the millennials have this problem. When I first moved to Italy at 21, I couldn’t wait to get out of the house but my mother was mom enough to make me live with my aunt.
For me, this was normal but in school, all of my classmates were already renting their own apartments and have small jobs like bartending or waiting tables.
Living with my aunt, for me, was completely normal but the exposure to western culture made me think, “why am I not allowed to do that?”
As time passed, I realized it’s not about being allowed but the idea of living on our own was not brought to the table. Our parents don’t talk about it because the turning point will always be marriage.
My family is a mix of Asian and Western household so we were brought up differently.
Getting married is the unspoken rule of getting out of the house. But what if, you are 30, not married, and without kids?
I am not implying that young people in the Philippines decide to get married or have babies at 21 they want to taste freedom but what if, it really is?
What if we were allowed to live on our own, pay our own bills by the time we graduate college at 21? What if we were given that responsibility and freedom at a young age?
Growing up in a western household, my parents always gave us the ultimatum: after college, we will help you for 3 months then you should be out of the house.
This rule startled me and my siblings but we all learned how to be on our own and live the life we deem fit. Like all things, it was very challenging at the beginning but eventually, we did thrive in the paths we chose.
As for me, ‘after college’ didn’t come as I didn’t really finish college so, in my own timeline, this is 22. My friends often think if there was a dramatic orchestra playing in the background when I told my parents I am going to leave and travel the world but there wasn’t.
I planned my travels, packed my bags, said what I wanted to say, and left. It was just another day. I was pretty sure my mom would say something ‘motherly’ but she didn’t.
My tone in the conversation portrayed, “I am not asking for permission. You’re just being informed.”
That ambient I set didn’t give her the opportunity to interrupt me or even give her kind maternal opinions about my decision.
Again, we are brought up by different parents so I can’t say what I did will work for you, hence, the absence of concrete advice. In my experience with Filipino readers, even if I write an essay about how to tell your parents you will travel the world, they will still have follow-up questions such as:
I have a 48-hour serenity limit when I’m with my parents. After two days, it’s like an alarm sounds inside me and sends me right back to 1999. I’m a petulant teenager again with a bad attitude, and everything my mother says, no matter how innocuous, inspires the response, “Ugh, Mom, stop nagging me!”
This unstoppable regression, which has been going on since I left for college, felt worse once I became a parent myself. I am an extremely grown woman now, I thought. I am beyond this. But, like clockwork, by the third day of exposure to my mom and dad, I’d be back in the ’90s, scowling and blasting the Breeders in a borrowed Honda.
I am far from alone in this. Psychologists even have a term to describe the way we fall back into predictable, maddening behavior patterns when we’re with our family of origin. It’s called family systems theory — the notion that families have an equilibrium, and each person has a fixed role that “is in service of keeping the family system intact,” said Pooja Lakshmin, M.D., a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the George Washington University School of Medicine & Health Sciences. So whatever your established role is — whether you’re the appeaser, or the family clown, or the petulant one — you’re going to be thrown right back there the second you walk through the door of your childhood home.
Kira Birditt, Ph.D., a research associate professor at the University of Michigan who has studied tension between adult children and their parents, said that 94 percent of respondents in her study on the topic reported some kind of strife in their relationships. Research also shows that the connection between mothers and adult daughters is especially fraught; Dr. Birditt described it as “the closest and most irritating” of almost all relationships. (One of the most life-changing episodes of my early adulthood was noticing my own mother get sulky at something her mother said.)
So, how do you get through the holidays with your folks without losing your damn mind? Here’s some sanity-preserving advice.
Prepare for your inevitable regression. It’s not a question of if the regression is going to happen, it’s when. Dr. Lakshmin advised that you do some mental work before visiting your family so that you can avoid triggering your worst behaviors. Ask yourself: Are there particular topics of conversation or physical places that tend to send your family into a tizzy? And then try to avoid those topics and places. Even changing scenery can help jog you out of old patterns, so if the family dinner table always devolves into chaos, try going out to eat one night and see if it improves relations.
Try to find empathy. The most typical negative mother-daughter interaction involves this dynamic: Adult daughters feel criticized by their mothers, and mothers feel their daughters are being too sensitive, said Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and the author of “You’re Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation.” How the grandchildren are being raised is a major trigger for this dynamic, Dr. Tannen said: “Many women told me that they could take criticism about anything except their mothering skills.”
Dr. Tannen’s advice for grandparents: Bite your tongue, because even the most benign (to you) suggestion may be perceived as criticism. Her advice for adult daughters is, “try to remind yourself that it feels like criticism, but it is an expression of caring.” Your mother just wants everything to go well for you, and she’s trying to help (even if it makes you want to scream into a pillow).
Make space for yourself. You will need an escape hatch from time to time. “Whether this means hiding out in the bathroom for 10 minutes to cool down, structuring the length of visits or springing for a hotel rather than staying in your parents’ guest room,” make sure you’re somehow creating a space where you can get some emotional distance from your family, said Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of “The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships.” I always make sure I can exercise in the morning when I’m with family — it gives me a break from them and also is a good conduit for ambient rage.
Don’t expect change. The last thing to remember is that there won’t be a magical solution to your family trauma over the holidays, Dr. Lakshmin said. December is a stressful time — mental health professionals say it’s particularly hard on their patients — and it’s not the time to bring up old baggage and expect to work through it.
Want More on Grandparent Relationships?
We have a whole article on how to deal with grandparents who cross boundaries. Carla Bruce-Eddings spoke to the experts, and they can help you navigate this bumpy new terrain. It’s important to remember: You always have the final say on how to manage your own kid.
It can be painful to have grandparents who can’t or won’t visit. FaceTime can help you connect, and Bridget Shirvell has other tips for forging that distance.
Paula Span writes a lovely column for the Times about modern grandparenting called “Generation Grandparent.”
Even though our parents may drive us bonkers, many of us feel quite lucky to have them around. Sara B. Franklin wrote a heart-rending essay for us about how caring for her parents during terminal illnesses helped prepare her for mothering. She describes herself as “carved by the grooves of loss.”
Parenting can be a grind. Let’s celebrate the tiny victories.
I got my 7-year-old daughter, who has autism, humming Joe Jackson’s “Steppin’ Out,” which was a favorite song of mine as a child.
— Adriann Ravizee, Silver Spring, Md.
If you want a chance to get your Tiny Victory published, find us on Instagram @NYTparenting and use the hashtag #tinyvictories; email us; or enter your Tiny Victory at the bottom of this page. Include your full name and location. Tiny Victories may be edited for clarity and style. Your name, location and comments may be published, but your contact information will not. By submitting to us, you agree that you have read, understand and accept the Reader Submission Terms in relation to all of the content and other information you send to us.
Having difficulty communicating with parents is something many kids go through. As parents, there are things you can do so your children will listen more and really hear what you’re saying. But it’s definitely a two-way street — parents need to listen to what their children are saying too. Parents, share the following with your kids to help improve your communicating, and listening.
Talking with your parents isn’t really very different from talking with your friends.
Think about it. The friends you like the most probably are honest with you, show up on time when you have someplace to go, know when to back off because you need some space, and don’t try to act like people they’re not. So, you respect who they are, care about them and like to be around them.
