By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Aug 24, 2021
When it comes to love, actions often speak louder than words. And sometimes, the different types of kisses someone gives you can speak the loudest.
Sure, there are people who love spending their time sitting around and talking about each and every one of their feelings, but those folks tend to be the exception and not the rule.
How can you tell if a guy loves you by his kiss?
By and large, if you’re trying to figure out how a guy feels about you, understanding his kissing style can offer some insight into what’s going on in the deepest parts of his heart.
Kissing causes a chemical reaction in your brain, including a burst of the hormone oxytocin, often referred to as the “love hormone” because it stirs up feelings of affection and attachment. According to a 2013 study, oxytocin is particularly important for helping men bond with a partner and stay monogamous.
And even better, once you know the meaning behind the types of kisses explained below, you’ll have a new vocabulary through which you and the person you love can communicate.
Here’s a look at 12 common types of kisses and what each of them mean to a guy.
1. Kisses on the lips.
What this type of kiss means: He truly values your love.
A quick, pretty dry, often closed-mouthed kiss is the way a man in a loving relationship says hello or goodbye.
If he kisses you like this at home where no one can see, it’s a sign you’ve become a valued part of his routine and his life. If he kisses you like this in public, it’s proof to you and to the world that he’s serious about where your relationship is going.
2. Kisses on the top of your head.
What this type of kiss means: He wants to take care of you.
When a man kisses you on the top of your head, it means he’s feeling protective of you. It means he couldn’t help himself, he had to stop what he was doing and let you know that he cares about you, that he loves sharing space with you, and that you mean the world to him.
This kissing style is sweet, fond, and nurturing.
3. Kisses on your hand.
What this type of kiss means: He’s kind of a flirt.
If a man kisses your hand, you can be sure of a few things, the first of which is that he is extremely confident and a little bit of a showman. It takes courage to kiss a woman on the hand if you aren’t a member of some European royal family.
A man who kisses you on the hand is all about performance. This doesn’t mean his feelings for you aren’t genuine, but you should probably prepare yourself, as you’re about to be courted big time.
4. Kisses on the inside of your wrist.
What this type of kiss means: It’s about to get seriously sexy in here.
If a man kisses the inside of your wrist, you can be sure of the fact that the only thing keeping him from ripping off all of your clothes is the fact that you are out in public.
When he kisses you on the inside of your wrist, he’s telling you that he knows the way a woman’s body works and that he isn’t afraid to put that knowledge to good use. It’s even hotter if he maintains eye contact while doing it.
5. Kisses on your neck.
What this type of kiss means: He has strong romantic feelings for you.
This kind of kiss is excellent, provided the man you are dating is not a vampire.
A kiss on the neck is a romantic overture. If he kisses you on the neck, he’s telling you that he wants you and he wants you now without saying a word — and it’s super effective.
6. Kisses with tongue.
What this type of kiss means: He’s totally smitten with you.
When a man French kisses you, especially when he uses his hands to cup your face, whether he knows it or not, he’s revealing just how smitten he has become with you.
We tend to associate French kissing with our teenage years and hours of making out. This kissing style is his way of showing you just how attracted to you he is.
7. Kisses on the cheek.
What this type of kiss means: He’s just not that into you.
A kiss on the cheek is the total opposite of a kiss with tongue. In many respects, if the man kissing you on the cheek in the one you want to be kissing you with tongue, being kissed on the cheek is worse than him offering to shake your hand.
A man kissing you on the cheek is telling you that he cares about you, but never ever wants to see you naked and he’s not even make out with you.
8. Kisses by your eye.
What this type of kiss means: He truly appreciates you.
When a man kisses you by the eye, it might seem strange. And fair enough. The eye is not typically considered an erogenous zone.
But you might enjoy knowing that when a man kisses you by your eye, he’s telling you that he loves you and the way you see the world. It’s a gesture of love and appreciation he feels so keenly he’s got to express it, even if it seems a little silly. He does this because he wants you to know that you are loved and adored.
9. Kisses on your forehead.
What this type of kiss means: He loves you for more than just your body.
A man kissing you on the forehead can be strange because it can read as a tad paternal, and there may be something to that on a certain level. When he kisses you on the forehead he’s telling you he will be there for you and he wants to protect you. He’s also telling you that he loves all of you, not just your body.
A forehead kiss is basically a kiss on the brain.
10. Kisses on your stomach.
What this type of kiss means: He’s comfortable with you.
- How to Find Out If Your Boyfriend Has Cheated
- How to Get Over Your Husband’s Affair
- Signs That Your Husband Is Cheating With a Man
- Signs That Your Boyfriend Is Not Interested in You
- How to Deal With Divorce & a Suicidal Husband
You’re at a fun party enjoying yourself with many good friends when you suddenly notice your husband flirting with an attractive woman. If his behavior devastates you and you allow your emotions to control you, the rest of your evening will be ruined. Furthermore, your interactions with your husband are bound to be unpleasant. However, if you can control your feelings and put things into perspective, you’ll control your reaction, salvage the remainder of the evening and continue to have a good time.
Reflect upon your own behavior. If you were ignoring your husband or flirting with other men, it’s possible his behavior was a response to yours. Perhaps his flirting fills a need your husband has to be reassured he’s still attractive. Keep the romance alive in your marriage by finding ways to flirt with him yourself.
Try to assess your husband’s role in the incident objectively. Determine whether he was flirting or if the woman was controlling the situation and doing the flirting, while he sat and smiled.
Analyze the seriousness of the flirting. If it was brief and consisted only of smiles and laughter, your husband might not be so guilty. While you can expect to feel jealous in certain situations, jealous can sometimes be rooted in personal insecurity. Ask yourself, or your friends, if it’s possible that your feelings of jealousy are more about you than your husband’s behavior. If, however, the flirting was overt, lasted much of the evening and included physical touching, your jealousy is justified and you should deal with it.
Temper your response with what you know about your husband. If he’s been faithful to you for years, is great with the kids, considerate, generous and attentive toward you, it might be easier to forgive the flirting. If, however, he falls short in these areas, you may need to interpret the flirting differently. You might be justified feeling a sense of betrayal if a strong foundation of trust is missing in your relationship.
Choose a time when you can speak calmly and let your husband know how hurt you feel. Explain why his flirting causes you pain. Making “I” statements that explain your emotions helps you make your point. Statements that start with “you” are more confrontational and might result in your husband becoming defensive rather than remorseful.
Consider giving your husband an ultimatum if the behavior continues after you’ve discussed the matter and he promised not to do it again. Tell him you are not willing to subject yourself to an embarrassing and stressful situation and that you’ll leave the event immediately and alone if you catch him flirting in the future. Be prepared to follow through if necessary.
*Cue Magic Mike stripping music*. Firstly, slowly slip your top off of both shoulders whilst maintaining eye contact with your partner as you allow it to drop to the ground. Next, flick your hair and give him a cheeky wink as you up the anti and start frantically ripping items of clothing off until you are standing there in all your naked glory. Sounds liberating and sexy right? No, wrong! The first time you strip in front of your partner it can be daunting, awkward and very unsexy as you hop around trying to get your sock off of your left foot. Not everybody is body confident and comfortable with being naked in front of their partner, so below I have prepared a list of helpful tips of how to prepare to be naked in front of your partner for the first time.
1. Tan baby tan.
Everybody feels better with a tan right? There is nothing worse than stripping to reveal an uneven or blotchy skin tone to rival Casper the friendly ghost. Have a cheeky sunbed, use a tinted moisturiser or apply fake tan- use whatever method works for you to help get a healthy, sun kissed glow and a flawless body complexion. This will allow you to feel confident in front of your partner when wondering how to prepare to be naked!
2. Dim the lights.
Okay so of course your partner wants to see your body, that is the whole point of the big reveal, but if the thought of bright lighting makes you go like a deer caught in headlights, then switch the lights down to a lower intensity. This will also help create a sexy, mysterious atmosphere to get you both in the mood. Or better still, switch the lights off completely and allow your partner to ‘see you’ for the first time using their hands instead!
3. Get active.
No woman would admit to loving every inch of their body. We all have our hang ups and our little insecurities. The key to getting undressed in front of your partner for the first time is to come to terms with, and try to target, those areas you are not satisfied with to allow you to exude confidence in front of your partner. Don’t ever feel pressured to lose weight but a little tone up won’t hurt whether that be through eating healthier or exercising a little more.
4. Dress to impress.
Bury your tattered bra with the holes in to the back of your wardrobe. Banish your knickers that have faded to an unhealthy grey to the rubbish. Invest in some new underwear to make yourself feel special, it doesn’t have to be anything fancy but have some fun with it, wear something that will reflect your personality (I have developed an unhealthy obsession with floral bralets). Or for men, whip out your lucky boxers or the ones that really accentuate what you have to offer! When wondering about how to prepare to be naked, this is one of the best tips!
Wondering how to prepare to be naked? The best way is through communication. Chances are, your partner is just as nervous to undress in front of you, as you are to dress in front of them. Express your anxieties and fears out loud. Your partner is with you for a reason, they love you and no doubt find you irresistible so they will want to make you feel at ease and to take away any pressure.
6. Prep prep prep.
Before getting with my current partner I had got a bit lazy when it came to self grooming after my ex- it got to the stage where I resembled the female version of Chewbacca! My advice would be to shave the places you feel comfortable shaving (experimenting with different shapes in your lady garden can be particularly fun) and then moisturise to leave your skin feeling silky smooth to the touch.
7. Stay in the moment.
When getting naked in front of your partner for the first time, it is important to engage with the moment. Don’t be tempted to go into your own head and overthink the situation. You need to remember what is important- the end goal of getting undressed is to reach a new level of intimacy with your partner. Keep your attention focused on them to distract yourself from what you are actually doing.
8. Remember size isn’t everything.
Women are often self-conscious about the size of their boobs, whether they are too small, too big, or whether one is bigger than the other (which is very common FYI). Whereas men might be anxious about the size of their penis (it’s a grower not a shower I was once informed). But in all honesty, it doesn’t matter. Women, the important thing to remember is that boobs are beautiful regardless of size and also very sensitive so as soon as your partner touches them, your mind will definitely begin to relax and your worries will go out the window. Men, the important thing to remember is the size of your penis doesn’t matter, but how you put it to good use!
So there you have it, a non-exhaustive list to help you prepare to be naked in front of your partner for the first time. Do you have any more tips on how to prepare to be naked? If so, answer in the comment section below.
Featured Image Source: www. Pinterest.com
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My name is Nicole Brownfield and I am 20 years old. I am studying English Literature and going into my 3rd and final year of Queen Mary University, London in September. I am currently the Editor-In-chief of my University magazine ‘CUB’ and my dream is to pursue a career in journalism after I graduate. I love living in London and am obsessed with sourcing out food and drink places, as well as exploring the parts of London I have never been to before. My boyfriend and I have recently turned pescatarian and this symbolises my goal to constantly keep bettering myself and to stay healthy and disciplined. Every day I try and achieve something as I want to look back and be proud of the life I have lived, and to make my family proud too.
