How to reinvent yourself after a break up

If, like so many before you, you have found yourself licking your wounds after a breakup or divorce, wondering what the hell to do next, perhaps even wondering if you can muster the will and energy to do anything at all… let me say, welcome.

You are about to begin a new chapter in your journey, a chapter which you may find lonely and frightening at times, but with a few mindful adjustments you may also find to be the most fulfilling, rewarding and beautiful chapter of all.

Truth is, whether you are ready to believe it or not, HEARTBREAK can be a secretly great opportunity to create an even better version of the beautiful creature that you are. Do not waste this opportunity. DO NOT!

Here are 6 secrets for reinventing yourself after heartbreak:

1. MOURN the wife/partner/girlfriend that you were

If you’re finding yourself nursing a nasty dose of heartbreak, it’s probably safe to say that you didn’t enter into your last relationship with the knowledge or hope that it would one day come to a screaming halt.

So, grieve the loss. Acknowledge and work through the feelings and emotions as they arise.

With my major heartbreak (my divorce) I went through the stages of grief in a topsy-turvy manner, and that was OK. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance – I felt all of these things at different times, all of the time. I cried, I screamed, I begged and I kicked. AND I came out the other side perfectly well.

Don’t skip the mourning phase – do it and do it well. If and when the time comes for a new relationship, you can be sure that you won’t be bringing any (or at least much) old baggage into the new situation.

2. CHERISH time alone

Before you can get out there as a new woman and paint the town red, you need to learn how to be alone. To uncover who YOU are, without all of the people and bells and whistles and distractions. If your situation allows, dedicate some time at home on your own. Potter around the house, sort things out, move things around, listen to music.

I would make myself do this on a regular basis, just to find out who I was without a kid or husband screaming or bellowing my name. Then, when I was feeling brave enough to really face the loneliness head on I would hop in the bath, sometimes for hours, with just my tea for company – no books, phones, screens, magazines or distractions of any sort. It was hard. Until one day, it was BLISS.

3. Set some GOALS

During a significant life shift such as breakup or divorce, there is a definite power to be found in intention or goal setting. You have finished one chapter of your life, so it makes sense to lay some plans for your how you would like the next chapter to be.

Your goals may change over time as your psyche slowly adjusts to your new life and reality, but that's OK. Even if you don't achieve a particular goal, or it changes significantly to accommodate your changing self, there is an explicit power in just letting yourself envision and plan.

I had a goal of saving a certain amount of money in a certain period of time. I honestly don’t think I would have attempted this target whilst married, let alone achieve it.

4. Learn and embrace NEW ROLES

My husband was (probably still is) a great cook, so by default he was responsible for feeding the family each night. When he left, it soon became pretty clear that the kids and I would somehow still need to eat… so I had to learn to prepare cheap meals quick smart. This may sound very basic or trivial, but it needn’t.

I have no doubt that the sense of responsibility and satisfaction I got from the simple act of teaching myself to cook helped get me through those early dark days. I had a new sense of purpose. An important one!

Think of something – important to you – that you’ve always wanted to learn or accomplish, and set about doing it. Don’t underestimate the sense of power this will give you.

5. Spend time with DIFFERENT TYPES

When I was married, I rarely spoke to anyone new or different or outside my circle of regular people. I felt stupidly secure in the knowledge that each night I would be going home to hubby, and therefore didn't really see much need to meet new or interesting folk.

As a single woman once again, I oddly found myself going out of my way to say hello to people I wouldn't normally feel comfortable enough to speak with.

As you evolve and change, so do your tastes and perceptions. Your soul naturally wants to seek out different people and experiences in the name of growth. Don’t stifle this. Be brave enough to hang out with or date the people you feel drawn to, even if they aren't your ‘regular’ types. Your ‘regular’ is very probably changing from what it once was.

6. Discover the woman you were MEANT to be

You will always be the same person, but change undoubtedly and unashamedly transforms you. If you are willing and able to be brave enough to look at your heartbreak experience from a different angle, you will most certainly grow in the best possible way from it.

Instead of asking or bawling ‘Why me?’ ask ‘How can I grow from this?’ If you can do this (and it is bloody hard, I know) you will absolutely grow and prosper from what you’ve been through – whilst remaining the gorgeous and strong woman that you always were.

GO FIND YOUR PASSION. Remember, you were someone before your last relationship. That girl is still in there somewhere. Find her! Stay strong and remember who you are, always.

Do you have any more tips on reinventing yourself after heartbreak? Share in the comments!

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Breakups can be hard, but they’re also an opportunity to make some positive changes in your life. From your physical self to how you feel when you strut your stuff down the street, reinventing yourself after a breakup can be a thrilling way to start off a new chapter in your life! So what should you be changing?