Parents and teenagers can have the same kind of relationship. If there seems to be a breakdown in communication with your parents, here are some things to keep in mind:
- Say what you mean, and be specific. Don’t say, “I hate French. The teacher’s a jerk, and everyone is flunking,” if what you’re really trying to say is, “I know this will upset you, but I got my French grade today, and it’s terrible.”
- Try not to be defensive. If your mom asks what time you’ll be home, don’t assume she thinks you’re sneaking around or doing drugs. She is probably concerned about your well-being, and knowing you’ll be home at a certain time eases her worry when you’re not at home. The same theory applies to your dad. If he asks you who’s driving you to the concert, don’t assume he thinks all your friends are irresponsible and so are you. Knowing where you’ll be and who you’re with makes it easier for him to give you more freedom.
- Give your parents a chance to think things over. It isn’t fair to ask for something you want if you need an answer immediately. Allowing extra time also shows your parents that you think the issue is important enough to deserve attention from them.
- Don’t make your parents guess what is important to you. Tell them and make sure you think things over first. If everything you bring up seems crucial, your parents will be confused about your priorities.
- Try to pick a time to talk that is good for everyone. If your parents can’t talk to you at that moment, it doesn’t mean they’re not interested. Ask them to suggest a time that’s better for both of you.
- Introduce your parents to things you enjoy. For example, if there’s a new group whose music you like, ask them if they want to hear it. Tell them why you think it’s great. It will be a refreshing change for your parents to learn from you.
Give a copy of this to your parents. It might help them to see things more the way you do.
About the Author:
Margaret R. Paccione-Dyszlewski, PhD
Margaret Paccione, PhD, is the director of clinical innovation at Bradley Hospital. Dr. Paccione has more than 35 years of experience in supervisory and administrative positions as well as extensive experience with trauma patients and managing trauma-related service environments.
Sure, you talk to your parents, but what if you need to really talk? Maybe you have a problem you can’t solve alone. Or it could be that you want to feel closer to your parent. It’s good to confide in your parents. In fact, it can help a lot.
If you don’t have a parent you can talk to, you can talk with another trusted adult in your life. Find a teacher, coach, relative, or counselor who will listen and understand when you want to talk.
Here are a few ideas about what to talk about:
Talk about everyday stuff. Make it a habit to talk to your parent about regular things from your day. Share what goes well for you. Tell them about a good part of your day, a grade you’re proud of, or a funny joke a friend told you. Talking helps you be close and enjoy each other more. That way, when you need to talk about a problem you’re having, it’s easier.
Talk about a problem you’re going through. Some kids might think if they share a problem, they’ll make a parent worried or upset. But parents can handle knowing about your problem, big or small. If they look concerned, it just means they care, and that they feel for you.
Some kids might not bring up a problem because they just don’t want to think about it. They might hope it will just go away. But that hardly ever solves it. And bottling up your feelings can make you feel stressed.
Talk about something you’re worried about. If you’re worried about something, let a parent know what’s on your mind. Just talking about it can make a worry seem smaller. And parents can help you figure out how to handle what you’re worried about. That helps you feel more prepared.
Talk about your feelings. Talking about your feelings helps you know yourself better. It helps you handle your feelings well. A parent can be the perfect person to share feelings with. After all, they know you pretty well. You can be yourself with them.
Spend time doing things you both enjoy. It’s easy to talk to a parent when you make time to do things together. Invite your parent to go for a walk, play a game, play a sport, cook together, or watch a show you both like. Having time together helps you both relax, have fun together, and feel close. That makes it easy to open up to have a chat – about anything at all, or about nothing special.
These are all the struggles girls who have super strict parents understand.
By Noelle Devoe Dec 5, 2017
You’ve probably been annoyed at one point or another by your parents breathing down your neck about grades or SATs, or being totally unreasonable about something like curfew. But when you have a super strict parent, it’s an everyday struggle. While it may seem like you’re the only girl in the world whose parents are this strict, rest assured you are not alone in the parental oppression. Here are things only girls with super strict parents understand.
1. Anytime you go shopping with your friends, you have to hide any new clothes your mom wouldn’t approve of. Because if she sees the cute new mini-skirt you bought at the mall, she’ll never let you out of the house again.
2. But that’s never stopped you from wearing them. Whether it’s on the ride to school or in the bathroom before homeroom, you’ve taken changing clothes on the sly to ninja levels.
3. Your parents don’t understand sleepovers. You have a bed at home. Why do you have to go over a friend’s house to sleep (other than to rob, cheat, and steal behind their backs)? The only way you’re ever allowed to go to a sleepover is if your parents are going out of town, your grandparents aren’t available to "babysit," and they know your friend’s parents. And even then, they still need to talk with them on the phone for 20 minutes to make sure they have an itinerary of the night’s events.
4. Your parents have to meet any boy you want to "hang out with". even when it’s not a date (because you’re not allowed to date).
5. If you’re allowed to date (and that’s a big if) finally, your parents want your date’s phone number. And his parents’ numbers. And the address of the movie theater you’ll be going to. And the name and showtime of the movie you’re seeing. And the precise moment you’ll be home. And his zodiac sign (just in case).
6. You’re the only person you know who actually has to wait until you’re 17 to see an R-rated movie. Your mom wouldn’t even make an exception so you could see JLaw’s Oscar-winning performance in Silver Lining’s Playbook. And she’s your fave actress!
7. Your friends think you’re trying to get out of hanging with them. Your friends give you major side eye because no parent can really be that strict. But they’ve clearly never dealt with your parents.
8. You have to call your friends’ parents Mr. and Mrs. even if they insist that you call them by their first names: "Mr. and Mrs. makes us feel old." Because
9. They stalk your Facebook and Insta. You laugh in your friends’ faces when they tell you to just unfriend your parents so they won’t be able to see your profile. What they don’t know is you won’t be able to use Facebook at all if you did that. because your parents would promptly take your computer and phone away.
10. You get in trouble if your phone ever dies. Because clearly, you let your phone die on purpose so that you would have an excuse not to tell your parents exactly where you were every hour on the hour and return their five billion texts and voicemails—not because your battery is just really crappy and dies after you post one selfie on Insta.
11. Your parents won’t let you stay home alone. Even if your parents are just going out for the night, they INSIST on calling your grandparents to "babysit." Because only one of two things could possibly happen if you were given that much freedom: 1) You’ll throw a raging house party and burn the house down, or 2) Some big baddie will choose that weekend to come kidnap you (and all your siblings) in your sleep.
12. You know those teen girl rights of passage, like dying your hair, or getting your ears pierced? Nope. Totally out of the question—unless you want to try to do it yourself behind their backs (which never turns out well).
13. Your parents insist on driving you everywhere. Your friends think they’re super nice for driving you to the movies all the time, but you know it’s just so they can constantly keep tabs on you.
14. And getting your license doesn’t change anything. You’re not allowed to drive with friends in the car, after dark, if it’s raining, or on highways. Basically the only time you are allowed to drive is when they need you to run an errand.
15. There’s no way they’re letting you go far away for college. You’ve tried to bring it up as gently as possible, but if it were up to them they would homeschool you for college if they could. Even though they’re super not into it, you still might have to force their hand someday.
16. And staying in a dorm? OUT OF THE QUESTION. They always tell you that you’ll commute in to your dream school aka they will drive you everyday to the school closest to your house where they can see your classroom from their bedroom window.