Guys can be very complicated creatures. It’s their supposed simplicity that makes their complicated nature so frustrating. Men love to talk about how they are so simple and how women are so incredibly complicated, but the opposite tends to be true. When a guy friend of yours does some odd, romantic gesture, it can leave you wondering if something has changed or if you’re misreading the signs. And what are the signs anyway?
So what do those suddenly more-than-friendly gestures actually mean? The answer to that is totally up in the air and could be one of several options. In order to try and figure out what the hell they are trying to pull, or whether they’re even attempting to pull anything, I’ve tried my tried and true method of getting answers; field research. Lots and lots of research.
The best method for finding out exactly what is on their minds is to ask. No, I didn’t wait for ten years to find enough guys blowing kisses and ask them what they were thinking. I simply called every guy I knew and ask them what it would mean to them to blow a kiss at a girl. Their answers were all over the map. In order to have that information in your head for future reference, here they are for your reading pleasure.
1. He is saying that you’re his best girl friend and he loves you dearly. This is a strictly platonic friend and generally one that you know very well. If you’ve been hanging out for years, an over the top gesture such as this really means nothing new. He’s just showing you that you’re near and dear to his heart and he wants to keep you around for a while.
2. Your social circle is blowing kisses to each other right now and he is just doing like everyone else. This one should be common sense because you’ll notice that he’s blowing kisses to everyone and not just you.
3. It could be something he saw and thinks looks cool so now he’s doing it to make himself seem more attractive. If this is the case, he’ll soon move on to some other visual calling card. Don’t worry about this guy because he’s just trying too hard to be a player.
4. It could be a cultural difference in communication. Perhaps his culture sees blowing kisses as something different, or more common than Americans do. Each culture has its own characteristics and common actions so it’s important to take into account his upbringing when you’re trying to decipher his motives.
5. He is gay and is blowing you kisses in his way of saying “bye doll! Love you!” You’ve probably already gotten all of this on your own by now, but if you’re unsure, just do it back and see how he reacts. This guy is most likely your best friend, so don’t make something out of nothing.
6. He is naturally flirtatious and bubbly and likes to be playful with everyone. If he’s blowing kisses and winking at every girl that looks his way, then he’s not meaning anything by it. He just has a whole lot of personality and it’s leaking out in different areas.
7. He is flirting with you in his own way which is normally in the form of an inside joke. If you’ve recently told him that you think people blowing each other kisses is ridiculously corny, then he’s using it to flirt with you without a whole lot of prompt and circumstance.
The next time you find yourself trying to decipher what his motives are when he does something crazy like throwing an air kiss your direction, you should have a little more of an idea what about to think of their actions. It could be anything from a simple friendly gesture, to a serious flirtation that is screaming his interest at you. The real question is how you feel.
If you’re getting butterflies about the possibility of him flirting, then you need to evaluate that feeling and discover what to do about it. If his blowing kisses makes you feel sick to your stomach, follow your instincts girl! They are there for a reason and they are almost always right. In fact, they are always right to some degree.
If you’re feeling like you’re interested in him, then smile and wink at him the next time he looks your way. Let him know you’re interested because men really suck at reading minds and body language. Your signals will largely go unnoticed and uninterpreted unless you get drastic. If all else fails, just tell him exactly how you feel and give him a clue. Be sure that you know exactly what you’re expecting from the relationship so that you don’t get caught off guard or burned.
Made to Love You
About Your Boyfriend
Your Boyfriend is obsessive, possessive, unstable, violent and desperate to show how much he loves you in his own twisted way. So be careful when interacting with him.
Your Boyfriend is a dating simulator, a tale about you and a strange man who is is deeply in love with you, willing to go through great lengths to prove how much you mean to him. Even if you don’t want anything to do with this man…
Not for audiences who are easily disturbed, squeamish or triggered. Game contains subjects like stalking, kidnapping, self harm and suicide. Your Boyfriend is intended for audiences 18+.
Get Days 1, 2, & 3 (Beta)
To play Days 1, 2, & 3 (Beta) please become a Patreon of Inverted Mind INC. Patrons receive updated builds as they’re released exclusively on Patreon.
Note: While we at BlackShepherdGames are good friends with Fuboo of Inverted Mind INC., “Your Boyfriend” is her creation, and we’re essentially hired guns to make her vision a reality. While we are grateful for a tip to our own Patreon page, your support of Inverted Mind INC. is what keeps the project growing. While we can provide updates in our Discord on the status of the project, and even stream the development in the BSG Discord, we have a gentlemen’s agreement that Full Versions of “Your Boyfriend” (days 1, 2, 3, and beyond) are exclusive to Inverted Mind INC.’s Patreon followers.
Our apologies for any confusion.
Download the “Day 1” Demo
Disclaimer: Your Boyfriend contains adult themes involving strong language, sexual situations, stalking, and violence. You must be 18+ to download.
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Decryption Key: 3y-t7oGo9RjpyX1NH7978qjS0RDqrmVjJh53lK0048M
Decryption Key: 1J-YOGyCvEItQXPeCdBb0ofKAT1yMtKXl4Xz39lP7xc
Important Update!! Players and Merch
So, Your Boyfriend got popular and I’m doing my best to handle the sudden burst of supporters. There’s a couple things we need to make clear first…
Early Build Development Stream
LaughingMan and The Fuboo stream an early build of the Your Boyfriend Demo to their respective Black Shepherd Games and Inverted Mind Inc fanbases on a Twitch stream. Like anything when LaughingMan has an audience, it quickly goes off the rails to be one of the funniest recordings in recent memory.
Support Your Boyfriend
DAYS 1 AND 2 FOR MAC – 03/30/2022
- The Mac build of Days 1 and 2 is entering release. Visit Inverted Mind Inc’s Patreon for more information and access!
UPDATES! – 01/17/2022
- Better Mac support! New Mac demo available, and a Mac release coming soon.
UPDATES! – 12/29/2021
- Your Boyfriend has been fully reprogrammed from the ground up to be more efficient, faster, and tighter
- We’ve brought aboard a new partner to help with MacOS and Linux builds. No plans yet for Android or Apple mobile, but it is an option we are considering
- Day 3 (Beta) has been in continual development these past several months. Patches include, but are not limited to:
- Expanded story paths
- New artwork
- New voices
- New anti-piracy measures have been implimented
- Various bug fixes regarding some potential game crashes and input errors (Lemur?)
- General grammatical fixes
DAY 3 (BETA) RELEASE – 08/27/2021
- Day 3 (Beta) has been released on Fuboo’s Patreon. Frequent updates inbound!
DEMO UPDATES – 06/27/2021
- Fixed a broken story path
- Fixed a path incorrectly triggered by the use of an Easter Egg
- MacOS and Linux Demo prototypes are live. The MacOS version requires a work-around, and the Linux version needs further testing
- Demos moved off-site for faster downloads
PATCH UPDATE – 05/13/2021
- Day 1 and 2 + the Day 1 Demo have all received another patch to fix a few grammatical issues, story beats, and includes more artwork.
- We usually patch something once a month, but this one deserves attention and redownloads.
DAY 2 and DAY 1 DEMO V0.5 – 10/31/2020
- Day 1 and 2 have been released for Halloween
- Day 2 includes new art, characters, backgrounds, and branching paths from the choices in Day 1
- Includes edits and expansions to the base Day 1
- New screen resizing options and in-game options
- Download from Fuboo’s Patreon
V0.4 “FULL DAY 1” Beta – 09/13/2020
- HUGE upgrades
- The Patreon Exclusive “Day 1” release is now the Your Boyfriend Demo!
- Updated Unity to 2019.4.8f1
- Updated Fungus to v3.13.4
- New background artwork by BlasticHeart
- Additional Script Editing
- Expanded Day 1 story and story routes
- Lots of “easter eggs”
V0.3 Beta – 09/19/2019
- Made corrections to the Restart Game option at the end of the demo.
- Endings are more accessible on multiple replays.
- Cleared out redundant code.
- Updated Unity to v2019.2.51f
- Updated Fungus engine to v3.11.5
- Linux version released
Before you can deal with them, you have to deal with this.
- The Importance of Forgiveness
- Find a therapist near me
Most people in a close relationship enter into it with every intention of being faithful to each other. Over time, though, even the most committed of partners may find themselves attracted to someone else. Even without anything being wrong in a relationship, a third party may come along to throw it into at least temporary chaos.
One of the ways that partners can become tempted to stray occurs when such a third party becomes the interloper. Perhaps you’re at a wedding reception, seated with a mutual friend of the couple when that friend starts a little one-on-one with your partner, leaving you out of the conversation entirely. It gets a little embarrassing, if not irritating, when your partner and this new person continue to carry on an intense conversation from course to course. They hardly take heed of the rest of the table, much less you. Although you can’t hear exactly what they’re saying, it seems as though things are getting pretty personal. You hear your name mentioned and the friend takes a quick look at you. They then get back into the conversation, more deeply than ever.
The longer this goes on, the more irritated you feel, and the less able you are to enjoy what is supposed to be a happy occasion. You know it’s ridiculous to be jealous, because all they’re doing is talking. However, you sense that your partner is flattered by this stranger’s attention. There’s laughter and giggles, and the wait staff liberally pouring bubbly only makes things worse as far as you’re concerned.
No one can deny that it’s ego-boosting when someone treats you as if you’re funny, sexy, and intelligent. However, when your partner is the recipient of this attention, and it’s not from you, the effect can be jarring. You never thought of yourself as a jealous person, and you know you can trust your partner, so why should this upset you? Are you really that insecure? Or is your partner really so bored or unhappy with you that anyone else seems like a better companion?
One might argue that sometimes it’s good to challenge your assumptions about your partner. Taking each other for granted can be the first in a series of steps toward dissatisfaction if not dissolution. When you see your partner in the reflected admiration of a stranger, perhaps it’s a wake-up call that you need to stop being so complacent. The jealousy you feel might even inspire you to do some of your own counter-flirting, as it were, to “win” your partner back.
Let’s move to considering what happens when your jealousy has a more realistic basis: A third person comes along to tempt your partner away, and succeeds. Your partner has now been truly unfaithful to you, and there’s no question about the legitimacy of your feelings of betrayal. Even though your partner didn’t initiate the affair, it’s happened, and so as much as you may blame the third party, it’s hard not to assign some of the blame to your partner.
University of South Alabama psychologist Keri Johns and co-authors tackled the question of how partners can learn to overcome feelings of blame and betrayal, and move on to forgiveness. The subject of their research was infidelity in general, not the effects of being the victim of a third party’s influence over your partner. However, their approach can prove helpful in understanding how to manage the consequences of this variant of betrayal.
- The Importance of Forgiveness
- Find a therapist near me
The researchers divided forgiveness into positive and negative dimensions: In positive forgiveness, you look at the event and your partner without feeling angry or resentful. In negative forgiveness, or “unforgiveness,” you’re looking for vengeance, and your emotional life is filled with turmoil. In other words, negative forgiveness isn’t forgiveness at all; it’s the absence of the ability to give your partner another chance.