Hair.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
Did you know that a woman has, on average, 104 different types of hairstyles in her life? Changing your hair, even if it’s just a little bit, can drastically alter your appearance and give your confidence a boost. Plus, now that he-who-shall-not-be-named is out of the door, it’s time to indulge in those bangs you’ve always wanted that they couldn’t stand!

Music.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
It’s inevitable that after spending so much time together, your taste in music’s going to blend in some shape or form. There’s always that song that you both secretly loved, or the album he introduced you to that’ll always remind you of him. There’s nothing you can really do about that, but why not try out some new tunes?

Style.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
Widen your scope. Never wear form fitting dresses? Now’s the time to flaunt those curves! Do you tend to keep your clothes neat and pressed? Go for some grungy, looser clothing. Whatever you do, try to have some fun and change things up a bit.

Make-up.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
Not all of us wear makeup, and that’s fine. But for those of us who do, a breakup can be a great opportunity to try new products and techniques that we hadn’t bothered to before. It’s easy to get a little repetitive with your makeup, especially with someone at home already. I mean… who are you trying to impress? Now you can mix it up a bit.

New bedding.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
You shared those sheets – and some very sexy times – with your ex. Nobody needs flashbacks of that one time you guys… nope. Not going there. Get rid of the bedding.

Room décor.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
There’s a certain way a couple – especially ones that live together – keep their room. There’s a side for you, and a side for him. Now it’s all yours again – embrace it! Slap on a new coat of paint and some fun posters, rearrange the furniture and you’ve got yourself a whole new just-you sanctuary.

Relationship mojo.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
Right, so that didn’t work out – let’s go back to the drawing board and figure out why. It’s fine to make mistakes, break up and feel a little bit lost – these are important life lessons. So take the opportunity to learn from them and move on.

Socializing habits.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
When you’re in a relationship, you tend to stay in more and more. You don’t have to start hitting the clubs every weekend, but why not make more of an effort to go to coffee with your friends? Make new memories while forgetting the old painful ones.

Phone number.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
It’s not always necessary, but sometimes it’s easier to just change your number than it is to ignore your ex’s texts and phone calls. Plus, changing your phone number is a great way to weed out some old contacts that you don’t keep in touch with anymore, and focus on the ones that you do.

Watching Sex Online.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
Women watch sex on the internet and we like it. How about indulging in it a little bit more? Curious about something? There’s a website for that, no doubt. Being single is a great time to explore your sexuality and figure out what you might like in a future relationship.

Photos.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
Self-explanatory enough. Get your selfie on.

Hobbies.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
Got a lot of free time now and getting bored of sitting in front of the TV with your pile of knitting? Change up your hobbies – why not start painting again? And hey, didn’t you always say you’ve always wanted to grow your own herbs?

Diary.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
Breakups usually are a sign that one chapter of your life is ending and you’re moving on to the next. It might be a little literal, but you should turn the pages of a new journal, as well.

Perfume.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
Smells create super strong psychological bonds to events and people for us, so it’s not surprise that we’ve attached such strong memories and emotions to that perfume. Best make the switch from the one he bought you last Christmas.

Workout Routine.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
A lot of couples work out together – it’s a great way to get motivated! But now that you’re single, it’s time to switch things up a bit. Choose exercises that make you feel powerful and confident! Why not take on some strength training?

Attitude.
How to reinvent yourself after a break up
Always rolled your eyes at self-help books and thought those TED talks were just a little too corny? Yeah, well, crap has finally hit the fan and there’s nothing like a good change in attitude to get you out of your funk.

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How to reinvent yourself after a break up

In life, there are many events that damage our mental health and well-being leaving us feeling like a wounded animal for a time. One of those inevitable events is a heart shattering breakup. No matter what stage in your life they occur, breakups can be a painful thing to recover from. You may be feeling that you will never feel whole again after a rough split or divorce, and if so, take a peek at out my guide on how to reinvent yourself after a breakup.

Reinvent Your Look

While this may seem superficial to look towards your appearance, it’s often one of easiest things you can do to boost your confidence after a break up. After a breakup, it’s not uncommon for you to feel a need for change. You may wish to get a new cut or update your makeup—a new lipstick is always nice. You may wish to micro blade your eyebrows or sport some new lashes. And, one area that’ll likely be calling for something new is your wardrobe. For the ultimate boost of confidence, explore a few fun fashion trends to reinvent your look.

If you’re tired of your old items, switch them out for something entirely new. Rather than wearing your favorite pair of mom jeans, throw on different styles of denim, such as ripped and distorted jeans or a new denim jacket. Look for a holiday dress or a new loungewear set. Or, better yet, search for some sexy new piece of lingerie that makes you feel good.