17. But in the end, you know they only do it because they love you. And they’re right. sometimes.
When I’m not holed up in my room going on a completely unproductive Netflix binge or Tumblr stalking Timothée Chalomet, I’m searching for awesome celeb news stories that Seventeen readers will love!
“Marks don’t matter” or “marks don’t decide one’s future” are a myth for Indian parents. Nothing pleases them more than an A+. So whether it is an unimportant class test or your 12th-grade boards, you need to hustle until you touch that 90% and above mark. Even if this means you having to stay back at school for extra classes or going over at a friend’s place, who is a math wizard, to teach you the needful. You will have to stop complaining and hustle for that dream trip.
2. Wait For The Right Time To Ask
Good timing: Here are some examples of good timing you can find the opportunity to ask the question
i. On weekends when your parents are free and not involved in work.
ii. Catch them in their best mood.
iii. On festivals such as Diwali, Christmas, and more.
iv. After you have achieved something such as good grades, a medal in sports, some extra money by doing a part-time job, or you didn’t spend the whole year and saved for the trip.
Bad timing: Here are some examples of bad timing that you should avoid
i. When they have come home just after work. This is a risky time as you never know, they could have had a bad work day.
ii. Don’t ask if you have fought with them recently or they have fought with each other.
iii.If they can’t pay for the trip or you have not saved any money at all.
iv. When they have just received the electricity bill.
v. When they have just received your cell phone bill.
vi. When they have just received any kind of bill!
3. Be At Your Best Behaviour
4. Do Your Research Well
In a parallel universe, your parents will say yes when you ask their permission for a trip without asking any questions. But sadly, that is not the case in the real world. Lay out all the details and get ready for a grilling session because your parents will inquire about each and everything related to the trip.
A. Cost of the trip
i. Cost for accommodation
ii. Cost for the commute – this includes flight fares, train tickets, bus tickets, car booking fees, and other transportation charges
iii. Cost for food
iv. Incidental costs – this includes the cost of tickets for attractions, entertainment, some shopping that you do over there, and more.
You have to make sure that everything is under the budget. Brownie points if you end up spending less than what your parents have allowed you to.
5. The Friends Involved In The Trip
6. Do Not Lie
If there’s one thing that Indian parents hate the most, it is lying. And we all know the punishment for lying; a flying chappal! So, don’t lie about your trip being an all guys/girls one. Let them know that the trip includes boys and girls both and there have been proper arrangements made for sleeping separately. Your honesty might become the ticket to your dream trip!
7. Promise Them You Will Stay In Constant Touch
You will let them know about your location, you will call them before sleeping every night, you will let them know about any last minute changes you are making to the trip, and you will let them know you are safe. These area few of the many things you should promise to your parents when you plead your case. This will assure them that you will be a responsible child on the trip.
8. Respect Their Decision
If you have done what’s stated above, chances are you will be granted the trip. In this case, rejoice and thank them. They also deserve to know that they are the best parents ever! But if things do go south and they reject your request, try again in some time. If they still don’t agree with you, understand what’s making them say “no” and try to mend things. If it’s still a no, then you must give up. There will always be a next time and they might allow you then. Don’t forget, Apna time aayega!
Do not go on the trip without their permission. This will get you in serious trouble. Not all moms are like Jaya Bachchan from K3G, ready to welcome her son back with an aarti plate. Your parents will lose trust in you and you will end up saying goodbye to all future trips, along with added punishments such as no allowances, no cell phone access, etc.
Indian parents may seem strict but at the end of the day, they love their children dearly. So give it all you have got and hope for the best!
It turns out that you can definitely go home again. I know because I did.
I left my childhood home at age 18, bound for college. After graduating at 22, I moved to New York City and began a career as a writer and reporter. The seven years of life and work that followed completely changed my plans, desires, and circumstances. So when I moved back home at 29, my parents had to meet their adult son all over again.
It was an adjustment for all involved. Mom and Dad sacrificed space, routine, and some degree of privacy in hosting me. I had to design a new way to conduct myself; where I had once been a single guy in New York City, largely free to do as I pleased, I now needed to identify new boundaries and carve out a routine within them.
In any event, my live-at-home arrangement with my parents was a simple one: As long as I was earning money, I was free to stay with them. Working from a paranoia stoked by my parents’ dictum, “We charge rent when you stop making money,” I found myself signing a new apartment lease shortly after my 30th birthday.
Read on to soak up the wisdom I gained in my 11-month-long tour of duty with Mom and Dad. Living with your parents can be a positive, enjoyable experience if you try. Here’s what worked for me.
A common complaint from young people is that their parents don’t allow them to go out to socialise. It can be difficult when you see your friends going to the park, or going into town, and you always have to say no.
Do you feel your parents are being unreasonable? And what can you do to convince them to let you go?
Why won’t they let you go out with friends?
Parent’s can be really good at worrying about you! They may have heard about something bad that’s happened to someone else. It can be hard for them not to focus on the bad things and worry that the same thing will happen to you.
They may have seen something in the news about all the trouble that young people can get up to. It can be difficult not to imagine you getting mixed up in something similar. Some parents also struggle to accept that their children are growing up to be young adults.
It’s good to socialise
Whatever their reasoning is, the result is the same, you can’t go out and socialise with your friends. But being able to do this can be very important to someone of your age, for a number of reasons:
- Feeling like you’re a part of something, a sense of belonging
- It can increase your confidence
- Can be comforting as you and your friends are going through similar experiences
- Allowing you to learn things from your friends
- Gaining experience of getting along with people of the opposite sex as friends
- A chance to experiment with different roles, ideas, values and identities
- A chance to form romantic relationships
- Learning important social and emotional skills – sensitivity to other people’s thoughts, feelings and well-being
- Learning how to be fair and how to trust others
- Gaining practical skills such as reading bus timetables, time management or budgeting
How to change your parents’ minds?
So thinking about all the reasons why having this independence is good, how can you change your parents’ minds? It is possible, but it might take some careful planning. Why not try the following suggestions?
Pick the right time
Ask your parents when they have time to talk. Or if you know that they relax on a Sunday afternoon then choose that time to speak to them.
Don’t wait until the last minute to ask them, however scared you are that they’ll say no. Parents like to be organised and prepared, especially if there’s money or lifts involved.
Make sure they’re in a good mood when you decide to ask. If you can sense they are stressed or tired, don’t ask. If you’re already in trouble for something else, don’t ask. A good time to ask would be after you’ve impressed them with your maturity or helpfulness. They may be more inclined to say yes if they see the young adult and not the young child.
Once you’ve asked, don’t bug them for an answer. Be patient. If you annoy them they’re less likely to agree. Give them time to think about your request.
Work with your family’s schedule to the best of your ability. Try and co-ordinate your plans with your parents, not against them. Make it easy for them to say yes. Try not to miss family events in favour of time with your friends all the time.
Be prepared and honest
Be prepared. Have all the details ready – where, when, who, what, even why maybe. The more information you can give them, the happier they are likely to be.
Be honest. If you are caught out lying – and you will at some point – they will struggle to trust you again.
Start small. Ask if you can go to a friend’s house for the afternoon, before moving on to going into town or a night out at the cinema. The more comfortable your parents are with you going out, the more times they will say yes to your requests.