Part of what will influence your ability to engage in positive forgiveness is the nature of the infidelity: Eventually, you should be able to get over that harmless (if still annoying) conversation that occurred throughout the wedding reception. You may place your blame on the nosy busybody intervening in your enjoyment of the evening rather than your partner, who was just the more-or-less innocent bystander trying to be polite. It will be particularly easy for you to do so if your partner apologizes and seems genuinely sorry. The actual affair, by contrast, will present more of a challenge to your ability to engage in positive forgiveness.
Forgiveness Essential Reads
What Happens When You Blame Your Partner and How to Stop
32 Reasons People Forgive Their Partners’ Infidelity
To conquer negative forgiveness, or the inability to get over the infidelity, requires considerably more effort, according to Johns et al. They propose that in these cases, you can successfully pave the path to forgiveness with mindfulness—the ability to be aware of, and even accept, your negative emotions:
“[A] mindful individual might experience the emotions and mood states associated with a negative event, such as infidelity, in a more observant, equanimous, and objective perspective, as well as in a more self-compassionate and less avoidant manner” (p. 1463).
In other words, you can forgive your partner—and also forgive yourself for having these feelings—by admitting to and eventually confronting them. You also don’t need your partner to apologize. Through mindfulness, you can be more compassionate, empathic, and accepting of negative emotions.
Through an online survey, the research team administered questionnaires to measure general mindfulness tendencies and forgiveness in 94 participants (49% male, average age 42 years old), who stated they had been victims of infidelity. Not all of the findings supported the researchers’ predictions, but there was evidence that some aspects of mindfulness—such as being aware of your actions and nonjudgmental about your inner feelings—were related to greater levels of forgiveness. Being able to observe without reacting to negative emotions also seemed to benefit the forgiveness of betrayal.
To sum up, when your partner is the “victim” of flirtation, it might be best to acknowledge your feelings of irritation or jealousy rather than try to suppress them. As tempting as it may be to blame your partner, this might not be the most productive strategy. Innocent flirtations can remain just that as long as you don’t allow your own anger to fan the flames of your partner’s, and your, annoyance. In more serious cases of betrayal, as difficult as it may be to do so, forgiveness may come as you acknowledge and accept your feelings. Whether or not your relationship continues, your personal fulfillment will benefit from putting your mindfulness tools to the task.
Johns, K. N., Allen, E. S., & Gordon, K. C. (2015). The relationship between mindfulness and forgiveness of infidelity. Mindfulness, 6, 1462-1471. doi:10.1007/s12671-015-0427-2.
What can you do if someone hits on your girlfriend? Is there a protocol to follow?
The real answer here is: Trust her and do nothing. But if you must do something, here are three ways to handle the situation.
1. Stay classy
Let the conversation play out, and then at some point walk over, put your hand on the small of her back and say, “Excuse me,” then turn to her and say, “I’m going to grab a drink/whatever, do you want anything?” However she responds, before you leave, turn to the guy and introduce yourself and then go do your thing. That’ll be more than enough.
2. Befriend the guy
Walk over and befriend him. Introduce yourself, carry a conversation, find mutual ground, and then deter him by saying, “You’re here alone? Man, I will absolutely wingman for you.” The last time this happened in the reverse for me: I started hitting on a girl at a bar and her boyfriend came up to me trying to be overly alpha. I immediately befriended him, found out he used to play hockey too, and I left the bar with him asking for MY number so we could hit the rink together.
3. Be dominant
Walk over, enter the conversation, offer her a drink (or whatever) and then turn to him and say, “Oh are you a friend? I’m grabbing a drink, do you want one?” This positions you as the dominant male in the situation and very clearly draws the friend zone in the sand.
Basic rule of thumb: Do not be the guy that walks over with a puffed out chest trying to be all big and mighty—you’ll end up looking weak and childish. Instead, approach the situation with no judgments and no insecurities and just be you. This level of confidence will be very attractive to your girl.
Who is Nicolas?
This answer is a guest post by Nicolas Cole and originally appeared on Quora. Nicolas is a writer, bodybuilder, and creative marketing strategist.
His expert insight into the topics of self-improvement, fitness, gaming, and dating have gained him over 7,000,000 views on Quora!
Make sure you check out his website and Quora profile. You can also follow him on Twitter.
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By Margot Brown — Written on Dec 24, 2021
Does your husband or wife regularly make jokes at your expense, or take cheap-shots at you in front of others?
It hurts, doesn’t it? It can feel earth-shaking and downright humiliating when your partner puts you down (however playfully) in front co-workers, family or friends.
Regardless of your culture, socio-demographics, income, religion, or the fact that this behavior is common among millions of couples, your feelings still matter. And the behavior is not OK if it doesn’t feel OK to you.
Being humiliated, especially by your husband or wife, hurts.
So what does this behavior look like? Whether followed with, “I’m just kidding. Don’t take everything so seriously!” or just hurled at you outright with no attempt to cover it up, this is often what your partner’s potshots often sound like:
- Sharing your embarrassing moments: “You should have seen her on the day we went to my boss’s house for dinner. She tripped going up the front steps, tore her dress, scraped her face — what a mess! I was mortified.”
- Comments about your body or looks: “Why did you wear those pants?” or “Oh, she didn’t go in the pool on vacation, she’s still trying to lose all that baby weight she’s still carrying around.”
- Openly comparing you to someone else’s better spouse: “You’re so lucky to have a husband who’s so attentive and actually communicates like an adult.”
When scenarios like the ones above happen, you don’t have to shrug it off and act like it doesn’t hurt you. Of course, the common response to your protests is typically “Oh, you’re too sensitive.”
Here are five better ways to deal with stinging comments when your husband or wife humiliates you or puts you down.
1. Identify your own feelings.
It’s important to clarify your own perception of the situation — the thoughts and feelings the get stirred up by your partner’s comments.
What specifically comes up for you? Are you mad, sad, disappointed, frustrated? The more mindful you are about the specific feelings within yourself, the better you can identify what you need from your partner.
2. Announce your feelings to your partner — don’t act out your feelings
Say clearly, “I am angry!” instead of slamming kitchen cabinets and stomping around the room.
This is key, because your partner is not a mind reader. They feel your vibe, but are confused when you say “Everything’s fine!” while slamming doors and clearly hurting.
Avoid giving mixed signals which confuse them. This makes them uncertain of what to say or how to act.
3. Check in with your partner.
It’s important to find out what their intention was. Were they just trying to have a good time and tell a great story, not thinking about how it might hurt you? Or, was it deliberately mean-spirited?
Are they actually angry at you, so they brought up past hurts and threw them in your face on purpose? Or, did they knowingly bring something up when you’ve previously agreed not to talk about it?
Find out what they were thinking and why they said what they did.
An occasional slip-up is one thing, but abuse is a pervasive, consistent and on-going pattern. Abuse is all about power and control over you. Recognize the pattern if you see it.
4. If your partner apologizes, do not say, “that’s OK.”
You just undermined the effort of speaking up for yourself. If it’s really OK, why did you raise an issue about it then? Again, this sends mixed messages.
A better response is: “Thank you, I accept your apology,” creating a clear premise that your partner must own their actions.
When they apologize to you, this better response acknowledges the offending behavior rather than minimizing its impact on you with a trivializing “it’s OK.”
5. Truly forgive when it’s appropriate to do so.
Forgiveness is magical. If you harbor resentment, it just continues to fester and, ultimately, tears down your relationship.
Remember to forgive yourself for how you possibly reacted when the comment hurt you, and then also forgive your partner (even if your forgiveness comes in small tiny steps, begin the process).
Related Stories From YourTango:
If any of the above techniques are new to you, try them on for size. It may take a few times to respond this way naturally. Practice over and over.
You don’t have to tell anyone you’re changing, just start approaching these situations differently on your own. with a different attitude (thoughts and feelings) and with a different response. Your quiet shift in a healthier direction might be the only thing needed to prevent this unacceptable behavior from repeating.
And if you need a default reply to keep in your emotional hip pocket, one to pull out the next time this situation happens, here is one to practice: “What you just said is not OK with me. That was private between us. You said it in front of others. That’s a problem and I need us to talk about that.”
Most importantly, remember: You are important (and so are your feelings)! The good news is that by reading this article, you’ve already started taking care of yourself.
Are You Crossing a Line?
Hiedy from Indanloa, Iowa asks:
What should you do if your best friend kissed your boyfriend?
Hm, this depends on all kinds of factors. Did he kiss her back? Did she just kiss him, or did they make out? Was it a joke and done in front of you, or behind your back and something you walked in on/saw by accident? If my best friend kissed my boyfriend, namely as in kissing him behind my back and him kissing her back, I’d probably give both of them a good piece of my mind, before breaking ties with her and him.
For me, trust is one of the top three traits I am looking for in friends and my partner. If I can’t trust you, I won’t have anything to do with you. Because in the end, you will only hurt me or break my heart. Any woman who makes a move on my man is out. A best friend would never do that; end of discussion.
“Real trust takes real time.” – Reed ext. 5105
Any guy who gives into, or makes a move on my friends is also out. That type of behavior is never acceptable to me. Friends of current boyfriends or exes of mine are always off limits and I expect the same from my friends.
The thing is that I simply will not engage with people who do not have the same core values than I do. These values include honesty, integrity, kindness, loyalty and trustworthiness.
So if the kiss was an innocent kind of thing, I’d move on. From your question, though, it sounds as if it wasn’t and if they went behind your back, gets rid of them. Anyone deserves better than a friend who makes a move on your guy and a guy who went along with it.
“To attain the love you want, be prepared to be, or work to become, the type of person you want to attract!” – Yemaya ext. 5143
April 28, 2012 Love & RelationshipsAstrology, horoscope, love, relationship advice, Spirituality, Tarot
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7 thoughts on “ Speak Up: What to Do if You Kissed Your Best Friend’s Boyfriend? ”
We were playing spin the bottle and it landed on me and my good friends bf and I was unsure what to do but my other friends kept putting pressure on me and telling me to do it and then I did it and we both wiped off the kiss on our lips and well yeah but he didn’t know taht was cheating and neither did I we are really young and dumb and my friend that’s like a brother to me was there and he’s bestfriends with the boys gf he only didn’t tell her cuz he loves me and I’m like family to him but he keeps telling me that I need to tell her but I just can’t and i know it was so wrong now but i don’t know what to do please help
well today at school i fell in love with my best friends bf and we ended up full on kissing i know that is worng but she dosent care if he sleept with someone else i dont have a strong heart to tell her and i dont think i every will i love him and i told him he dosnt mind he is my world and my half of heart when im with him i feel hole again what should i do im falling apart and dying inside of hidding the biggest lie eva
Girls trust me on this
Well kissing someone else boyfriend is just hurtful my bestfriend did the same to me when I was out of town with my dad sometimes you cant trust you besties with your man ladies its time to spy on your mans or your husbands
Dating is when you and the other person are going out to get to know each other. It’s the same thing as you are senieg someone . The two of you go out to dinner or a movie to just get to know one another better. When you start calling the other person your boyfriend/girlfriend then that means you know each other well enough to take things to the next level. Your relationship becomes more intimate.Now, in love means you have a very strong connection with a person. Every time you are with them you start feeling a chill or excitement overtaking your body. In love, like the word, is a strong feeling of emotion. It’s stronger then the feeling you get when you are around a family member. Loving somone is like another way of saying you care about that person. I Love my best friend a lot, but not the way I love my husband. I care about them both a lot, I don’t know what I would do if one of them ever got hurt. However, when it comes to sharing special moments of my life with someone, I enjoy sharing it with my husband. When it comes to my friend, we just sit there, laugh, and gossip. When it comes to my husband, we like to cuddle, hold each other, and be close. Hope this helps.
what to do if my boyfriend always cheat me.with my friends
Amen, Carmen .