These are just a few examples of how you can reinvent your look, but there are countless other ways. For example, if you don’t typically wear accessories, consider adding earrings, necklaces or new eye glasses to your wardrobe.

Reflect on Your Long-Term Goals and Purpose

As is often the case, we let something go of ourselves to meet the demands of even the most healthy of relationships. Perhaps you are realizing that your personal goals suffered and you’ve lost your feeling of purpose? You’ll never regret taking this time to get to know yourself—to rediscover who you are on your own outside of relationship. You may wish to take a look at my ultimate reinvention course and workbook here. If you take this time to reflect on goals you want to accomplish, your self awareness grows and you will not only feel satisfied with who you are but you’re likely to attract your next best relationship that truly matches you.

Use your breakup as the perfect excuse to selfishly indulge in your many passions and callings. I guarantee there are passions you have put on hold that are fun ways to fill the gap of a break up.

Spend Time With Those Who Make You Happy

Loved ones bring out the best in us. To reinvent yourself and the spaces you now have in your schedule, spend time with those who make you the happiest. Being around positive energy will get you out of a slump and inspire you to become a better version of yourself.

With the ongoing pandemic, you can still spend quality time with your closest friends and family. Simply give them a call or set up a video chat. Or, go on a social distance walk or hike.

Try New Things

The last way you can reinvent yourself after a breakup is to find new hobbies and interests. This is a great way for you to improve your life and move on from painful memories you’re currently holding onto. If you’re not sure what kind of interests you can explore during a pandemic, we’ve included a helpful list of activities you can explore at home:

  • Painting and other art mediums
  • Yoga and meditation
  • Pilates and other home-exercises
  • Reading different genres
  • Spending more time outside

Getting through a rough split or divorce can be difficult, but with these four suggestions, you’ll be able to feel wholesome again. Your mental and emotional well-being will thank you for taking these steps to heal. You will be well on your way to your most vibrant life yet!

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Breakups can be painful and you know what they say… no pain, no gain right? If you use the hurt from the break up as a motivator to improve yourself, you’ll get over the break up faster and end up happier! Reinventing yourself isn’t always about appearance, it should start within. But, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work on your personal style as well:) A mix of both will help you feel so much better after a bad break up!

Ready to turn your suffering sorrow into savage strength and style? Let’s do this!

These self worth quotes might help boost your mood.

9 Tips For Reinventing Yourself After Heart Break

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Work on self love. Self love is the first step in healing and happiness after a break up! A nasty breakup can lead to low self worth and a lack of self esteem. Some people tend to ‘lose themselves’ in a relationship and end up feeling disconnected and not whole after a break up!

You might not feel worthy of love again, until you learn to truly love yourself. Once you know how truly amazing you are, you’ll be on the path to better, healthy relationships.

Check out these self love affirmations and quotes for self worth for some self love inspo!

Also never underestimate the power of self care. After all, you take care of the things you love:)

Self Care Ideas:

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Get a fun hobby. Take a course at a local college and learn something new. You’ll get out of the house, meet new people, and learn some new information. Or if you enjoy time on your own, take up photography or painting! Hobbies are a great form of self discovery and can boost your mental health!

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Work on personal development. If you’re working on reinventing yourself, go all out. Learn to do something new that will enhance your professional or social life.

I’ve made a post with tons of great personal development ideas for you! Here are some challenge ideas and self reflection questions.

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Update your wardrobe. The clothes you choose to wear say a lot about you and they can make you feel more confident. Maybe you lose a bit of your own personal style sense in your last relationship and need a reboot? Check out Pinterest for some fashion Inspo and have an open mind to try new things! This process is all about self discovery.

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Learn to be more assertive. Is it possible to be too assertive? Maybe, but you’re probably not there yet. Being assertive means that you’re willing to share your opinions, wants, and needs. This is attractive to others and will do a lot to enhance your life.

Check out these tips on how to be more assertive to get what you want.

Perfect your listening skills. Listening to people is an art, honestly. Nothing will help your social life and relationships more than perfecting your ability to listen to others rather than just trying to respond. Without these social skills, you could come off as rude, disinterested, and even weird. Stop your brain from searching for the next witty thing to say and learn to pay attention. Social skills can help you land a new job or role, more friends and even a new relationship.

Meet new people. Reinventing yourself requires some new people. What types of people do you admire most? What types of people interest you? Get busy making contact with people you’d like to add to your life. Think about the places you’d find them and use that to your advantage. Get out and be social when you can.