Tell your parents what they want and need to hear. The main reason they want to say no is because they love you and feel you’re safest at home with them. Re-assure them that where you’re going to is safe, the people you’re going with are decent and that you have no intention of doing anything illegal or dangerous. Tell them that you’ll send them a text every hour for the first few times to put their minds at rest. These small things will make it so much easier for your parents and in turn for you.
Keep calm when discussing your plans. Your parents won’t want to let their child who is having a temper tantrum out. They are more likely to be convinced by their mature young adult. Don’t spoil it for yourself by making demands, threats or losing your temper if at first you don’t get the answer you want.
Accept defeat and be proactive
As hard as it is sometimes you might have to accept defeat this time in order to win next time. Even if your parents say no you can still benefit by reacting in a mature way. Thank them for listening to you and don’t get angry or yell at them. Remember, mature young adult and not temper tantrum toddler! Your mature reaction should impress them and they might either change their mind or say yes next time you ask.
If there were conditions to you going (tidying your bedroom/doing your homework) make sure you do it. Don’t give them a reason to change their mind. You don’t want to spoil it for yourself.
If possible let your parents meet the friend’s you want to go out with or speak to the adults whose home you might be staying over at. Hopefully that will help to put their mind at rest.
Be appreciative and understanding
Show your appreciation. Thank your parents if they let you go and don’t do anything to let yourself down. If you do get caught doing something you shouldn’t, chances are next time their answer will be no.
If they say no, as hard as it is, try to understand their reasons. Remember not to overreact but don’t give up. Ask them again the next time there is a get together. Use the ‘It’s good to socialise’ list above and tell them why socialising with friends is important. The answer may be different next time.
If you think that your parents are being unfair and want to talk to someone about it, or if there’s anything else worrying you, then call Meic to talk to a friendly advisor.
Meic is an information and advocacy helpline for children and young people aged 0-25 in Wales. We are open 8am to midnight, 7 days a week. You can contact us free on the phone (080880 23456), text message (84001) or online chat.
I sometimes share e-mails under the tag “ ask me anything “. I get a lot of very similar e-mails which means there are a lot of people out there thinking the same questions. Why not address them to everyone? You can search more like these by clicking that link above.
“My friends want to go on a year long round the world trip after we graduate but my parents flipped out when I even mentioned it. I’m really close with them and don’t want to make them mad, but I think I’m going to go anyways. I support myself, so they can’t stop me- but I’m nervous it will cause too much drama.”
I get where parents are coming from when they are upset at their children wanting to travel or move away from home.. even going to college as far away from home as they can. It’s like saying, “mom & dad, thanks for raising me… but I’m outta here.”
No matter how you tell your parents you are moving to another country, another state, or even traveling long-term, that’s how they’ll hear it.
Hopefully, fear of parent’s disapproval does prevent adventurous kiddos from traveling.
All trips I went on involved a mini-fight prior to departure. My parents saw traveling as irresponsible I think… that maybe I’d outgrow it. I still feel bad that I live so far away from them, but I tell them the truth: it’s not permanent and we actually see each other almost as much as when I lived in Charlotte or somewhere else in the US since I come home a month every year.
So a little background…
My parents helped my brother and me a lot. We were spoiled with a lot, not that we were rich, but we got all the coolest toys and clothes, etc. They helped me in college with groceries, utilities and everything else that wasn’t covered by my scholarship, but I worked since I was 15.
I did pay for all my backpacking trips with my own money; I worked as a nurse aide, in a book store, and babysitting in college. Obviously if they hadn’t helped me with my school books, I wouldn’t have had the money to go backpacking.
I was pretty travel obsessed so I would have used loan money or credit cards and done it anyways; so thanks to them I have no debt.
South Carolina, OSU football game, vaca
They also bought me a very cute car even after I proved I couldn’t drive for shit by flipping my mom’s Tahoe a few times. Since moving to India, they’ve sold my car.
There was a point were they had had enough with my shenanigans. It was after one year in Charlotte when I decided to go to India alone. I’d already been to Africa on my own, and Europe twice, but this was different. I was going for a long time and for no particular reason. I was quitting my first job out of college after only 11 months. They were pissed.
Lesson #1 don’t spring a trip on them out of nowhere, always show your interest in traveling instead of hiding it so they’ll see it coming
Our parents generation is all about loyalty and working for the same company forEVER. While nowadays, people switch jobs every few years. So leaving my job was not seen as professional. They had moved all my things with a U-Haul to Charlotte a year prior. They told me they were not helping me move my things back up to Ohio, hoping that would prevent me from going.
Christmas photo we take every year, me bro & his wife, Bre
I sold most of my big things and took home what fit in my car (and the car of a friend that visited me). Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
Lesson #2 have a plan and be able to 100% support yourself
If you’re parents are paying your bills, you really can’t run off. You have to be “on your own”. I was on my own for a year in Charlotte but after India, what would I do? I’d have money but no job or home. I had a plan for a travel nursing job and my parents of course let me come home for about a month until that job started in Seattle, Washington. If you can’t stay at your parents, do you have a sibling to stay with? If not, you need enough money saved to pay rent until you find your next job.
I told them then I was moving to India… but first a quick trip to Mexico to meet this random guy I’d met in India (Ben). I think it was too much moving in a year for parents to be cool with.
Lesson #3 start small, then do longer and longer trips, before moving abroad rather than meet a guy and move a few months later 😉
We definitely disagreed about me moving to Goa with Ben, my accidental boyfriend I met on my first trip to India.
So I thought I should help you all out if you’re going through something similar, by sharing my story so you know a lot of people’s parents don’t totally approve of a traveling lifestyle.
I could ask my parents how they wish I’d told them, and what they wish I’d done differently. In what terms would they have better accepted my move to India? Was it because of leaving my job? Wasting my degree? Or just because they’d miss me?
Then I realized, on no terms would they have accepted it better and there’s no right way to tell your parents you’re moving to another country or going on a long trip. It’s not a normal thing to do in America and you’re parents are probably going to freak out.
Lesson #4 expect a freak out and be ready to answer lots of questions in detail to show that you are responsible and prepared INCLUDING how you will earn money after the trip is over
Write out a full itinerary and give it to them, tell them you’ve applied to the STEP program with the State Department so you’re safe. Maybe go with a friend the first time. Don’t book your flights before talking with them or they’ll be more angry. Tell them what you plan to do after the trip (even if you make something up). Explain WHY you want to go and show you have a purpose.
If they still won’t budge, you just have to stick to what your heart wants and DO IT ANYWAYS (sorry mom and dad). They will eventually come around. Lots of people will think you’re a b*tch for leaving home and making your family sad, and maybe we are, but you have to put yourself in a place you’re happy. Since all this, my parents have come to India to visit. If they did, then there’s hope for you all!
We live life so fast now. It's rare we slow down to savor the special moments, to freeze time for just a second to appreciate the different ways we spend time making memories and sharing new experiences, especially with our moms. I'm very lucky to live close to my mom and get to see her often. She's one of my favorite people to spend time with, and as we get older our relationship only gets stronger and more precious to me. Whether you live close to your mom or states away, here are 10 of my favorite ideas for spending quality, meaningful time with my mom—and you can use them, too.