Well said…..I agree with you on everything and, especially, hanging out with people with the same core values.
And feel the same way as you…..if I can’t trust you, I don’t want, or need, to be around you. Trust is earned, break that trust, and I’m gone !
8 Classy Ways to React When Someone is Flirting With Your Man!
It can be hard to watch another woman flirting with your boyfriend. This can bring up feelings of jealousy and insecurity. However, the last thing you want to do is start a fight with your boyfriend in such a situation. If you catch a woman checking out your man, follow these eight tips to stop the flirting without starting a fight with your boyfriend.
Analyze the Situation
Make sure you aren’t mistaking friendliness for flirtiness. People have a way of interpreting things differently. Before you make an issue out of something, make sure the woman is indeed flirting, not simply being nice.
Find Out Who is at Fault
Watch the interaction between your boyfriend and the offending female flirter. It’s easy to assume it’s the female’s fault. But if your boyfriend is encouraging her, or flirting back, he is just as at fault, if not more so, than her. If he is at fault, don’t confront her; deal with him instead. If he is not reciprocating her flirting, then you can take issue with her.
Give the Woman an Evil Look
If you are positive the woman is flirting with your boyfriend, shoot her an evil look. This may be enough for her to get the hint and back off.
Subtly Show the Woman This is Your Boyfriend
Sometimes it may not be obvious that you are your boyfriend’s girlfriend. The other woman may think you two are friends. If she doesn’t pick up on the evil look you gave her, subtly stake your territory by holding his hand, stroking his arm or putting your arm around him. Hopefully she will get the hint.
Jokingly Tell the Woman You Don’t Like People Flirting With Your Man
If you have made it clear to the woman that the man she is flirting with is yours, it may be time to get a bit more assertive. Consider jokingly making a statement about how you don’t like women flirting with your man. This shows her you are assertive enough to stand your ground, but still keeps the situation non-confrontational.
Pull the Woman Aside and Ask Her to Refrain From Being Disrespectful to You
If, despite your best efforts to avoid confrontation, the woman is still flirting with your boyfriend in front of you, it may be time to simply pull her aside and calmly explain that she is being disrespectful to you. This calls her attention to the issue and lets her know you won’t tolerate it.
Walk Away From the Situation, With Your Boyfriend
If you are worried that something may be going on, simply walk over to your boyfriend, place your hand on his shoulder or around him to show the woman he is yours and let him know that you are ready to leave. Walking away helps avoid confrontation.
RELATIONSHIP ARTICLE: 8 Signs He’s A Player
Calmly Explain to Your Boyfriend Why it Hurts You
Let your boyfriend know that you are concerned and feel that something more is going on. Seek out that extra reassurance for yourself and comfort from him. This lets him know that you are not ok with the situation and it is up to him to correct it. If he is unwilling to, it may show that you aren’t as important to him as you thought you were. But a good boyfriends will take your feelings into account and correct their hurtful behavior.
When you see a woman flirting with your boyfriend, your blood may begin to boil. But the way you chose to handle the situation can create conflict with your partner. Learning how to deal with your man and the woman flirting, in a calm and cool manner, can help you deal with the situation while keeping your relationship in-tact.
Home » Family » Children » Your Daughter’s First Boyfriend – Get Prepared for a Lot of Emotions
If you made it through middle school without having to deal with your daughter’s first boyfriend, consider yourself lucky. Once the hormones hit, life amongst the happy family changes drastically and the introduction of a boyfriend can be one of the most troubling, especially the first! Take a deep breath; realize that like potty training, this too is just a phase. Unfortunately, it probably won’t pass anytime soon.
The first advice for mom and dad is to keep your head. Young girls can get awful caught up in their first romance and having parents breathing down their neck and continuously forbidding the relationship or voicing their disappointment will only make her efforts to remain connected be more adamant. If you can accept the boyfriend, invite him to dinner and make her see that you won’t embarrass her silly, you will be setting yourself up for better teenage years that include honestly and forthrightness. If you react contrary to what makes her feel supported, chances are she will choose to hide things. Certainly, you don’t want all the gory details about the relationship, but keep your eyes and ears peeled for the important ones.
The time spent together can be disrupted. For her protection and sanity, demand that she continue to see her friends, engage in her normal extra curricular activities and have more on her plate than daydreams of a squeaky voiced boy. This way when he or she moves on, she won’t run into a wall of depression and pain. Perhaps the worst part of your daughter’s first boyfriend is that your daughter’s first heartbreak is right around the corner. This is one of the reasons it is so vital that you keep her busy whilst allowing time for the ‘intruder.’
Also, make the two of them feel welcome at your house. This means letting them watch TV together in the basement, having him for dinner and not minding if he comes home to do homework with her. Ultimately, you would rather depend on your watchful eye than have to trust that HIS parents are home. If they feel welcome and sense that they are getting an appropriate amount of privacy, they will not feel the urge to lie, sneak or hide things. Yes, it might be difficult to watch your favorite sitcom thinking that your little Sally might be learning how to french kiss in the basement, but at least you can walk down there at anytime and ruin it for them. And you should!
Speaking of French kissing, understand without a doubt that your children know much more about sex than you think they do. If you haven’t scanned their emails or tried to translate their text messages by now, you might want to take a look! Still, you should have the talk and have it often! In fact, bring it up every chance you get! This means asserting your position on abstinence and morality and allowing your daughter to know the difference between love and attraction and consenting and feeling pressured. Outline the fiascos that can occur by having sex and stress the importance of waiting. While telling her that there will be plenty of other boys in her life will make no impact at this point, rest assured she is listening. Dad has a voice in this too. He is the one that can remember being the teenage boy and any additives to the mix however unwelcome are necessary. Remember, she loved dad first! She needs to know how boys at this age think and she needs to be aware of the consequences to forgetting her judgment. If she is old enough to have a boyfriend, she is old enough to sit there red faced while you preach. Don’t forget to mention her reputation and all the other nasty little details that can pop up when a young girl trusts a young boy too much too fast! Be as honest as you can.
One aspect of your daughter’s first boyfriend you should consider is the money it can cost you if you aren’t clear right up front. Cell phones and text messages can really add up. SET BOUNDARIES! Additionally, set boundaries while in his presence. If he wants to play house then he can act like your son-in-law and get a first hand glimpse of what it is you expect and won’t tolerate. Talk to his parents as well and make sure they are aware of the relationship and the amount of time the two kids are spending chatting electronically. The last thing you want is his parents in a tizzy and freaking out on your daughter. Make a phone call to them and be direct about asking what they expect from the couple and what their ground rules are. This way the two of you can be together. You also might find that you don’t like his parents or feel that they are less interested in protecting your daughter than you would like! This is good information to have on hand.
The whole thing can be disturbing. It is a sure sign that your little angel is growing up. At the same time remember your first relationship and the excitement and dazzle that it stirred in you. Don’t squash her opportunity to feel the same exhilaration. Allow her to make decisions from time to time and ensure that your spot in her life is still safe by keeping your head as clear as possible. Teach her through this relationship that the role of women is not to be taken advantage of and help her gain her assertiveness and independence when it comes to men at an early age. This will serve her so well in life down the road. How well you handle the first boyfriend will play a large part in how included she allows you to be down the road. Even if you think he is a loser, try to be supportive as much as possible and keep a tight handle on the reins of her life. Your daughter’s first boyfriend will definitely not be the last, which means you might as well get used to the routine and find practical ways to stay connected and influential!
By Diana V. — Written on Apr 30, 2021
Kissing is the perfect way to end a date, but would you recognize the signs a guy wants to kiss you?
You’re probably asking yourself, does he want to kiss me? Well, the truth is that guys aren’t always obvious about it, especially if they’re shy.
It’s a little awkward to assume, and your beau isn’t always going to be upfront or ask if he can give you a smooch before he goes for the evening. The dating world would be so much easier to manage if you could tell!
Man make it difficult to read them, usually because kissing to them often means they care about you, or at least like you a lot.
How do you know if someone wants to kiss you?
He probably won’t come straight out and ask you, so you need to look for the signs he’s throwing your way. He may linger around, invade your personal space to try to get as close to you as possible, pay close attention to your lips while you speak, or even initiate physical touch in any way possible.
Fortunately for you, there are several signs a guy wants to kiss you, and many of them are through his body language. It’s hard to know exactly what to look out for it you’re not already aware of the signs, but there are a few sure ways to tell that he’s looking to give you a kiss.
10 Signs a Guy Wants to Kiss You
1. He’s getting quiet.
You can’t kiss if your mouths are busy talking.
Notice him getting quieter? He might be working up the nerve to kiss you, creating lulls in conversation to set a sexier, relaxed vibe. He may want to find the right moment in the lulls to kiss you!
Resist the urge to fill the silence with chit-chat, and just stop talking. The next time he gets quiet for a few seconds, just flash him a sexy smile instead.
2. He’s fidgeting.
If he’s losing his cool, tripping over his words and his feet, you can safely assume that you’ve gotten under his skin. Look at our good friend: body language.
Watch his hands: if he’s fidgeting with his drink, playing with his watch, and pulling them in and out of his pockets, he’s on edge. in a good way.
Shy guys will often get nervous around you so watch for this. It could be your moment to kiss him or you could try to make him feel comfortable so he doesn’t chicken out.
3. He’s doing mouth maintenance.
He’s breaking out the Chapstick. He licks his lips. He bites his lips. He’s sucking down Altoids. Guess what? He’s probably primping for a smooch.
Take notice: is he popping a breath mint post-dinner? It might just be a force of habit. But if he’s getting minty fresh while walking you home, or between drinks at the bar, he may be hoping to get closer.
If he offers you a stick of gum or a breath mint, don’t be offended. He’s probably just testing the waters and (consciously or not) telling you that he wants to lay one on you, badly.
4. He’s getting touchy-feely.
An arm on your shoulder, touching your hand, bumping knees, touching your arms — all are indicators that he wants to be close to you. Other ways to tell are if he moves the hair from your face or puts his hand on the small of your back as he walks behind you.