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Focus on your daily routine. Break out of your rut. It’s the simple things in your daily routine that can make a big difference in your life. Buy new toothpaste. Take a new route to work. Try a new restaurant for lunch. Get a new hairstyle. Start a journal. Meditate. Drink more water instead of juice or pop. Be friendlier. Change anything you normally do without thinking. New behaviors create a new life. What can you do differently today that you never do?

Check out these healthy daily routine ideas:

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Remove the dead weight from your life. Drop the commitments, clothing, items, and people from your life that no longer serve your greater purpose. Everyone gets off course after a few years. Now is the perfect time to clean house. Things that were right for you five years ago may have lost their usefulness.

Get over your breakup by reinventing yourself and focusing on growth. Join a gym and make some new friends. Learn something new. Reinvent yourself into a person you respect and enjoy. Create a life that excites you! Be who you truly want to be.

Use your breakup to your advantage. It might be the best thing that ever happened to you!

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Breakups are hard, everyone knows that, but I think the hardest part is when you realise you’re now out there in the world on your own – regardless of how long you were both together, in that period of time you were a couple and you could use your partner as your comfort blanket.

Depending on the way things ended between the two of you, there are different ways people deal with being by themselves for the first time in a while. The most toxic and detrimental way is to separate yourself from the outside world, to let the breakup take over you and make you feel your worst.

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

It doesn’t matter if you made the decision to separate or they did, the weeks that follow are going to be strange without them either way, but they can be made positive and you can turn a bad situation into a good one.

For me, I found it was really important to stay motivated. I wanted to use that period time to focus on who I am and who I wanted to be in the future – to reinvent myself. If you haven’t been on your own for a while, it can be hard to figure out how to do that and also how to not slip into bad habits (like wanting to just sit and mope in your room to sad songs – the worst way to waste your time!).

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

I’ve come up with 5 different ways to reinvent yourself, all of these have worked for me and helped me to stay happy and positive after my breakup…

  1. Spend Time With Your Friends
    When you’re in a relationship it can be so easy to just spend all your time with that one person, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing but you end up not seeing enough of your friends. When you’re newly single it’s so important to surround yourself with the people who are going to make you laugh and forget about being on your own. Make and spend as much time as possible with your friends and those first few weeks will fly by, you’ll be having so much fun you won’t have time to be sad!
  2. Focus On Your Future
    It doesn’t matter where you are now career wise, it’s where you want to be and how you’re going to get there. If you’re already where you want to be, great, continue to put in 100%. If you aren’t, think about what you can do to get closer to your future, success doesn’t come overnight but the sooner you start the sooner you’ll get there.
  3. Start Or Continue A Hobby
    I should imagine now that you’re single you have a lot of free time on your hands, use that time to have a hobby! Pursuing a hobby that I hadn’t put much time into in a while really helped me have something to focus on, I always had something to do which completely took my mind off of everything else.
  4. Declutter
    As soon as you think you’re ready, go through all the things you have from your ex partner. For me, this wasn’t something I did instantly, this has to be when you want to and not when everyone else thinks you should. Then, have a deep clean of your space, throw out old clothes and freshen up your surroundings – you’ll feel so much better!
  5. Love Yourself
    This last one seems very cliche but I promise it’s the most important. After a breakup it’s very easy to think back and blame yourself for what went wrong, this is the easiest way to slip back into a dark place. Now that you have all this time to yourself, you need to be YOU. The sooner you start loving yourself, the happier you’ll be and the sooner you’ll move on.

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Of course there are many other ways you can help yourself move on from a relationship, do what you need to do to make you feel better. Every breakup doesn’t have to have that ugly sour ending, why not be the bigger person and wake up happier, motivated and excited about your future.

Be positive and be the best version of yourself, that definitely worked for me.

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

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About

My name is Melissa Gray.

I’m a professional makeup artist Trained and Certified by Bobbi Brown Cosmetics.

I’ve had years of experience helping women feel their most beautiful.

This very topic — inspiring things to do after breakups — lights me up a little.

As a youth motivational speaker in India, I find doing post-romance talks quite interesting.

We all have seen a variety of mourners.

The pain may initially be very real and unbearable. But even after the worst breakup, we sleep at night, don’t we?

Trust me; it’s okay. We don’t always end up with our soulmates.

I understand the pain, but I do not understand the fact we cannot get away with it.

Our inability to move on only stems from us not wanting to move on in the first place.

I think one of the biggest reasons why people find it difficult to move on is they keep thinking about the sad parts.

If we could only try to focus on those moments that made us smile and be grateful we experienced that bliss, even if it was short-lived, it would become a lot easier.

It is a difficult thing to do, I agree. But most of us don’t even get close to trying.

A post-breakup period is the peak of demotivation, late-night sad songs and bad addictions.

Ordinarily, people keep falling into this abyss.