1. Take a Weekly Walk and Talk
Walk and talks are basically exercising without realizing it. Getting out of the house, enjoying fresh air, and catching up with someone you care about can be a wonderful stress-reliever. You don't have to physically be with your mom to reap the benefits, either; just put your headphones in, give her a call, and chat about the week as you walk around your neighborhood.
Related: 9 Podcasts Hosted by Women That Will Totally Inspire You
2. Host a Party Together
You don't need a holiday or birthday to come up with an excuse to throw a party. My mom and I are always looking for unique reasons to co-host parties together. Not only will you create a fun experience for your guests, but you'll also create memories together as co-hosts. This year, try hosting an Oscar night viewing party, summer garden party, or cookie exchange party. Use your imagination to come up with a theme you both love.
3. Make a Family Scrapbook
My family has printed photos everywhere, mostly just sitting in boxes. Take time to go through pictures together and create scrapbooks of favorite childhood vacations, holiday memories, or school years. Combining photos of your mom's childhood with yours is another way to make this project extra special. How fun to see your mom's Santa photos next to yours! It's nice to have a creative project you can build upon slowly. Besides, it gives you even more excuses to get together and hang out.
4. Try Cooking a New Recipe
My family and I love to cook. We're big foodies, so testing new recipes together is always exciting to us. Think of all the recipes you have laying around your house that you keep meaning to make. Now's your chance! Select a couple to cook or bake with your mom each month (if you can't be together, you can even video chat each other while you cook and then dish about the results). If it's a keeper, add it to your family's rotation.
5. Plant a Garden
I love the idea of having plants and veggies growing out of quality time together. To this day, my mom still goes over and helps my grandma plant new flowers in her pots. Gardening together is something they bond over, and it's an activity you can share with your mom (or grandma) as well.
If your mom doesn't live nearby, you can create your own individual gardens with flowers that represent you both. For example, each of our gardens might have strawberries and peonies (for me) and hydrangeas (for her). It's also fun to compare tips, notes, and photos as they grow.
6. Take a Class
Learning a new skill together can spark creativity and encourage you both to take on a new challenge or bucket list item. Think of something you and your mom would be interested in learning together. You could take a cooking class to learn how to whip up a souffle or make the perfect vinaigrette. You could also take an art, yoga, or gardening workshop. Check out listings at your local community center or college for class descriptions and times.
7. Start a Book Club
I grew up with parents that passed their love of reading on to my sister and me, and we're constantly swapping books with each other. If this sounds like you and your mom, start your own club! Each month, decide on a book to read together and then go out for a happy hour or coffee to discuss it. Take turns choosing books (bonus points for seeking out different genres). You can even throw in a cookbook to inspire menu items for your next family get-together.
8. Go Wine Tasting
Head to a local winery, wine bar, or tasting room for a wine tasting outing in your city. No worries if you don't live near any; you can go to the grocery store, buy a couple of bottles of wine you've never tried, and taste away. Not into wine? Try it with beer or spirits instead.
9. Go Shopping—For Each Other
Even if you and your mom frequently shop together, it can be fun to switch things up with this little exercise. Let your mom pick out a few items she thinks you would like to add to your closet rotation, and vice versa. There's just one rule: you have to try them on no matter what. It'll be the ultimate test to determine whether or not mom really knows best!
10. Have a Staycation
I've lived in Seattle all my life and still love being a tourist in my own city. You can stay at different local hotels, bed and breakfasts, or rent a house in a city close to yours for a change of scenery. Or, if you prefer the comfort of your own home, camp out in pajamas all day and watch movies, try a new restaurant, go to a museum, but more importantly, rest and recharge together.
Changing up how you spend quality time with your mom can help you form new cherished memories, inside jokes, and experiences together. Who knows, maybe some of these ideas will even become new mother-daughter traditions!
Here’s the good news: Studying abroad is the ultimate investment in your future. And here’s the not-so-good news: It’s an investment that happens far away from parental guidance, so it might not be all that easy to convince your mom and dad to let you go forth and conquer foreign lands. However, traveling to another country to learn a language is also an experience very few other opportunities can match: The endeavor results in academic success and improved career prospects that are sprinkled with maturity and independence. Studying abroad is the gift that keeps on giving, and here’s how you sell it to your parents.
Prepare, prepare, prepare
First and foremost, you need to convince your parents that you take the whole adventure very seriously and that you have what it takes to study abroad: Get good grades in school, start learning the language in class or online, maybe cook something from the country or read books and watch movies. Your parents need to see that you’re super interested in the language and the culture and that you’re willing (and able) to put in the effort.
Present in the right way
Speaking of putting in the effort: What about doing lots and lots of research about the destination and the school and gathering all of that information in a beautiful presentation that will support all of your points so well that your parents will help you start packing immediately?
Mention the personal gains
Studying abroad and immersing in a new culture will help you become a well-rounded adult: Broadening your horizons is crucial these days and nothing screams global citizen more than traveling the world, gaining cross-cultural experience, and feeling at home in foreign countries. Learning how to adapt to a new environment will also help you become more mature and independent, and studying abroad basically puts you on the fast track to being a responsible young adult, which is pretty much your parents’ main goal anyway.
Bring up the academic benefits
Studying abroad will help you perform better academically : You’ll get higher grades, and some time away from home can help you start the school year refreshed and with a new focus. There’s probably nobody out there who will deny that getting through the school year with enthusiasm and good grades feels like the cherry on the academic cake.
Point out the professional growth
When it’s time to look for internships or jobs, having international experience can give you a competitive advantage over other applicants: Depending on the career , becoming fluent in another language can be the key to success. Plus, being bilingual can give you a higher salary, which means that you can spend more on presents for your parents. If all else fails and not even the prospect of piles of presents help, you can always hint that the sooner you’ll find a job, the sooner you’ll move out and your parents have their home to themselves.
Chip in like a boss
Nothing makes parents prouder than seeing that they’ve raised a self-reliant and financially savvy child. Show them that you’re ready to go the extra mile and offer to pay for some of the study abroad trip: Get a part-time job, work during your holidays, or help around the house to save a little cash that you can then invest in your future. If you also mention that you made a budget for the whole trip, your parents might have tears of joy in their eyes. #winning
Show them how you’ll stay safe
Your parents will probably be concerned about your safety: Show them that you’re taking their worries seriously and research emergency numbers, insurances, etc. If possible, remind them of all the measures the school takes – things like airport transfers or guided tours – to ensure everyone’s safety.
Promise them you’ll keep in touch
Up next is a valid point not only for your parents but your loved ones in general: You’ll experience so much in the weeks or months abroad, everyone’s who’s not with you will likely feel left out. Promise to call and text – or even better: Keep your parents and friends in the loop by setting everyone up with social media accounts.
Hint at the fact that they’ll get time off
Letting you study abroad comes with one small but important parental benefit: Your mom and dad will not only welcome back a well-rounded child with impressive language skills and a bright future ahead, but they’ll also get some time off while you’re away. Of course, parenting is a job for life, but we all deserve a little vacation every now and then, don’t we? Letting you study abroad is the ultimate win-win situation for the whole family.
Call attention to the whining
Depending on your determination and your parents’ resistance, making your case could take some time — time in which there could be tension and frustration. It’s probably not a good main argument, but maybe you can throw it in as a reminder: The sooner your parents realize what a fantastic idea letting you study abroad is, the sooner they’ll have their cheery and awesome child back.