If he can’t keep his hands off you, his lips aren’t far behind. And his body language can give you all the hints.
5. He notices your lips.
Don’t get annoyed if you catch his gaze drifting away from your eyes when you’re talking. As long as he stares at your lips, it’s a good indication that he might want to seal the night with a kiss.
If he seems mesmerized by your pout, he probably is. And a sure sign he’s dying to lean in for a kiss? He compliments you on your lips.
6. He’s bridging the gap.
Going in for a kiss is extra scary from five feet away. If he’s inching closer and closer to you throughout the night, he may be getting ready to go in for the kill and is testing the waters by amping up the sexual tension.
Your body language reaction is important here: if you want him to go for it, stand firm and don’t back away as he gets closer. Make it easier on the poor guy!
7. He notices your perfume.
Leaning in and telling you that you smell great? He’s not paying a compliment to Calvin Klein. In fact, he may be just guessing that you’re wearing perfume.
Complimenting your fragrance gives him an excuse to get up close and personal while testing your comfort level with the invasion of space and the intimate flattery.
8. He gazes at you.
Body language is a good cue when it comes to reading someone, but what about someone’s eyes? We’ve talked about him staring at your lips or glancing down at your lips, but what about if he’s staring into your eyes?
There’s a difference between looking at you with respect and gazing at you with love, and that’s if the contact lingers. The eyes are the windows to the soul, so it’s a big deal when a guys is gazing into them.
Maintaining eye contact can really heat things up between you two, and it may lead to you each leaning in because you’re mesmerized. You may be kissing before you know it.
I’m a writer that loves helping strangers on the Internet figure out their love lives.
Are they breaking up, or are they in love?
So he kissed your forehead, and now you’re confused. Maybe it was after making out. Maybe it was while you were hugging. Maybe it was before he’s ever kissed you on the lips.
No matter what, I’m here for you. I’ve got plenty of experience with guys kissing my forehead in all kinds of situations. OK, so not *that* many guys and not *that* many situations, but enough (hopefully) to help you out.
What Does It Mean When a Guy Kisses Your Forehead?
Basicalllllly, a kiss on the forehead is a sign of affection and tenderness that’s not overtly sexual. It’s kind of like a kiss on the cheek. The main difference is that it’s on your forehead.
Does that seem too simple? Well, maybe it is that simple. You don’t have to make everything so complicated!
Why It Might Happen
- A guy might kiss you on the forehead because he’s taller than you, so if you’re standing next to him and he wants to kiss you, your forehead is just this nice little platform that he can plant one on. How cute!
- It can also feel like a slightly protective gesture, meaning that he’s there for you and has your back. It’s a nice feeling.
- Or if you’re in bed, and you are doing some cuddly-wuddlies, and your head is near his lips, then he might just mosey on over there and kiss you on the forehead to show you that he cares.
- Forehead kisses mean a guy cares about you. When my boyfriend kisses me on the forehead (he’s taller than me), it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
- If a guy who is not your boyfriend who has not kissed you on the lips kisses you on the forehead, it could mean that he’s not interested in you romantically, or that he is, but he’s waiting for the right moment to kiss you on the lips.
Notice how height plays a role here.
Here are some times when it might happen.
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After Making Out
A kiss on the forehead after making out is a sign of tenderness and affection. He likes you more than just for sexy-times.
Like I mentioned above, if your boyfriend is taller than you (like mine is) it might be convenient for him to just give you a quick kiss on the forehead while you’re hugging since it’s practically like your forehead is going up to his lips and knocking at the door and saying, “Hello, please kiss me.”
Kisses on other non-lip parts of the face are part and parcel of the cuddling procedure. They are simply sweet signs that he cares about you. Sometimes affection comes out in words, but sometimes it comes out in kisses.
While You’re Sleeping
How do you know that he’s kissing you if you’re asleep! Are you pretending to sleep? I guess it’s none of my business really but anywho . . .
Kisses on the forehead in the night show that he cares. They’re usually not creepy, though if he’s trying to do anything else with you while you’re asleep, that’s bad news bears. He might not be someone you want in bed with you at night.
“The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.”
If He Only Kisses You on the Forehead or Has Only Kissed You on the Forehead
Most of the above situations are for people in kissy situations where other kinds of kisses are happening regularly. If this is not the case for you, and you and he have only exchanged a single forehead kiss, then it could mean:
- He’s not romantically interested in you.
- He is romantically interested in you but wasn’t sure if he could go for a kiss on the lips.
My advice: wait and see. If he texts or calls or asks to hang out with you again and go on another date, then chances are that he’ll go for a kiss on the lips at that time. If not, go find yourself a man who will!
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
You went out to a party with your friends. While you were there, you ran into a guy from your college class. You had flirted with him a bit at school, but you never thought that he was actually interested in you. As soon as you see him at the party, you realize that he is completely drunk. He tells you how pretty you are or that he has a secret crush on you. Now, you want to know, “Do guys mean what they say when they are drunk?” While it is not the case 100 percent of the time, they generally do.
There is an old saying, “In vino veritas.” Basically, it means that in wine, there is truth. When you are drunk, you actually tend to tell the truth. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, so it makes you more likely to behave badly or say awful things because the normal barriers in your mind are not there anymore. The same inhibitions mean that you are more likely to tell the truth. Your cognitive control is gone, so it is hard for you to saw anything other than the truth.
Alcohol has been found to dim the alarm signal in the mind that alerts you when you are making a mistake. It essentially reduces your self-control so that you say things that you never would normally. While this may mean that a guy might say something hurtful to his girlfriend, it also means that he might just lose enough of his inhibitions to tell his crush how he feels.
Research Shows: In Alcohol, There Is Truth
In one research study, alcoholic beverages were given to a third of a group. Another third received no alcohol, an the last third received a placebo drink. Afterward, the participants did a computer challenge that was deliberately made to cause errors. As you might expect, the people who drank alcohol were less alarmed. Even the placebo group had slightly less weaker alarm response than normal. All three of the groups were self-aware of their mistakes, but it was only the alcohol group that really did not care.
Basically, alcohol makes it so that you care less about your mistakes or whether what you are doing is right or wrong. This might be why guys tend to text a lot when they are drunk. Drunk dialing is a chance for them to confess their emotions or to feel more confident in talking to someone else. There is a reason alcohol is called “liquid courage.” Whether we like it or not, alcohol makes us feel confident and empowered enough to do stupid things.
When you are drunk, your inhibitions are down and your reaction time slows down. This means that your mouth is talking before your reaction time and inhibitions can catch up. You say what is on your mind before you even realize that it was a mistake. And when you are drunk enough, you won’t even care if what you said was a mistake or not.
So, Does He Mean What He Says?
While he might to mean exactly what he says while he is drunk, it is most likely based on the truth. If he confessed how attractive you are or that he has feelings for you, then he probably does. He might not want to make you a girlfriend, but you can safely assume that he is attracted to you on some level.
Unfortunately, the same logic works if your boyfriend said something awful to you while he was drunk. He might not have meant it 100 percent, but there is a kernel of truth to what he said. If he said he wants to break up with you, then the emotion is most likely genuine. Once he has sobered up, he might think of a logical reason why he wants to stay or be afraid to actually break up with you. The underlying feeling is still there though, so you should listen to it and act on it. You don’t have to break up with him, but you definitely want to take some steps to fix the relationship before it is too late.
When someone is drunk, the connections between the ventral striatium and the prefrontal cortex are affected. This is why people do impulsive thinks when they drink and make bad decisions. This leads drunk people to do stupid things like take off their clothes or saying things that they shouldn’t.
Unfortunately, alcohol can also make you moodier than normal. The kernels of truth in your drunk statements might be based on fact, but the emotion behind them could be entirely because of the alcohol. When a guy tells you something when he is drunk, listen to him. The emotion might be from drinking and the exaggerations are certainly fueled by alcohol, but the underlying feeling is true.
Daniel is a writer who focuses on blogging about happiness and motivation at Lifehack. Read full profile
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I have felt unworthy of love for a lot of my life. A common question that replayed in my head during my high school years was:
“Why would anyone be interested in me?”
My relationship insecurity made me see problems where they didn’t exist, turning what could have been a successful relationship into a short-lived, dismal failure. Know the feeling?
If so, here are 7 ways on how to stop feeling insecure:
1. Stop thinking it is all about you.
A self-centered worldview will have you chasing boogeymen where they don’t exist. If your partner doesn’t feel like going out, don’t assume it is because of you when they just as easily could have had a really bad day at work that drained their energy.
Stop psycho-analyzing every word choice your partner makes and be more present in the moment so you can notice the message behind their tone, physical presence, and posture. Obsessing with hidden meanings is a sure-fire way to miss the point.
Don’t berate your partner for being too quiet, or continuously ask, “What are you thinking?” during every lapse of conversation. An overwhelming urge to fill every second of silence with needless words is a habit of an insecure person. Take your partner’s hand, breathe in, breathe out, and enjoy the silence together. Who says you can’t enjoy simply being with each other without words?
2. Stop psyching yourself out.
Your thoughts could be your relationship’s best friend or worst enemy. The quality of your thoughts has a direct effect on the quality of your relationship.
Have you ever found thinking negative thoughts like, “I know they’ll get sick of me someday,” or, “How could they love me?” These thoughts have little to do with reality but a lot to do with fear. In other words, the problem you are concerned with doesn’t exist—you invented it!
Any time you find yourself feeling insecure about your relationship, tell yourself, “The thing I’m worried about only exists in my head. I have full control.”
3. Stop lugging around all that baggage.
Ever been in a relationship so terrible that you would love to just wish it all away so you never have to think about it again? Join the club. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a person who doesn’t have a bit of baggage because this love thing is an unpredictable (and sometimes rocky) ride.
A little baggage is totally okay, but you need to lighten your load before jumping into any new relationship. Let go of any left-over hurtful feelings that might be lingering and realize that your new relationship is a new opportunity to put all of that behind you.
The lovely thing about life: you can re-start as many times as you need to!
4. Stop seeing things in black and white.
How do you react when someone blames you for something that you don’t think is your fault? Survey says: you get defensive.
Likewise, confronting your partner over a problem—no matter how obvious it may be to you—will most likely cause them to become defensive. This usually leads to a knock-down, drag-out fight that is the opposite of productive because you’re both too busy trying to prove you’re right to resolve your conflict.
If you have a problem, don’t immediately point the finger, but instead approach your partner with compassion and understanding. Be comfortable in the fact that neither of you is fully “right” or “wrong.” The true answer lies somewhere in the middle.
5. Stop feeling paranoid over nothing.
Let’s face it: we all talk to people of the opposite sex. Just because a boy and girl (or boy and boy, or girl and girl) are friends doesn’t mean there is more to the story.
Avoid the temptation to snoop your partner’s phone, Facebook messages, or email account. While this could temporarily calm your nerves when you see nothing afoul, it is also a behavior that could quickly become addictive, not to mention damaging for relationship trust when they find out Big Brother is watching.