On the other hand, stellar people do the following to stay afloat, swim faster and win the race.

Here are five inspiring ways to get over a breakup:

1. Get back to your hobbies.

Remember those nice little things we probably gave up for our relationship?

Well, now is the perfect time to resume or pick up new and exciting hobbies.

I think picking up a physical activity or pursuing our older passions with much more rigor and discipline is a very inspiring way to move on from a bad relationship.

Thirty minutes of some physical activity every day keeps a lot of my own emotional upheavals at bay.

Your hormones also listen to your screaming muscles, which probably ask them to calm the heck down.

An hour of dancing, painting a canvas or getting lost in a mind-blowing book can do wonders.

If you read a book with all the attention you can muster, you will not only calm down, but you will also stop thinking about your own story for while.

When hobbies start becoming habits, we start nailing it.

2. Start remembering your purpose in life.

Yes, you had a purpose before you fell in love.

Even if you didn’t have a goal, now would be a very good time to make one.

Some of the best goals could be one of the following: Don’t fall for the wrong person again, try to wait for the right one or filter people more cautiously.

Whatever they may be, find your goals and start working on them. It will be hard initially.

Your doggedness about your goals will form a concrete wall around you and protect you from a lot of bullsh*t in life. And this is not just for post-breakup phase.

Even when you are in a relationship, losing track of your goals in life is a very bad idea.

View your goals as your umbrella in the rainforest of crazy, broken relationships.

It will shelter you and protect you from a lot of unnecessary disappointment.

Seriously, you have only one life to live. Chase your dreams, not people.

The best people will come into your life when you are becoming stellar and working toward your dreams.

A person who is fulfilling his or her dreams is so much more attractive than a person with a miserable outlook.

Move on in style.

3. Get into good habits.

Now that you don’t have to make late-night calls, why not utilize the time in a more sensible and productive way?

Sleep early, get up early and go for a walk. Nature can heal you in an innumerable amount of ways.

You also save a lot of physical and emotional energies that were getting consumed in an exhausting relationship.

Use this time to improve on things that need to be improved upon.

You can start with your own mistakes in the relationship.

Are there any flaws in your nature that need to be fixed?

What did you learn from the relationship?

Are there bad habits that need to be changed? If yes, now would be a very good time to do it.

4. Don’t stalk your ex.

This is the worst idea ever. There are so many better things you can do online.

Wasting time staring at your ex’s Facebook pictures, mindless tweets and Instagram posts is the most disappointing use of your Internet connection.

Quit all the drama.

Stop calling or bombarding your ex with texts and WhatsApp and Facebook messages that reek of desperation.

Grace is a much better option than grease.

Handle yourself gracefully, and make grace your walking stick in life.

Drama is for kids. Mature people step into their love stories, and they do not fall relentlessly in love.

With a little effort, they can step out of it, too.

They don’t stalk, drunk call or booty call their exes.

They just move on to better things and to their better selves.

It takes control, yes. To not bother them takes patience.

But understand your ex is also trying to move on.

Why not give your ex some space? More importantly, why not rise yourself up from the ordinary to the extraordinary?

Maybe your relationship was a really beautiful one, but if you broke up, there must have been a reason.

Remember that reason when you do these stupid things, and stick to that reason when you get the urge to stalk your ex next time.

Abstaining from stalking is inspiring because it shows you are getting back control on your emotions.

5. Forgive your ex and yourself.

Holding a grudge, a soft corner or any sort of intense feeling will do you no good.

You will bore a lot of people around you with your constant moping.

It is like driving a car on the highway with handbrake on, when there is no incoming traffic. Where is the fun in that?

It doesn’t matter who made the big mistake; just let it go.

If it was you, forgive yourself and move on. If it was the other person, extend the same generosity to him or her as well.

Forgive, but don’t forget your reasons. They will keep you from committing the same mistake again.

Forgiving is not easy, and it takes all the mental strength you can muster.

It definitely makes you a bigger and better person.

Forgiving entails you accept the fact certain things are out of your control, and you have the courage to fight your own demons.

But most of all, forgive because it will help you.

When you do not forgive, you give your ex a rent-free space in your mind.

If you want to stop loving your ex, forgive him or her and move on.

The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. Indifference will only come when you have forgiven.

There are many other thing you can do after a breakup, and the for the sake of hair salons, I hope a new hairstyle after a breakup works for the ladies and the gentlemen out there.

And sometimes, people just get sloshed and wasted. Do whatever floats your boat.

If you have to come out of a not-so-happy experience, why not do it in style?

Why move on like other ordinary people do?

Why not emerge to be an extraordinary person from this experience, like a phoenix that rises from the ashes again and again?