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It's Friday night, and you're left wondering, "Can't we all just get along?!" No, you're not talking about the annoying frenemies of your crew—you're stressing about your BFFs and your parents. It can be tough if your family butts heads with your besties! But hey, it happens, and there are a handful of ways you can get your mom and dad to love your friends as much as you do without asking too much of them. Read on for all the need-to-know info!
You don't have to ditch your friends, but at least hear your parents out.
If your pals make you happy, then your dad's nay-saying or your mom's snide comments shouldn't change that. But if they think you're running with a dangerous crowd, you actually might be—at least according to their standards. For example, you're more likely to drive high when you're hanging with friends who experiment with drugs, so naturally they don't want you to be put in a dangerous situation. You need to listen to whatever worries your 'rents, but explain that you've learned the difference between right and wrong directly from them and feel confident you know what to do in sticky situations. That way, whether their judgment is superficial or not, you're reassuring them of your own level head.
And tell them what they need to know!
If your parents don't approve of your friendship, make it personal. Start casually mentioning reasons why that friend is so good for you. They may not like that your BFF gets bad grades, but if she's the one who stands up for you when you're picked on in class, she clearly has a positive effect on your life. If your best dude pal intimidates them because they don't want you two dating (even if you're totally platonic!), mention how you aced your Spanish quiz because he helped you review that tricky conjugation. By sharing how your friends directly impact your life for the better, your parents will have more to base their feelings off of.
Try to have your friends and parents connect on common ground.
Parents are judge-y! That's their job. They really, truly only want the best for you, and the more overprotective they are, the more they're gonna want your pals to be as bland as plain yogurt. No excitement = no risk! But if they do think your bestie is a wild child, try to have them see eye-to-eye on something, even if it isn't your friendship. Maybe your BFF is big into your dad's favorite baseball team, or your pal loves The Walking Dead as much as your mom does. Once they connect over a shared interest, a door's been opened for changing their opinion entirely.
Or go for quality bonding time.
Real talk: You ultimately need your parents to like your friends, or you're headed for endless conflict. Ask if you can invite the friend (or friends!) in question over for family dinner, and consider spending Saturday night hanging out in your basement instead of driving around town. Once your mom and dad see how well-behaved you guys are—and how wrong they were about their preconceived notions—they'll know your friends are just as great as you say they are. Think of this as the "show, don't tell" method—and trust us, it works.
It's OK if someone's wrong—even if you don't talk about it.
It's very possible that your parents will realize your friends are great—but don't expect them to say it out loud. It's not easy for anyone to admit they're wrong, so while you may not get a verbal acknowledgement, take pride in knowing that you helped them reach that conclusion on their own. And it goes both ways! Sometimes your parents will be completely correct, and you'll find out your friends didn't have your best interests at heart after all. You should never feel like you're so in over your head with your pals that you can't call your mom or dad to come pick you up or lean on them when you're in need. And breaking up with a bad friend? That's not too terrible either.
Talking to parents about sex stuff might feel awkward. But it can also be really helpful and bring you closer together. And it gets easier the more you do it.
How do I talk to my parents about sex?
For some people, it’s easy to talk to their parents about sex. Other families may not be very open about these topics. Either way, it’s normal to feel a little embarrassed or anxious about bringing up sex to the adults in your life. You might worry that your parents will be angry, disappointed, or upset if you ask about birth control or STDs. But you may be surprised: most of the time parents are glad you came to them, and that you’re being responsible about protecting your health.
Your parents were your age once, and know what it’s like to be a teenager. They probably already know a lot about sex, birth control, and STDs. Even if your parents don’t have all the answers, they can help you find ways to get the information you need, or find a nurse or doctor for you to talk to.
Your parents can also help you get birth control, STD testing, and other sexual health services like the HPV vaccine. But if you really don’t feel safe talking with your parents about this stuff, you may be able to see a doctor privately (depending on where you live).
Will my parents find out if I get birth control or STD testing?
Most of the time you don’t need a parent’s permission to get birth control or STD testing. Many states have special parental consent laws that protect your right to get sexual health services privately, even if you’re under 18. But laws are different in every state. There are certain places where the doctor’s office can contact your parent or guardian if you’re under 18. You can ask your doctor’s office or local health center about their privacy policies when you make an appointment.
If you use your parents’ health insurance to pay for your appointment or prescriptions, your family might get a statement in the mail that says what services you had. If you’re using someone else’s health insurance and don’t want them to know about your doctor’s visit, call the insurance company to find out about their privacy policies. The number is usually on the back of your insurance card (or you can ask your nurse or doctor).
You can also call your local Planned Parenthood health center to see if they can give you free or low cost birth control and/or STD testing, without using your parents’ insurance. And some states have special programs that allow teens to get their own private health insurance plan for birth control and STD services. Your local Planned Parenthood can help you with that, too.
Even if you’re worried about talking with your parents about birth control, it’s a good idea to ask for their help (as long as you feel safe). Parents usually just want to make sure you stay healthy and protected. And they may feel better about you getting sexual health services if they’re involved. Get more tips on talking to your parents about sex.
If you don’t feel like you can rely on your parent or guardian, talk with another trusted adult in your life — like an aunt or uncle, older brother or sister, counselor, or school nurse. And you can always call your local Planned Parenthood health center to get honest, private information about STDs and birth control.
It’s tempting to want to help your child through something tough, but they need time to learn on their own. Automatically taking the reins isn’t going to help them learn. Dr. Tovah Klein, Director of the Barnard Center for Toddler Development and author of How Toddlers Thrive, says, “It gives a clear message to the child of ‘I can’t do this, only the grown-ups know how to do it. It actually works against [building] confidence.”
This phrase may be okay to use when your tone is compassionate, but issues can arise if it comes off as angry or annoyed. “When a trusted adult—a person upon whom the child is dependent for everything—indicates that something is wrong with the child, a child will internalize this and believe it. They will ask themselves what is wrong with them—and they won’t be able to find the answer.” explains Karyl McBride, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. “They may rely on their limited life experience and knowledge, and likely come up with something that is wrong, and that can have a lasting effect. Sometimes it will be something quite broad, like, ‘I am not good enough,’ or, ‘I am a bad person.’ The devastation of these kinds of internalized messages can take a lifetime to get over, even with therapy,” she notes.
Going through some hard financial times? Do you best not to let the kids in on it. Dr. Brad Klontz, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Mind Over Money, told CBS News, “Don’t give them TMFI: too much financial information. We can’t involve them in things they’re powerless to do anything about. Laying that load on a child makes her anxious.”
In general, you should avoid using words like “always” and “never” when speaking to your child, because it can make them think they’re hopeless. “[Adults] love to rattle off quips like you’ll never, you won’t, you can’t, you always,” says Daniel Patterson, author of The Assertive Parent and founder of the Patterson Perspective.” [But] statements like these place children in a box of negativity or permanence—suggesting that they are always a certain way, and incapable or unexpected to improve.” Patterson adds that using the word “never” gives your child permission to never change, which isn’t what you want.