6. Stop putting off uncomfortable conversations.
While conflict is stressful for your relationship in the short-term, it will build the strength of your relationship in the long-term.
Facing your problems without fear will help you grow closer to your partner. Never mince words with each other and you will develop trust so strong that you can tell your partner anything that is on your mind.
7. Stop being dependent on anyone but yourself.
Having someone to hug, kiss, cuddle, make love to, and share your life with is nothing short of wonderful. But before you march off into the sunset in search of love, you need to learn to love yourself.
Just like you shouldn’t invite a friend to your home while it’s a disorganized wreck, you shouldn’t invite a partner into your life while it is in disarray. Take care if your inner-house before you invite anyone else to it.
If you let go of insecurity, you can expect the side-effects of reduced stress and increased relationship satisfaction. If you’re still struggling with relationship security, try to get more guidance from this article:
Seemingly harmless stuff could trigger bad behavior
Your dog may be your best friend, but even great buddies have boundaries. If you’d never have sex with your pal in the room, why would you do it while Fido sits on the floor?
Steer clear of these five activities when your pup is present—unless you want to raise a devil dog.
If you play-wrestle with your pooch, you’re showing him that rough or physical interaction is acceptable, says Michael Baugh, a Houston-based dog trainer and certified behavior consultant.
Some dogs handle this well and understand it’s a game that only happens when you initiate it. But others can get overexcited or take things too far.
They may try to jump on you, knock you down, or even bite you or other people at unpredictable times, says Baugh.
How to handle it: Teach him how to associate playtime with very specific actions and commands.
For example, get down on all fours with him and say “let’s play” before roughhousing. End by saying “settle,” petting him calmly, and encouraging him to sit.
But not all dogs can handle this, says Baugh. If your dog gets too amped up or doesn’t understand the boundaries of playtime, leave the wrestling to the guys in spandex.
2. Argue with Your Girlfriend
When you’re upset, so is your dog, Baugh says. If he isn’t used to seeing you pissed off, your shouting or angry gestures will put him on edge—and that could lead to barking, nipping, or trying to settle the fight himself.
In some cases, your dog may even start to associate your angry or aggressive mood with your partner’s presence. If that happens, your pooch may consider your girl threatening and may bite her, says Baugh.
How to handle it: Keep your spats low-key and civil, says Baugh. (Or step outside to trade barbs.)
3. Have the Guys Over for Game Day
If your dog’s used to spending time with you in a quiet environment, filling your place with a half-dozen dudes—all of whom are yelling and high-fiving—can frighten him, Baugh says.
“A lot of dogs will retreat quietly to another room, but others may bark or bite if you and your friends all jump up and start shouting at the TV,” he adds.
How to handle it: If your dog’s reaction is mild—ears or tail tucked back, whimpering—keep treats handy so you can implement a counter-conditioning program, Baugh says.
Every time you realize you’re shouting or cheering, give your dog a treat and a pat. He’ll come to associate your game-watching gatherings with food and fun.
But if he’s being more aggressive, you’ll have to hold game day elsewhere until he learns to spend time alone in another room.
4. Bring a New Friend to Bed
Do one thing long enough in front of your dog and he’ll adapt to it, says Baugh.
If your pooch sleeps by your side every night, he’ll think that’s the norm. When you bring a new friend to bed, your mellow mutt might freak out.
“I’ve worked with a number of dogs who have had aggressive responses to their owners having sex,” says Baugh.
The unexpected sights and sounds of sex can seem startling, Baugh says. Your dog may start barking—or even try to interrupt the action.
How to handle it: Teach your dog how to tolerate being alone. On a night when you’re sleeping by yourself, boot him out of bed on and into a comfy crate just beyond your door
Get your dog used to spending some solo time, Baugh says, and he won’t go crazy when you tell him to scram before sex.
Just be gradual. Put your pup in his crate for an hour, and then let him back into bed. The next night, make it 2 hours—and so on, until he eventually adapts to sleeping alone.
5. Send Him Mixed Messages
Maybe you tell your dog you’re going to the park when you’re really headed to the vet. Or you train him to jump and hug you when you come in the house, but then scold him when he does the same thing to your guests.
Bad idea: “Your dog needs to be able to rely on you,” says Baugh. “If you’re unreliable, he’s going to be unreliable, too.”
That doesn’t mean he’ll suddenly start acting aggressively, but he may be anxious or seem out of sorts.
How to handle it: If you do what your dog expects 99 times out of 100, the occasional deviation won’t matter much, says Baugh.
Your goal is to be consistent and honest. Like young children, dogs do best when they can rely on routines and predictable behaviors.
Their anger may not be about you, but you can still help defuse it.
The closer your attachment to someone, the more of an effect their words will have on you. So assuming you’re in a committed relationship, how your partner addresses you can closely connect to how good, or secure, you feel about yourself and the relationship.
Moreover, given the nature of intimate relationships, your partner is as likely to be reactive to your words as you are to theirs. At times this mutual sensitivity can lead to some troublesome impasses.
In general, it’s all too easy to offend someone without ever realizing how you could have done so—the words that spontaneously come up on your internal prompter may be tangential to your intended meaning. In fact, unless you’ve given yourself the opportunity beforehand to mull over your thoughts and feelings, verbally expressing precisely what you had in mind may be almost impossible. To expect otherwise in informal, non-rehearsed speech is hardly realistic.
Simply put, in many situations the words that come out of your mouth are essentially a “first draft” and subject to revision, since they may represent only a rough approximation of what you wished to convey. Though your language may generally be adequate for your purposes, there’s always the risk that you’ll be misunderstood—and have your words taken as objectionable, if not obnoxious.
Consequently, much of the time when your partner baffles you by reacting to your words with umbrage or outrage, it’s because they heard you say something you weren’t even aware of having thought, let alone said.
There are, in fact, many reasons that a partner can misconstrue you. You might have employed a word in a different sense from what they’re accustomed to. Or they might be holding a grudge against you, and so be disposed, at that given moment, to take negatively anything you say that’s even slightly ambiguous—as in, prejudicially “mind-reading” you. Frankly, there are a whole host of explanations that might account for your being misunderstood.
But the key point is that in the context of an intimate union the lack of verbal clarity, if not handled well, can potentially have serious repercussions for your harmony and goodwill. And this relates to the “bark vs. bite” phenomenon—if your partner barks at you, it’s crucial that you don’t react in kind, but first find out just what, in the moment, they’re reacting to.
If you’re like most people, your relationship with your partner is likely not only your most important one but also your most vulnerable. To whatever degree, you need your significant other to empathize with your feelings and validate your viewpoint. Although ideally, we ought to be able to do this on our own, we typically rely on our partners to confirm our worth, attractiveness, intelligence, good sense. There are comparatively few of us who aren’t still afflicted with a variety of self-doubt from childhood. So when we at least think we’re getting critical messages about ourselves from our partner, it’s hard not to experience their words as threatening—and to react accordingly.
Yet our partner might “bark” at us for multiple reasons—many of which don’t really warrant being taken personally:
- They may be in an irritable state because they’re tired; stressed out by external pressures; angry either with themselves or someone else; depressed; unusually anxious; or “on edge” generally.
- They may have been provoked by something you did or said that, regardless of how innocuous your intentions were, pushed their buttons. And, feeling so perturbed, they can’t share their frustrations with you in a civil manner or let you know exactly how you’d upset them (they may not know themselves).
- They may, without consciously realizing why, be experiencing the need to distance themselves from you, a “feat” that anger accomplishes all too well. You may have done something that, however unconsciously, has brought up some bad feelings they have about themselves—feelings they’re not yet ready to “own.” Maybe you did something unthinking and it reminded them of times when, as a child, they acted impulsively and were consequently ridiculed or shunned by their parents. In such instances, they may feel the need to “dis-identify” from you for a time since you’re mirroring back to them their own immediately felt culpability. Defensively, they’re compelled to turn on you. That way, they’re able to give their parents—who still occupy space inside their own head—the message that it isn’t they who deserve punishment, for they’re every bit as disapproving of your behavior as are their (introjected) parents.
These examples are meant to suggest how you can assess differently your partner’s having just gone nuclear on you, you’ll react to them differently. You’ll experience their outburst as much less threatening than it felt to your own still vulnerable “inner child.” And you’ll thereby be able to return to your rational, problem-solving adult self and reflect on how you can best begin to move beyond this present relational impasse.
On the contrary, if your partner barks at you and you can’t help but bark back, you’ll only exacerbate the conflict. Or if, as an alternative reaction, you devote all your energy to defending yourself, you’ll also actively contribute to things worsening between the two of you. In neither instance will your partner feel that you’re willing to listen to them and “get” whatever has so antagonized them.
Angry people are poor listeners. They’re agitated and desperately need to get something off their chest. And until that happens, they have virtually no interest in hearing any contrasting viewpoint. However irrational their assumptions about your motives, until they feel heard by you, they won’t (and maybe can’t) attend to anything you yourself might need to tell them.
As challenging as it may seem, when your partner is reading you the riot act, you should focus on soothing yourself. You need to tell yourself that the situation isn’t anywhere as perilous as it feels. That, of course, it doesn’t feel safe—it never feels safe when someone is yelling at you. But that you have the ability, determination, and will to make you safe. All that’s necessary is to “hold on,” and listen to your partner as understandingly and sympathetically as possible.
The other thing to remember is that if you can calm yourself down, you’ll be able to think more clearly and start reading in between the lines of your partner’s anger. You’ll then be much more likely to grasp what drives it—quite possibly, even more distressing feelings of shame, fear, guilt, or sorrow.
Although it’s easy to describe this two-step, problem-solving process, when your partner’s verbal bullets are heading straight toward you, actually executing these steps can be a challenge. If, however accidentally, you’ve triggered your partner, he or she could be exceptionally skilled at triggering you as well. Yet if you can summon up the discipline and restraint to get your own emotions under control, you can do what’s necessary to resolve things—listening attentively, empathizing, and validating. Being able to hear your partner out and offer them the understanding and support they’re hurting for is typically sufficient. And once you can provide this succor, you’ll have vitally helped the two of you regain your peace and harmony.
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Love is a complicated subject, and it becomes even more complicated if the person you love isn’t showing clear signs of affection. My husband (then boyfriend) started out exactly like that. He was shy and rarely touched me. It wasn’t because he didn’t love me. That’s just the way he was. He wasn’t showy and he didn’t like public displays of affection.
Here are nine things that I took to heart when I got used to my inexpressive partner.
1. Love does not always require physical touch.
A kiss isn’t the only way to say “I care” and a hug isn’t the only way to show how much you missed a person. My partner’s presence was always appreciated, even if he didn’t snuggle with me all the time. As long as we’re together, no matter what we’re doing, we know that we are in love.