Moving on is inevitable. How fast you do so is the choice you make.

Just ensure that when you finally do it, you have changed to become a more inspired, motivated and lovelier individual than you were before.

When people say “work on yourself” after a breakup, they mean work on your weaknesses and things you wanted to do, but never had the courage or motivation to do. Don’t attempt to change yourself.

We’re all unique in our ways. We don’t need to change who we are in order to become “un-rejectable” if you don’t like a certain type of music, don’t force yourself to like it. If you don’t like the idea of doing drugs, don’t do them, don’t change your persona because your previous partner rejected you. You are YOU and that’s the best gift you can give someone else.

Shortly after my breakup, I wanted to change who I was. I tried to have new hobbies that would be tailored to impress my ex. A good friend of mine who went through a very tough breakup stopped me on my tracks and said “You’re going to run into a wall sooner or later because you’re doing things that are a total opposite of who you are and you will end up feeling worse when you look at yourself in the mirror and see that you’re not the person you want to be”. I have plenty of hobbies that I’m great at (Powerlifting, urban photography, writing and recording music and Jiu Jitsu), I’m a loving, caring and sweet person, with an amazingly supportive family and friends, financially stable, career driven and with a positive outlook on life. I don’t need to change any of that, I love who I am now.

What I did do though: I lost 28lbs, I started meditating, journaling, researching about relationships, going on nature walks, started a self-care routine that I follow religiously, expanded my social group and made 2 new great friends and focused more on my hobbies. This is what people mean by working on yourself. Work on your insecurities and weaknesses, address problems that you know are there and will affect you if you don’t face them. Become the best version of you. Don’t change in order to impress anyone else, improve for yourself and others will love you for who you are.

My ex and I have been broken up for a few months and I am losing it. He is living his best life. His Instagram stories are filled with hot girls and cool events. I feel like I've "lost" the breakup. I know I shouldn't care. And I feel really lame that I do. How do I turn this around and get In a better headspace? —Breakup Loser

DEAR BREAKUP LOSER,

We always lose when we compare our insides to our ex's outside, namely his Instagram feed. You are only seeing a carefully curated story — most likely intended to make him look like he is living large for your benefit! You are torturing yourself by looking, even though we all do it. In fact, according to a recent Squarespace survey in partnership with The Harris Pool, at least once a week, 1 in 5 Americans (20%) look up their exes online. For Millenials, that number jumps to 40%. Social media allows us to stalk from afar which only feeds the obsession and prevents the healing.

After the vulnerability and rejection that most breakups involve, it is human nature to want to prove to our exes (and anyone else that will look at our social media page) that we are fabulous and desirable. Our egos are bruised. But revenge sex generally backfires and those big parties tend to make us feel more isolated and alone.

So despite our desire to "win" the breakup, keeping score will only ever leave you feeling like a loser because no one wins when people are hurt and relationships end. It is pretty simple: You need to take the focus off your ex and allow yourself you grieve the loss of the relationship and the partner. There are no shortcuts. You need to do this in order to truly move on — and ultimately attract a better partner and build a healthier relationship in the future.

So here is how you "win"…

10 Ways to “Win” the Break-Up Game

1. Avoid all contact.

This is my least popular therapeutic intervention. I know, he is your best friend. You share a dog. You forgot your grandmother's antique broach she gave you on her death bed at his house. She forgot her medication at your house. She has an important presentation at work and can't succeed without your help. I have heard it all before. The bottom line is that in order to get over your ex, which you need to do to "win," you have to let go. The single most important step in your development at this point in the process is letting go. Every time you talk, text, FaceTime, DM, Skype, Zoom, send smoke signals or carrier pigeons, you tear off the scab and start bleeding again. You must let it heal and the best way to do that is no contact.

2. Don’t compare your insides to their outsides.

Stop checking their social media. All you are going to see are superficial pictures that won't really tell you what is going in emotionally. Lots of people act out by partying, sleeping around, and doing things that look like fabulous fun, but a lot of the time they are just masking the pain. You can drive yourself crazy doing a deep dive analysis with your bestie looking at the woman sitting next time him at the party he posted. This is wasted energy that should be spent bettering yourself.

3. Stop running from the pain.

Don't be the one that acts out with food, sex, drugs, or alcohol. Instead, let yourself feel the pain. We don't get to go around the pain, we must go through it. Don't postpone it, just dive right in. The sooner you let yourself grieve the loss, the sooner you will be over it. Embrace the pain. Get therapy (if the fee is a concern, check out local mental health clinics or utilize hotlines). Read books about grief and loss, breakups, divorce, and how your childhood impacts your relationship choices. 