You don’t want to discourage your kid from trying hard, but reciting this popular line can cause them to feel a lot of pressure. “It sends the message that if you make mistakes, you didn’t train hard enough. I’ve seen kids beat themselves up, wondering, ‘What’s wrong with me? I practice, practice, practice, and I’m still not the best,'” says Joel Fish, Ph.D., author of 101 Ways to Be A Terrific Sports Parent.
When a child is upset, don’t be too quick to immediate pointing out that everything is “okay”—first, make sure they know their feelings are valid. “Your kid is crying because he’s not okay. Your job is to help him understand and deal with his emotions, not discount them,” says Jenn Berman, Psy.D., author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. “Try giving him a hug and acknowledging what he’s feeling by saying something like, ‘That was a scary fall.’ Then ask whether he’d like a bandage or a kiss (or both),” Berman suggests.
Of course, parents want their children to have big goals, and you want to encourage them in those aspirations. But at the same time, it’s not always smart to tell them they can be anything they want. As the Washington Post points out, studies have shown that going after overly-ambitious goals can be harmful, with significant negative side effects, like unethical behavior. Psychologist Erica Reishcher wrote, “Telling kids that they can do anything—whether fueled by imagination or hard work—obscures the critical role of chance in success. Not every child who wants to be a surgeon or sports star can become one, even if they work hard at it. At the same time, in every success story there is the grace of good fortune. As Nobel Laureate Daniel Kahneman puts it: ‘Success = Talent + Luck. Great success = A little more talent + A Lot of Luck.'”
“Telling a child that he or she is ‘too sensitive’ is common behavior among unloving, unattuned parents, since it effectively shifts the responsibility and blame from their behavior to the child’s supposed inadequacies. A young child doesn’t have the self confidence to counter this assertion and will assume that she’s done something wrong. She will often believe that her sensitivity is the problem and that, in turn, leads her to mistrust both her feelings and perceptions,” explains Peg Streep, author of Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. “It is highly damaging because there are numerous take-away lessons, such as: ‘What you feel doesn’t matter to me or anyone else,’ and, ‘The fault is yours because something is wrong with you.'”
If your child doesn’t want to leave their friend’s house or the park, it’s tempting to threaten them by saying, “I’m just going to leave you here then,” knowing it will probably get them to move. But Dr. L. Alan Sroufe, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Child Development, tells The Atlantic that doing this can make them feel less secure. It makes them believe you may not always be there to protect and take care of them, and the thought that you may leave them alone is very frightening.
With student accommodation rarely coming cheap, staying at home with the people who raised you is becoming an increasingly common option, with about 25 percent of young people aged 20-34 in the UK now living with their parents.
This so-called ‘boomerang generation’ (because they’ve returned home after initially moving away or going traveling) aren’t unique to the UK either. A similar survey conducted in Canada shows that roughly 42 percent of Ontario residents between the ages of 20 and 34 live at home.
Undoubtedly, there are both advantages and disadvantages to living with your folks, especially if you’re still studying and your university is close to home. If you’re considering living with mum and dad as an option, consider the following pros and cons first.
It gives you more time to figure out what you want to do with your life
One of the greatest perks of living at home is the luxury of having the time to sit and think extensively about your career decisions. You can take your time to get to the bottom of what motivates you and to work out the steps you need to take to get the job you actually want.
Conversely, when you live on your own, there’s less time to do all of this as you have to think on your feet. This often results in you being more flexible about the career decisions you make, rather than holding out for something truly special.
You can save a big chunk of money
The sky-high cost of renting in many cities popular with students is one of the biggest factors likely to influence your decision to stay at home, particularly if mum and dad will let you stay there rent-free.
Saving on rent and food until you find your dream job or work out what you’re doing with your life is a great advantage of living at home during uni. Not to mention, you’ll save yourself a ton of time by not having to think about household chores as much as you would if you lived alone or with other messy, undisciplined students.
You can focus more on your studies
Obviously, not being burdened by concerns such as cooking and cleaning leaves plenty of room for long, uninterrupted study sessions. You’re also much less likely to be distracted by flatmates asking you to come out for a few drinks the night before your deadline.
You can easily fall into the comfort zone trap
Being in the comfort of your parent’s home is both a blessing and a curse. While it’s great to live rent-free and be catered for, it can stifle your ability to spread your wings and fly the family nest one day.
Rob, a 28-year-old personal trainer from London, said this about moving back home: “Treat it as a safety net, but don’t get comfy – it’s not a hammock. Use it as a base to build up to a point that you can take the first step towards your independence and keep your focus on that goal.”
You’ll have to deal with the social stigma of living with your parents
Yes, brace yourself for silent judging every now and then. Even though a large number of students do stay home, there’s a prevailing belief that you haven’t made it as a grown-up yet if you still live with your folks.
You’ll be a bit behind in the race to be independent and self-reliant
Students at your university who aren’t living at home will probably get a head start on you when it comes to being more independent as they’ll be getting first-hand experience of adulting. By comparison, you’ll be starting from scratch when you do eventually move out.
Your privacy will be compromised
Not only will your privacy be compromised, but you’ll also be provided with abundance of unsolicited advice on how to live your life.
You’ll be more prone to feel homesick when you finally leave home
The more time we spend in our childhood home, the more attached we become to it and the harder it gets to break the ‘umbilical cord’ connecting you to your parents. People who fly the nest at an earlier age tend to adapt faster because they don’t have the memory of spending most of their adult life with mum and dad and they were forced to quickly form attachments to new places and people.
You’ll be more inclined to boomerang back home in the future
The hidden trap of any prolonged stay at the parents‘ home as an adult child is that it can make you feel way too comfortable. Of course, it’s really nice and a privilege many millennials can’t afford – to be able to return somewhere when things go awry. But even this privilege won’t be there forever and the sooner you can become self-reliant, the better it will be for you.
Katarina Matisovska writes for Inspiring Interns, which specialises in finding candidates their perfect internship. To browse our graduate jobs, visit our website.
This article was originally published in March 2018 . It was last updated in November 2021
Convincing parents to let you travel alone is generally hard, but asking as a brown girl is even worse. I was triggered to write this post because my Pakistani/Muslim co-worker recently told me that her 19-year-old twin brother got to travel across Europe with his friends but she could never imagine her parents letting her out past 9 pm.
Generally, things are different in households that come from immigrant/conservative backgrounds. In a traditional South Asian family, the normal flow of life for a woman follows the study, graduate, work in a good company, marry, have kids, and then retire course. When I first told my mom about going on a long-term trip to Brazil at 19, she was convinced I would get swept under the drug and prostitution wave of Rio. In short, she thought I was leaving the culture completely.
So if you’re in the same boat I was (and still am), I can understand your anxiety and want to try my best to help!
There are a number of reasons why any immigrant parent would refuse their daughter to travel. Some parents genuinely do not understand why you’d want to visit a place similar to what they left when you already live a comfortable life in the West.
Fortunately, no matter what culture, parental concerns seem to follow a universal pattern. With the help of this post, I’m sending you all the positive energy to initiate the conversation. Besides, if I could convince my “strict” mama, so can you.
- Convince yourself
Are you sure you want to go? Do you feel comfortable outside your comfort zone? If you’ve set your mind, then only can you move forward to the next steps.
- Do research on the country, culture, and communication
Before you even think about asking your parents, Google your way through every detail of the trip. Everything from places to stay, to things to do, to visa, and insurance.