2. The small things have the biggest impact.
When my partner wrote me a heartfelt letter on our first anniversary, it meant a lot to me. It was a long, handwritten piece which he wrote on pretty stationery. It was simple, childish, but it was the sweetest thing. It may not be worth much in terms of money, but it was truly valuable to me because I know that he spent time, thought, and effort to write such beautiful words.
3. “Sweetness” is a whole new concept.
What’s sweet to others will no longer be the same thing for you. When our relationship first started, I thought that my partner was so unaffectionate that he couldn’t show any sweetness. But his sweetness was really with his words and other gestures, like making me a cup of coffee when I’m pulling an all-nighter or buying my favorite cupcakes when I have menstrual cramps.
4. You will get asked a lot by well-meaning friends and family.
“Is your relationship on the rocks?” is what I frequently hear when I bring my partner to family events. My friends also tell me that my partner might not be happy anymore that’s why he’s avoiding me physically. In truth, my partner and I were the only ones who could understand his lack of physical affection. He may not always want to hold hands, but he will make sure I feel special whenever we’re together.
5. Your relationship is often seen as platonic.
Plenty of times, my partner was mistaken for a brother or cousin. There have even been times when I was hit on in front of him, and vice versa. It’s an advantage, in a way, because I know which girls are interested in him. What’s great about him is that he never makes me feel insecure around them.
6. You get plenty of perks in lieu of physical affection.
I’m not materialistic and neither is my partner, but he likes to give me nice things to make me feel really special. On our third anniversary as a couple, he gave me a gorgeous pearl necklace that was absolutely amazing. Five years later, I still hold the necklace very dearly. He is also great at cooking which totally compensates for his lack of affection. When we fight, instead of hugging me, he cooks my favorite pasta dish to say he wants to make up.
7. You will grow to become more mature.
Young love is exciting but it’s also immature, filled with physical yearning and sexual impulse. We started dating in our mid 20’s and he was very mature. It’s not all about sex, but rather about your life together. He taught me to look forward to our future and that’s exactly what we did. Now, we have been married for three years and it’s the most wonderful experience.
8. Your time together is always special.
I have learned that his presence alone makes up for his lack of intimacy. He loves to talk about our future, especially our dreams together. He always makes complicated issues simple and amicable which helps us understand what we both want to do. Our time is spent sharing our deepest desires, which I think is more meaningful than just physical affection.
9. When physical affection happens, it’s magical.
On the rare occasions that you do touch, especially when you make love, it’s a magical experience that’s truly memorable. You grow closer to each other and learn a little bit more about yourselves which ultimately strengthens your bond. You are also able to prove that your love doesn’t need constant physical signals to be genuine.
Although it can be hard at first, loving someone who isn’t expressive may take time to get used to. In the long run, you will also understand why it’s not necessary for your partner to always hold hands or cuddle when you’re together. Love can be expressed in many ways, from a simple smile to a generous act of kindness. It doesn’t have to always be physical. It can be emotional, mental, spiritual, and psychological.
How do you show your partner how much you love them?
W hen it comes to relationships, conflict is inevitable. But it doesn’t have to be emotionally distressing or callous. Couples can disagree and, yes, even fight while still showing compassion and respect for each other, according to psychologists.
In fact, clinical psychologist Deborah Grody says, married couples who don’t have any conflict are often the ones who end in divorce. “Relationships that can’t be saved are relationships where the flame has completely gone out, or it wasn’t there in the first place,” she says. When one or both partners are indifferent toward their relationship, they don’t care enough to even fight, according to Grody.
That said, frequent heated and hurtful conflict is certainly not healthy or sustainable, either. You can have conflicts with your partner in a constructive way, and it may actually bring you closer together, according to a 2012 paper published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology. Researchers found that expressing anger to a romantic partner caused the short-term discomfort of anger, but also incited honest conversations that benefited the relationship in the long run.
If you want to navigate conflict with your partner in a healthier and more productive way, keep these things in mind during your next argument:
Be curious about your fights
During counseling sessions, Noam Ostrander, an associate professor of social work at DePaul University, often asks couples, “What does the 5:30 fight look like on weekdays?”
“They sort of smile because they know,” says Ostrander. That’s because, Ostrander says, couples often have the same fight over and over — almost following a script — without solving anything.
A common cause of “the 5:30 fight,” Ostrander says, is one partner wanting to tell the other about their day, and the other partner avoiding it — needing a minute to decompress after getting home from work. This likely leads to one partner accusing the other of not caring about them, and the other partner feeling attacked.
Instead, Ostrander encourages couples to pinpoint what triggers this repetitive fight, and try out ways to compromise instead of allowing the conflict to erupt. Rather than following the same old script, notice that you fight when one person gets home, and suggest a new way around that. “You can say, ‘What if we just pause, say hello or kiss hello, give it 15 minutes, and come back together,’” Ostrander says. This way, both partners can communicate that they do want to hear about the other person’s day and together, find the best way to do that.
Schedule a time for conflict
Despite having even the most open lines of communication, conflicts are still bound to happen. And when they do, it’s helpful to choose a time to talk through problems, according to Grody. “If you start to have a fight, say, ‘Let’s pick it up this evening, or another time when there’s time to discuss things,’” she says.
Setting aside time to work out disagreements allows both partners the space to regroup and prepare, Grody explains. They can think about the best way to communicate their feelings in a calmer, more rational way, so as to avoid the instinct of being defensive or accusatory. “Most of the time, things are said on impulse in the heat of anger,” says Grody. “But the words stay with us.”
Call a timeout if you or your partner needs one
During an argument, it’s common for one or both partners to enter “fight, flight or freeze” mode, according to Ostrander. Humans enter one of these modes when they think they may be in danger, he says. “Fight or flight” refers to when stress hormones activate to give people more energy to either fight the stressor or run from the situation. And “freeze” mode occurs when a person simply does not react at all, in hopes that the stressor loses interest in the fight, he says.
When a couple is in this precarious zone, problem solving is highly unlikely, because each person is solely focused on reacting to the perceived threat they feel from their partner. And if only one person is in the “fight, flight or freeze” mode, while the other is trying to resolve the issue, it can frustrate both people and escalate the fight, Ostrander says.
“If you’re really upset with someone and they’re trying to problem solve, it can feel like they’re not even listening,” he says. “I often encourage, in those moments, that someone needs to call a timeout.”
And you can frame this timeout in a way that doesn’t make your partner feel like you’re simply walking away. “Perhaps somebody says, ‘Okay, I want to have this conversation. I need like 10 minutes to calm down. I love you, I’m not going anywhere,’” Ostrander says. “‘We’re going to come back to this, we’re going to figure it out.’”
When returning to the discussion after the brief hiatus, both people will be in a better place to make real progress, Ostrander says.
Make requests instead of complaints
Fights often start with the same two words: “You always.” Rather than asking their partner to do something they’d like them to do, like cleaning up around the house, people jump to make accusations, according to Ostrander.
“You’re not getting what you want, because of how you’re asking for it,” he says. It’s easier for people to ask their partner why they never do something than it is to simply request that they do it.
Saying, “I’m not feeling great. I’m stressed about the way the house looks. Would you mind picking some stuff up?” is more direct and respectful than putting your loved one down for his or her failure to meet your need, Ostrander says. It’s also more likely to result in your partner completing the task.
Listen, and ask your partner for clarification
When the time comes to sit down and talk about solving conflicts, Grody says the most important thing couples can do is to listen — without interrupting. This can be more challenging than it seems. If your loved one says he or she doesn’t feel heard, for example, you should listen until your partner is finished speaking, according to Grody. Then, ask for clarification if there is something you don’t quite understand.
Asking, “what makes you feel like I’m not listening?” is a much more tactful way to address your partner’s complaint than simply saying, “well, I’m listening, so you should feel heard,” Grody says. Making sure you’re holding eye contact and positioning your body toward your partner when he or she is speaking will also signal that you are listening. These small adjustments can prevent countless fights down the road, Grody says.
And of course, during any fight, insults and character assassinations should be avoided at all costs, according to Grody. “Once it gets to the point where there’s name calling and things like that, the discussion should stop,” she says. “It’s not going to go anywhere.” Couples can come back to the conversation when both parties have had time to cool down.
Learn the right way to apologize to your partner
Just as people have different love languages, Ostrander says we have different apology languages, too. It’s not enough to recognize that you’ve hurt your loved one and you owe them an apology: You have to know them enough to tailor your apology to their needs, according to Ostrander.
“Some people want big gestures and some people want, ‘I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings, and I will take steps not to do that again,’” says Ostrander. “The process is figuring out what’s meaningful for your partner.”
It may be time to give up on to the romantic idea that he is perfect for you.
Over the past decade, dating apps have fundamentally changed the mental calculus we use to forage for romantic partners. We can swipe left and right through a mass of faces in no time at all, making quick decisions to ditch potential partners and secure better ones.
Humans have always found a way manage this behavioral economic trade-off, but given the sheer volume of choices, the struggle today is more challenging than ever. And we may not be very effective at it: A recent study described “a hierarchy of desirability” in the strategies of online daters—and found that we often try to partner up with others who are quantifiably out of our league.
With handheld mobile devices granting instant access to an entire world of would-be partners, it’s not always easy to know when your search is over. Here are 9 signs that you should keep swiping.
1. Being around him is never fun.
This should be obvious. But it’s amazing how often we jump through psychological hoops of self-justification to convince ourselves that things are really working out, even in the worst partnerships.
Trust your instincts and don’t overanalyze your emotions. If you are not happy around him a majority of the time, pay attention to these feelings. This is especially true if you are in a situation (e.g., party, favorite restaurant, etc.) that is supposed to be enjoyable. If being with him turns everything sour, you might want to think about finding a partner that makes all things fun—even the boring ones.
2. Your dreams don’t matter to him.
He knows you want to go to graduate school, medical school, or law school, but he just doesn’t care. Instead of supporting you and helping you search for the best programs, he says, “Oh, that’s nice.”
This could be part of a much larger issue: He might not be interested in many of your preferences and desires, big or small. If he cannot handle your big goals and aspirations, how is he going to deal with all the small, weird stuff you’re into? If he was right for you, he should have no problem when you eat assorted cold cuts in the shower or talk for hours in a super cute British accent.
3. He rarely does the little things.
Individually, small things are just that—small. But add them up, and they can become a big deal.
Consider the following scenarios. In scenario A, He goes to the coffee shop and gets a cappuccino and his favorite muffin. In scenario B, he texts you, “I am going to the coffee shop in 15 minutes. Can I get you something? How about something sweet for my sweetie? (emojis: happy face, heart, cupcake, coffee cup)”
Or imagine that you just made a romantic dinner for two. Mr. Good Guy would offer to bring wine or bread. If he truly believes you are the most amazing and gorgeous person in the world, he will make you feel that way—even on days when you yourself are not sure.
4. He gives you space (good)…by totally ignoring you (bad).
We all need some “me-time” in our lives. Does he let you take time for yourself? That’s great! Or has he learned to use that as an excuse to abandon you in favor of other pursuits? In a perfect world, you would both go your separate ways, recharge, and come back to share stories about what you did. At the very least, he should be excited to see you. Always!