4. Have a glow-up.

I am not suggesting you go on a crazy diet or get plastic surgery, but what I do encourage is that you get devoted to yourself care. Get a good skincare regimen. Find a form of gentle exercise you enjoy. Start meditating. Get some sun. Take the time to up your self-care game. 

5. Forgive yourself.

Once we are out of a relationship, we tend to beat ourselves up about it. Sometimes we obsess about the things we might have said or done wrong. Other times we are angry at ourselves for putting up with crap we shouldn't have tolerated, orr we criticize ourselves for not seeing something that was hidden from us. Beating yourself up about these things doesn't help you heal. It will only keep you stuck.

6. Take a self-inventory.

With the exception of domestic violence situations, most relationship conflicts are a fifty-fifty dance. It may look like one person is the "good guy" and one is the "bad guy" but typically it is more complicated than that. We participate in the unhealthy systems we help create. It takes enormous strength and maturity to ask yourself, "What were my contributions to the unhealthy system? What could I have done better?" If you don't self-reflect, you are likely to pick the same kinds of partners and continue to do the same harmful behaviors in your future relationships. Take the time to do this work so you can stop unhealthy relationship patterns and pick better next time.

7. Let go of your anger.

Notice that I didn't say you need to forgive your partner. It may be too soon to forgive or, maybe, something they did was unforgivable. Either way, holding on to the anger will only hurt you. You can acknowledge that something terrible was done to you, if that was the case, and work on letting go. This does not give the other person a free pass, but it does free you to move on. 

8. Find yourself.

So often we lose ourselves in a relationship. We lose our identity. We become too busy to take a class, pursue a hobby we love, spend time with friends, or take on a big project. If you feel that you lost your identity, now is the time to find it, create it, or reinvent yourself. Take the time to get to know yourself. Date yourself. Court yourself. Ask yourself questions you have never asked. The more you know and understand yourself, the more likely you are to attract the right person and also to love yourself. When you love yourself, you enjoy your own company which makes you less likely to settle for a relationship that isn't in your best interest. 

9. Chase your passion.

Pursue the things that set your soul on fire. And, if you don't know what that is, take the time to find out. Your ex can't be your reason for getting out of bed in the morning (and neither can your next S.O.). Find things that excite you, get your creative juices flowing, and bring you joy.

10. Learn from your mistakes.

Beating yourself up for your mistakes (and we all make them) doesn't help you. Learning from them does. What did you learn from this relationship that can help you grow and be a better partner to your next love? This is how we evolve and become better pickers and partners. 

Take the time to self-reflect, learn and grow. The only time we lose the breakup game is when we don't learn from our relationships. Use what you had with this person as a springboard to jump off of and grow from.

In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.

A breakup isn’t an easy thing to go through, but you don’t have to climb in bed with a tub of ice-cream and cookies to get through it. In fact, a breakup can be an opportunity to reinvent yourself. You have a clean slate and it’s up to you to use it wisely. Even if you’re feeling heart broken, a breakup doesn’t mean your life is over. Try and look at the positive side and follow these tips to start a wonderful new journey.

Block Your Ex

There are some couples that can stay friends after they breakup, but the majority of us aren’t capable of that. No matter how much you try to stay mature, calm and reasonable, having your ex in your life is likely to drive you crazy at some point. And, these days it’s even worse because you have to cut ties in so many different ways. Face to face, over the phone, via email, on social media. The last thing you want to see is your ex having fun with friends or dating someone new with a cheesy picture uploaded to Instagram. Do yourself a favour and block the guy. You can learn how here – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_FXS87-5eg .

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Don’t Get Drunk Alone

When the depression sets in, you may feel like re-creating the scene from Bridget Jones’ Diary when she sings ‘All by Myself’ while downing a bottle of vodka. Don’t do it! Not only will you make yourself feel worse but you’ll be tempted to contact your ex and say things you’ll probably regret in the morning. If you feel the need to have a glass of wine or two, call some friends and do it in company. It’s much more fun that way and your friends will stop you from making poor decisions.

Social Media Free

Social media can be a real pain in the ass when you’re going through a breakup. It’s especially tough if your ex has some of the same friends as you. You may not be able to avoid seeing pictures of him or hearing news about him when you’d rather pretend he fell off the planet. While your breakup is still raw, try and take a social media break . It’s difficult to do, but go for a walk, watch re-runs of your favourite show, anything to stop yourself from picking up your phone or tablet.

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Boxing

In the weeks after your breakup, you’ll probably find yourself looking back on memories or repeating words that were said. You may even find that you realise your ex didn’t treat you as well as you’d thought. Many people become angry after a breakup for various reasons. It’s important to channel that anger into something productive, like boxing. Doing some boxing could relieve the stress and anger you feel about your relationship, and you’ll get fit at the same time. This way, you’re less likely to make mistakes in the heat of the moment.