- Build your Responsibility Resume (RR)
Nothing says responsible more than having a plan to fund your own trip. Finance is also a parent’s major concern so when you find a way to take care of it for yourself, it’s a big plus. Sell some stuff, cut down on all-you-can-eat sushi, and pick up a part-time job.
- Get a sibling/aunty on board
I think this is the most important advice I can give you. Before I asked my parents, I took it up with my older sister. My mom, as anticipated from the Pakistani dramas she watched, freaked out. But my sister was there to reinforce that I wasn’t a monster and nor was she a bad mother because her daughter wanted to travel.
- Set the stage
Make some tea, put on some old school B-town music in the background, and make mama feel comfortable. We all have the “less strict” parent so it’s best to consolidate them first. Let them break it to the other, or aid you to do it later.
- Let them know there is someone to look out for you
If you give them a name of a friend or a relative or an organization (internships and studying abroad is best), they will be more prone to let you go knowing you’re in reliable hands. Side note: I advise that your first solo trip be in a place where you know someone. I don’t say this because I don’t think you can make it on your own, I say this because brown parents worry, a lot. When you’ve built the trust in your RR, then roam far and wide.
- Show them your WELL DETAILED plans
This is the time to whip out your research from the prior steps and rebuttal all of their stereotypes with cold hard facts.
- Show examples of family remembers/role models who have done similar trips
Just like your mom raves about your goodie-two shoe cousin Mariam to you, show them the women that dared to do bigger things: whether it be your relatives, your friends, or people in your community.
- Be respectful
It’s in the parent manual to overreact and say no. Be prepared for that answer. Listen to them respectfully. I have a problem with getting really emotional and taking it extremely personally. Don’t be me. You being rude or defensive will discredit the RR you worked so hard to develop.
- Ask again
Persistence is the name of the game. You have to prove how much you want this. Ask why they feel this way and find a solution for it. Example: you can’t cook, what will you eat? Tell them you are willing to learn. Cook for them. Show them some restaurants in the area you’ll be staying in.
If they still say no, compromise. You wanted to go for 3 months, agree on 6 weeks. If they don’t feel you’re ready this year, agree on another time. Your parents will see how much you want this and they’ll say yes eventually. Keep improving your RR until then. Spend better, get better grades, come home early, cook on weekends, etc.
- Promise to stay in touch
They just want to know you’re alive. Text them at every possible time you get wifi. It’s annoying but you have you. Trust me, you’ll miss them and you’ll want to after some time. Send pictures, introduce your new friends on FaceTime, tell them about your routine and how much you’re learning. Let them feel relieved that they made the right decision to let you go.
Don’t be upset at your parents if they do not agree. Nothing is impossible, even a brown parent’s no.
After writing this I realize you can interchange a lot of above with asking your parents to let you marry a white guy. If that’s what you were looking for, you’re welcome. Anyways, don’t tell them you got this advice from me.
Questions to ask yourself before running away
- Will I be safe?
- Where will I go?
- Who will help if I get in trouble?
- How will I get by?
If you have already run away or if you have been kicked out of your home, we want you to know your rights as a runaway in Maine.
Can I be arrested?
- NO. You cannot be arrested, fingerprinted or put in jail for running away from home if you live in Maine. Every state is different.
- The police can take you into what is called “interim care” for up to 6 hours. This is NOT an arrest. The police officer will decide if they will take you into “interim care.” They do not have to.
- If you are in a safe place, like a friend’s house and your friend’s parents agree you can stay there, the officer may let you stay there while you make a plan for your future.
- If the officer thinks you are not safe and takes you into “interim care,” they must call your parent or guardian and DHHS. The police can ask your parents to take you home only if you and your parents agree to you going home. If you do not agree, the police must take you to where DHHS says you should go.
- Sometimes the police will bring you home even though you told them you do not agree. If that happens, call Kids Legal (866) 624-7787.
What happens if DHHS is called?
- It depends on why you have left your home. A DHHS worker may come out and meet with you. They may call your parents. They may do nothing. They may offer you short-term emergency services.
- If the DHHS worker thinks you will get hurt if you go home, they may try to get a court order. The court order would put you in DHHS custody. This means DHHS would make decisions for you and decide where you should live. Your parents would not have the right to make decisions for you while you are in DHHS custody.
- If you are in DHHS custody, DHHS needs to develop a plan to help you and your family work things out so you can go back home and be safe, or make a permanent safety plan for you outside of your parents’ home.
Can an adult I am staying with be arrested?
- In Maine, there is no crime of “harboring a minor.”
- If an adult is letting you stay with them so you are not on the streets AND you can leave their home at any time (they are not keeping you there), then no law is broken. The adult should not be arrested.
- Every state is different. So, do not cross state lines. The adult and/or you can get in trouble if you leave Maine.
Are there places I can go for help?
YES, there are shelters, “drop-in” centers, and homeless youth outreach programs:
, Knox, Waldo, Lincoln, Sagadahoc counties, North Haven, Vinalhaven, Islesboro Islands: (207) 596-0359 , 38 Preble Street, Portland: (207) 874-1197 , 755 Main Street, Westbrook: (207) 854-2800 , 135 College Street, Lewiston: (207) 795-4070 (services and support for youth and adults in Cumberland and York counties): (877) 429-6884, (207) 523-5049 , 343 Cumberland Avenue, Portland: (207) 774-1197 , 136 Union Street, Bangor: (207) 941-2874
If I am at a shelter, does the shelter have to tell my parents I am there?
- That depends. A shelter is there to try to keep you safe
- Normally, a shelter must try to contact your parents within 3 hours of when you show up to spend the night. If your parents cannot be reached, the shelter will send a letter to them the next day. The shelter will call DHHS if they cannot find your parents.
- The shelter will not call your parents if you believe your parents may hurt you. They will make a referral to DHHS instead. If you do not want your parents to know where you are, you can ask that your parents not be told. You must ask for this in writing. You can only make this request the first three nights you are at the shelter. After that, the shelter can call your parents. Work with shelter staff to make a safety plan for your future.
Can I get my stuff from home?
- That depends. Even though you use things at home, like your furniture, computer, tv, and phone, they may not be yours. Most things are probably not yours.
- If your parents bought the property you use and it was not a gift to you, then the property belongs to your parents. You do not have a right to take it.
- Anything that you bought, even if it was from allowance or gift money, is yours. Anything that was a gift to you, like a tv for your birthday, is yours. You have the right to take your property.
- If your parents will not let you take it, you can contact the police to report it as stolen or have an adult file a small claims case on your behalf for the return of your property.
Can I get medical care without my parents?
YES. You can get treatment for:
- Family Planning
- Sexually Transmitted Diseases
- Substance Abuse
- Mental Health
Also, if you have not been getting any support from your parents for the last 60 days, you can be treated for any condition without your parent’s permission. The medical provider you go to will decide if they will treat you. If you get treatment, your parents cannot be notified. If your parents try to find out why you went for treatment, the doctor cannot tell them unless you sign a release form. You are responsible for paying for the appointment unless you have MaineCare or health insurance that will pay for it. There are homeless health clinics you can go to as well.
Can I get MaineCare (health coverage) and Food Stamps?
YES. If you do not live with your parents, you can apply for MaineCare and for Food Stamps. Go to the local DHHS office. You can also go to your local food pantry and/or soup kitchen.