5. He is not there emotionally.
Does he try to figure out what you are thinking and feeling? Empathy, arguably one of the most consequential social emotions, is the capacity to understand what someone else is experiencing. Lack of empathy is part of the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders, so it is nothing to dismiss. It is meaningful.
Physical needs are connected to emotionality, too. Did he find out about your fondness for foot massages and then make it part of his routine (because when you feel good, he feels good)? Even if you are not sleeping together, he discovers you love kisses on your back and delivers them whenever possible. That is an empathic response.
6. He does not challenge you to be better.
Personal growth is sometimes in conflict with self-esteem. A healthy sense of self-worth is magnificent, and we want our friends and partners to have a similar view of us. He knows you are amazing, and you know you are awesome, so where can you go next?
The answer is that you can be at your best right now compared to other times in life, but this does not eliminate the chance for even greater change. If he shares this way of thinking, then he will nudge you in this direction: “Honey, you are amazing and that’s why I love you, but you are capable of so much more and I support you totally. Let’s grow together.”
7. His friends.
You might know who some of his friends are, but not all of them. Take it as a warning sign if they have no idea who you are. Ideally, he would talk about you with all his buds to the point where they know you even without having met. Also, you should have some idea of what his pals like and do not like. If he is not talking excitedly to you about his group, what else is he hiding?
8. Your friends.
Does he remember details you share about your friends? If not, it could be a sign that he is just not paying attention. More importantly, does he ask if they are doing well? This indicates genuine interest and shows that he is keeping track of what you value both socially and emotionally. “How is Penelope doing? Was she able to find a new job? Let me know if I can help.”
Of course, do not expect him to ask every day about all of your relationships. You will know what feels reasonable.
9. Your parents.
Same as above, but with Mom and Dad. Does he ever text your Mom or Dad just to say hi or pass along some nice info they might like? For example, if he knows your Mom loves Tom Selleck, he can text her a pic of the Magnum PI action doll he saw in the vintage toy store. Better yet, he can buy it for her! Watch out if he never shows interest in communicating with your family, or he only reaches out when he thinks it will make him look good in their eyes.
Note: The suggestions presented here do not represent a psychometrically valid assessment of relationship strength. However, if your boyfriend goes 0 for 9 on these, it might be time to start rethinking this relationship.
Bennett, K. (2018). Teaching the Monty Hall dilemma to explore decision-making, probability, and regret in behavioral science classrooms. International Journal for the Scholarship of Teaching and Learning, 12 (2), 1-7. DOI: 10.20429/ijsotl.2018.120213
Yes, it will fit.
Here’s some fun phallus trivia for you: The average erect penis clocks in at 5.2 inches long and 4.6 inches in diameter, according to a study of more than 15,000 men. But when it comes to variations in penis length and width, most women can agree that size doesn’t matter—what’s more important is whether a guy can work what he’s got.
A few exceptions to this rule, however, might be valid. One is if a man has what’s medically known as a micropenis, a rare condition Health has explored before. The other is if a guy’s penis is really, really big.
The latter is something that can be intimidating to many women, who worry about whether an XXL member will fit, if it’ll feel good, and if sex can still be pleasurable. And while the answers to the three questions above are yes (think about it, a baby comes out of there), yes, and hell yeah, there are a few things to know before you hit the sheets with a well-endowed dude. Read on for an ob-gyn’s advice on making the action super enjoyable.
Start with lots of foreplay
Sure you might be in the mood and feel ready to hit the bedroom for the main event. But if your vagina is not fully aroused, penetration can feel a little rough and lead to soreness. That may result in tiny tears at the entrance to the vagina that definitely won’t feel good and can even be a conduit for infection.
During arousal, the vagina naturally elongates and becomes more flexible, enough to accommodate pretty much any size penis. So let those changes happen with lots of kissing, touching, and oral sex moves that will prime you for intercourse. ”You will be much better able to deal with a larger penis if you’re very well stimulated,” Jennifer Landa, MD, an ob-gyn and chief medical officer at BodyLogicMD in Orlando, Florida, tells Health.
Keep a lubricant at your bedside
Even if you have no problem getting wet during arousal, it can’t hurt to supplement your natural moisture with the store-bought stuff. “Lubrication obviously helps to decrease friction,” says Dr. Landa. She recommends looking into a lubricant that is hypoallergenic and natural, or with as few artificial ingredients as possible. Make sure it’s not petroleum-based, which can degrade the latex in your partner’s condom and potentially put you at risk of infection or pregnancy.
“One of my favorite natural lubricants is extra virgin coconut oil. It is moisturizing and lubricating and doesn’t ball up like a lot of lubes you can buy,” she says.
Make sure his condom fits
“One of the main things to think of with a larger penis and condoms is the fact that not all condoms will fit him well,” says Dr. Landa. “You certainly don’t want to make his penis feel ‘choked’ and you also want to make sure the condom works well.” Since it’s his penis, he should know what brand and size fits him properly so it doesn’t tear or feel too tight. But it can’t hurt to keep a stash of XL size condoms on hand that he can choose from, so you know for sure you’re both protected.
Stick to positions that put you in charge
“The positions that work the best are the ones where the woman can be on top and control the action,” says Dr. Landa. “Woman on top facing towards her man seems to be one of the best because she can control how much or how little of his penis she is ready to take inside.” Reverse cowgirl can work, too.
Beyond woman on top, experiment with missionary and side-by-side sex. “For missionary, you can try putting both of your legs inside of his. This will provide clitoral stimulation and prevent him from going too deep,” she says. Side by side, or spooning, also prevents his penis from going too deep, she adds.
Go with this doggy style variation
No disrespect to doggy style, but of all the main sex positions, this is the one that offers the deepest penetration. That can be a little too much for some women whose partners are very well-endowed, explains Dr. Landa.
Traditional doggy style, when a woman’s hips are raised on a pillow and her legs are spread far apart, lets a guy go especially deep, she says, and it puts him in control of the depth and pacing. “If you want to do doggy style, it’s important to close your legs together pretty well to prevent him from going as deep as he might otherwise,” she suggests. Or ask him to stay still and let you use your hips to direct the action.
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The right way to handle this powerful form of emotional abuse.
Madeleine Burry is a freelance writer and editor covering health, parenting, and wellness. She’s written for many online publications, including Prevention, Livestrong, Women’s Health, the Spruce, What To Expect, and Apartment Therapy. Previously, Madeleine was the associate managing editor for Parents.com, and a managing editor for Scholastic’s parenting site. She enjoys hiking, ’70s movies, and befriending neighborhood puppies. Madeleine lives with her husband and their cat in Brooklyn.
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Few things are as unsettling as realizing that you’re romantically involved with a gaslighter. These master manipulators lie, deceive, and obfuscate, all in an effort to gain power over you by making you doubt reality.
Trying to defend yourself against a gaslighter only makes their strategies more effective. If you express hurt or frustration, gaslighters pivot to phrases like “it’s all in your head” or “you’re just too sensitive,” says Anthony P. DeMaria, PhD, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist and associate director of adult ambulatory psychiatry at Mount Sinai St. Luke’s and Mount Sinai West Hospitals in New York City.
That sounds serious—and it is. Gaslighting can leave you isolated and sapped of confidence and self-esteem. How should you respond if you observe signs of gaslighting in your significant other? We reached out to experts to find out the exact steps you should take.
Recognize what drives the behavior
When you hear the words “emotional abuse,” it’s easy to think of gaslighters as bad or evil and write off the possibility that you can work things out. But that’s not a helpful framework.
Gaslighters are wounded people, says Dori Gatter, PsyD, a relationship expert and psychotherapist in Connecticut. “They don’t have a strong sense of self and have to feel ‘right’ all the time, or else they feel threatened,” Gatter says. That makes a gaslighter uniquely challenging to deal with, but not impossible.
React to their claims the right way
Remember, arguing with a gaslighter is a losing strategy. Defensive behavior is their fuel, and they’ll respond to you by saying that you’re being hysterical, acting crazy, or other inflaming, frustrating statements. The more you try to defend yourself, the more they gaslight.
“As soon as you are off balance and dysregulated, you look like the problem,” notes Gatter. “Your goal—and it’s not a maneuver and it’s not a manipulation—is to keep yourself calm.”
Instead of digging in your heels, tell your partner that while you hear them, what they’re saying is not your experience, says Gatter. Or try opening up a conversation with a non-threatening phrase like, “We seem to see things differently—can we talk it out?” suggests DeMaria.
Don’t second-guess yourself
Gaslighting works in part by wearing you down. So be aware of when you begin to doubt what your gut tells you is true and real, recommends DeMaria. “It can be helpful to ask yourself the question, What do I really believe is going on? as opposed to What am I being pressured to believe?” he says. This reflection allows you to approach interactions with confidence, he says. You may also find it helpful to jot down notes or keep a journal.
People outside of your relationship can give you a third-party perspective, says DeMaria. This is important in all relationships, but particularly with gaslighters, who seek to make their victims feel isolated or insignificant. if you’re second-guessing what you know deep down is reality, check in with a friend who can back you up.
Seek help if the gaslighting continues
Individual counseling will help you determine your next steps, from working to repair the relationship to leaving it. Individual therapy can also be a confidence builder. “Gaslighters will erode your self-esteem; therapy can be very helpful in rebuilding it and also learning the warning signs of gaslighters in the future,” says Sarkis.
Couples therapy can work too—but only if both participants are open to it and prepared to dig into the issues and change. That can be particularly challenging for gaslighters, who tend to think of themselves as fine and label everyone else as the problem, explains Sarkis.
“If you have someone who is open to going to therapy—even if they might not see what’s going on—and willing to get some help, you’re with someone with whom you can work on this relationship,” says Dr. Gatter.
Says DeMaria: “Can two imperfect people in a relationship make individual changes to make the relationship better? Absolutely. Does it always happen? No.”
Get out—and don’t look back
You tried to address the behavior, but the gaslighter hasn’t made an effort to change. At this point, the only solution is to split; an emotionally abusive relationship is an unhealthy one. Unfortunately, calling it quits with a gaslighter is not easy.
“The breakup may provide fertile ground for more gaslighting,” says DeMaria. “Often, gaslighters ramp up their behaviors when things come to an emotional head, as they so frequently do during a breakup,” he says.
With that in mind, Gatter recommends skipping explanations and exhaustive conversations. “You’re wasting your energy if you’re looking for them to take responsibility or acknowledge or validate anything that you’re saying,” says Gatter. Instead, state simply, clearly, and definitively that you want to end the relationship.
After the breakup, Sarkis recommends complete radio silence: block your gaslighter’s phone number, ignore calls from unknown numbers, and delete emails unread. Be aware that the gaslighter may use other people—like friends you two have in common—to communicate. Clearly tell these people that you will not discuss the gaslighter, she advises, and use what you’ve learned to find a healthier relationship.
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