Think About Your Career

Now is the perfect time to make bold decisions and experiment with what you want out of life. Take a look at https://jobapplicationcenter.com/walmart-application/ and see what you can find. Sometimes, a career move can do the world of good. It can give you a new challenge to focus on and new colleagues to talk to. It can renew your ambition and love for life and help you to set goals for the future. That way, you aren’t constantly thinking about what could have been with your ex.

Have a Fling

It’s important to not jump into another relationship straight away, but that doesn’t mean that sex is out of bounds. In fact, a rebound fling could be just what you need to get your ex out of your head. Now is your chance to bag yourself a really hot guy; you know, the ones that are all body and very little brain. Have a mutual understanding that you’re not interested in commitment and then have some fun. It’s a great distraction during your spare time.

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Meet New People

If you and your ex have the same circle of friends, there may be times when your friends are forced to choose sides. It’s uncomfortable for everyone but you can’t ask your friends to stop talking to your ex. So, when there’s a party happening and your ex is going, it’s best for you to steer clear. You shouldn’t have to stay at home alone while everyone else is having fun, so it’s important for you to get out and meet some new people. Go to a class, enrol on an interesting course, sign up to the gym, go speed dating . There are plenty of ways you can make new friends and challenge yourself at the same time.

How to reinvent yourself after a break up

Write it Down

If you live in the same area as your ex, it’s inevitable that you may bump into each other every now and then. Even if you don’t acknowledge each other, you may walk away feeling emotional. Pent up emotions don’t lead anywhere good, so it’s important you let them out in a controlled form. Don’t call up your ex and leave a long rant on his answering machine. Buy yourself a notebook and write down everything you feel . It can help to write a letter to your ex, and never send it. That way, you’ve expressed your feelings but not got into a pointless argument.

Don’t Blame Yourself

You’d have to be a pretty confident person to not look back and think about what you could have done differently. What it of made a difference if you’d dyed your hair blonde? Maybe you should have watched more football with him? Or maybe you just weren’t laid back enough? Forget it all! You weren’t the problem. You just weren’t suited as couple, and one day, when you’re in a relationship with someone who values you for who you are, you’ll realise that.

When you go through a breakup, you’ll inevitably go through the motions until you feel like you again. But, if you use your breakup to invent yourself, it could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

How to reinvent yourself after a break upYoung alone girl feeling sad

Breakups can be painful. But the pain of a breakup can serve a positive purpose: it can be the catalyst to reinventing yourself. After a breakup, you have new-found free time and the motivation to make a change.

How do you go about making a positive change?

Consider these strategies:

  1. Find a healthy weight. Breakups can be a tremendous motivator to either lose fat or gain muscle. Show your ex what they’re missing! Focus on developing habits that will lead you to your bodyweight goal. Hire a personal trainer if you can afford one.
  • A healthy diet, exercise, and patience are all you need. Changing your weight is certainly challenging, but many people still manage to do it. Use your breakup as motivation.
  1. Take a class. Take a course at a local college and learn something new. You’ll get out of the house, meet new people, and learn some new information. What better way could you spend your time?
  2. Learn a new skill. If you’re going to reinvent yourself, go all out. Learn to do something new that will enhance your professional or social life. Join Toastmasters or take an acting class. Work on your speed-dating skills. Think of all the new things you can learn that would enhance your life. Pick one and get busy.
  3. Update your wardrobe.The clothes you choose to wear say a lot about you. Ensure they’re saying what you want them to say. Take your most fashion-conscious friend shopping with you and keep your mind open. Allow your friend to choose a few outfits for you. You can bet you’ll make a new impression on everyone you know.
  4. Learn to be more assertive. Is it possible to be too assertive? Maybe, but you’re probably not there yet. Being assertive means that you’re willing to share your opinions, wants, and needs. This confidence is attractive to others and will do a lot to enhance your life.
  5. Perfect your listening skills.Nothing will help your social life and relationships more than perfecting your ability to listen. Those with the worst listening skills have tremendous social difficulties. They come off as rude, disinterested, and odd. Stop your brain from searching for the next witty thing to say and learn to pay attention.
  1. Remove the dead weight from your life. Drop the commitments, clothing, items, and people from your life that no longer serve your greater purpose. Everyone gets off course after a few years. Now is the perfect time to right the ship and clean house. Things that were right for you five years ago may have lost their usefulness.

Get over your breakup by focusing on yourself. Join a gym and make some new friends. Learn something new. Reinvent yourself into a person you respect and enjoy. Create a life that excites you!

Use your breakup to your advantage. It might be the best thing that ever happened to you!